Predicting the Rest of the NFL Playoffs Based on Last Night's Season Premiere of "Girls"

Opinions about the HBO show Girls are like Beyonce think pieces: everyone's got one, and the vast, vast majority of them suck like industrial strength Dysons. "She gets naked too much." "HOW DARE YOU SAY SHE GETS NAKED TOO MUCH." "There aren't any people of color on the show." "Eh, it's about hipster white chicks in Williamsburg, the fuck do you expect?" It all gets very tiring, and obscures one elemental fact: Girls is a really fun show. It's probably not going to change the world, but it's not a sign of humanity's imminent demise either. And you can totally use its plot lines to predict who will win the Super Bowl.

Oh, please don't pretend you didn't notice that, for the second year in a row, a Girls season premiere aired on the Sunday of the NFL's Divisional Playoff weekend (a.k.a. the best weekend of the NFL season). And don't even try to front like this is the first time you realized how the Ravens' run to the Lombardi trophy totally mirrored how Marnie almost magically got back together with Charlie by the end of the season.

This season and these playoffs should be no different. How does one look at Shoshanna and not think that's totally the 49ers struggle? Are the Broncos not one of the best teams in the league...and the NFL's Hannah? Rob Gronkowski is clearly the Charlie to Tom Brady's Marnie, too. Hundreds of pieces written about Girls and not one of them predicted Lena Dunham was actually retelling the four remaining teams' story up until this point. Tsk Tsk Tsk. The only difference? A couple of digits in that bank account.

If the last two seasons were the build up until now, then the season premiere may very well predict what's in store for the last four teams. Hannah is back with Adam, Shoshanna is out here getting it on on bunk beds, Marnie is dumped and staying with her mother, and Jessa puts her tongue on the wrong place and gets kicked out of rehab. Check out what this all means for next weekend on Predicting the Rest of the NFL Playoffs Based on Last Night's Season Premiere of Girls.

(Side note: Mad Men's final season will probably predict the NBA playoffs.)

Characteristics: Inexperienced; hats draw attention; Shoshanna runs with the same North-South motion as Frank Gore while high on crack

It's easy to forget the 49ers had only recently become a powerhouse with Kaepernick Kaerpernicking all over the place and San Francisco looking to advance deeper into the playoffs. Before this decade, the 49ers consistently missed the playoffs. But it finally happened: San Francisco found a competent head coach. The 49ers made it to the postseason the exact year Shoshanna lost her virginity (at the end of season one). Shoshanna kicked Ray in the groin and dropped him like the 49ers dropped Mike Singletary. Then she lost her virginity to the same dude (a slight deviation, but bear with us) the same time San Francisco flirted with postseason success, winning the Divisional before falling to the Giants.

Then there was the adjustment: Shoshanna cheats on Ray and dumps him when he's just trying to come up and get his shit together, which sounds a lot like what the Niners did to Alex Smith, who was solidifying his role as the "game manager" before getting injured and replaced by Kaepernick. It's all good though, because Shoshanna is out and about having the time of her life now, and San Francisco won a conference championship and is once again a favorite. And Drake predicted this.

Although Shoshanna isn't really that much of a help to the other three mostly because of her weirdness and naïveté, she's still pro-Marnie/Shoshanna/Jessa. The source of San Francisco's one-for-all mentality is extremely different; you'd be cocky as hell too if you had Colin Kaepernick's biceps and, yeah, Jim Harbaugh may catch a body if otherwise. But the intentions are similar. Shoshanna doesn't drive Hannah to pick up Jenna, but she's there. Kaepernick didn't slap Aldon Smith's bottle out of his hand and give him a Joe Clark-style talking to, but San Francisco did allow him to clean himself up before returning. Shoshanna wouldn't snuff somebody like Kaepernick's teammate was about to after Clay Matthew's late hit, but she will mess you up by just being weird. Ask Adam.

Did that hat Shoshanna wore during the season two premiere symbolize the loss of her virginity? Nah, but it's a dope hat. The beanies Kaepernick and Frank Gore wore after the win against the Packers didn't symbolize much of anything either. But the beanie game was still immaculate. The only bad part is those hats work so well that you can sometimes forget the wearer's prior accomplishments, like San Francisco's extremely close win and Shoshanna finally losing her virginity. That's a small loss for dope hats.

Shoshanna may be getting some action, but she's still relatively inexperienced. The other three girls have been having sex way longer than Shoshanna (Marnie said she started at 14), and out of the remaining starting quarterbacks, Kaepernick has the least overall experience. That's not too much of an issue though. Kaepernick is getting better, and so is Shoshanna from the looks of the dude cuddled up like a little pooch next to her at the beginning of the season.

Characteristics: Dominant; crafty

There's plenty of crazy shit Jessa does that she doesn't even think twice about, including getting a man to cheat just because. The latest: Cunnilingus as a public service. Even though she gets her way again and gets Hannah to pick her up after lying, there are still some underlying issues. After all, there's a reason Jessa is in rehab in the first place. That Seahawks passing offense has been sputtering, but Richard Sherman and crew made sure Seattle was a no fly zone anyway.

To say Jessa came on a bit strong is an understatement. She's still the worst, and that's despite the low-key way she left Hannah stranded last season. The Seahawks are similar to Jessa in how they came back from a short disappearance, but it's regarding the playoffs in this case. They missed the playoffs a year after one of the craziest plays in history only to come back as the dominant NFC contenders the next two years. Richard Sherman will make sure you know it too just like Jessa, although even Sherman probably wouldn't want to fuck with Jessa.

One of Jessa's only attempts at some form of self-therapy is when she visits her father in season two to resolve some long-standing issues. It's one of the few times in the series Jessa doesn't get what she wants, and when she's seen again in rehab, she's the same vulgar and directionless person she's always been. She regresses after revealing her vulnerability, and Wilson has been slightly regressive in a way too. He completed just 50 percent of his passes for 280 yards during his last two regular season games.

When you peel back Jessa's promiscuity and lack of give-a-fucktitude, you'd fine a jerk. Behind that is an emotionally vulnerable person who's not yet solved whatever issues there may be. The Seahawks passing attack may not be as flawed as Jessa, but it's definitely weak enough to be overshadowed by that dominant pass defense and rushing attack.

Characteristics: Adaptable with time; early bloomer (Tom Brady won the Super Bowl in his second year)

Marnie's shit-togetherness may not rank in the top half of the four, but she does conform to social standards more than the other three. Shoshanna says nonsense like, "What's your favorite utensil," which even throws the perpetually off-balance Adam for a loop. Jessa gets kicked out of rehab for forcing a girl to come out, and defended herself by saying, "I was practically doing her a favor." And does a regular person write about jerking a kidney stone out of a Puerto Rican Jew (ewww, it feels dirty just writing it)? You'd furrow your eyebrows the least when talking to Marnie, similar to when you'd normally have the least worries about the Patriots year-to-year because Bill Belichick is one of the greatest head coaches ever and Tom Brady is going to do his thing yearly. That's even if New England has underlying issues.

Marnie is perpetually lost, but she does know how to keep herself afloat. She doesn't just wallow after losing her job at the gallery, but makes moves and gets the bread to support herself by working as a hostess. The Pats didn't dominate with their passing attack like in their better years, but that running game gave them a boost, especially LeGarrette Blount's four touchdowns against the Colts.

Just because she's the most normal person, doesn't mean Marnie didn't have her share of huge fail moments. The two recent bigger ones—a vocal rendition of "Stronger" that's done with the same ferocity of a singing altar boy and breaking down when getting unfortunate news from Adam—happened when Charlie was involved. Tom Brady's bigger fails—which includes getting left hanging on multiple occasions and texting his old teammates for help (looks like they turned it down)—usually involve his wide receivers.

A lot of Marnie's upcoming season three struggle is going to come from Charlie's absence, and if that Patriots passing attack starts to sputter, you have to figure things would be different if Rob Gronkowski wasn't out for the season.

The now-absent Charlie pretty much told Marnie what's what right after the "Stronger" debacle and before the sex: Get your shit together. She's going to have to do that this season, and if that once feared passing attack and solid ground game isn't working for the Patriots, they'll have to work on that porous rushing defense.

Characteristics: Never boring; success came with the addition of a significant individual; emotional

Hannah's life pretty much sucked during season two, between puncturing her ear with a q-tip, catching a splinter on her ass, nearly getting sued, and giving her self an ill-advised haircut during a time of emotional distress. Tim Tebow was pretty much a temporary solution as his main and last highlight was his surprise win over the Steelers in the 2012 Wild Card. Tebow was a lot like the former drug addict Hannah had sex with: Good times that are best left in the past.

Clearly the struggle changed when Adam returned and Peyton Manning came through. From the looks of the season premiere, Adam is taking care of Hannah just fine.

The majority of the NSFW, offensive material in Girls comes from Hannah, who spends most of one episode in the second season banging the man of her dreams. Then there was the weird dude with no game and the former drug addict who still made it with Hannah. So there's a lot of butt here, among other things. While Hannah was firing on all sexual cylinders, Manning was doing the same with clothes on and points on the scoreboard instead of pumps (and f-bombs). Hannah's lovemaking continues with Adam, who hasn't rained on her hair like "fuckin' god damn confetti" on camera, while the Broncos are the most powerful offensive force in the league.

You would never think Hannah was a smoldering, disintegrating mess toward the end of last season if you're new to the show and judging only by the season premiere. She was on her way to being a female Steve Francis before Adam saved her, while the Broncos would've remained a middling team without Peyton Manning—definitely not playoff contenders but pretty far from Steve Franchising. Adam literally drove Hannah to solve her first dilemma of the season—getting cunnilingus happy Jessa out of rehab— and Manning is the driving force behind this Super Bowl run. You know both sides may just be fucked without their counterparts though. Would you really want to put your Super Bowl dreams in the hands of a backup named Brock Osweiler?

Hannah's circumstance during the second season isn't all that far away from those 18th century novels where a character faints during stressful moments—a symbol of poor situational awareness. Random fainting would be weird in today's age though, so Hannah instead has severe OCD in the face of mounting problems. Peyton Manning doesn't have a lot of problems because, you know, he's Peyton Manning. But he can throw those picks when he's down in the fourth. He did it in the Broncos' final loss of the regular season against the Chargers, and even worse, he threw one in his Super Bowl loss against the Saints. They're good now but neither has had a perfect track record when shit hits the fan.

Patriots (Marnie) at Broncos (Hannah)

The Patriots empowered themselves with a revived run game to take down the Colts, but it's worth noting that Indy was No. 26 in rushing defense this season. The Broncos are another beast with the sixth ranked rushing defense, so there's a chance New England has to return to being a passing team. When that happens, there's also a chance Brady is going to miss Gronkowski (like you know who and you know who). With similar struggles, could the Patriots be the ones left out of that car ride to New Jersey come Super Bowl time? Who's to say (except Lena Dunham), but we'd take the one that's coupled up, happy, and not sleeping in a Rainbow Brite blanket. Broncos and Manning are the gridiron's Adam and Hannah, and they'll be the ones flourishing this Sunday.

49ers (Shoshanna) at Seahawks (Jessa)

You wouldn't be wrong to pick Seattle at home in this one, but San Francisco is on that eight-game winning streak. The Seahawks did take care of business with the Saints but didn't look infallible in recent weeks, losing two of their last four regular season games. Plus:

49ers vs. Broncos

It comes down to this: When things get crazy, would you rather put your faith in Hannah or the person who has a favorite utensil and obsesses over Sex and the City? Peyton Manning threw the game-clinching interception in his last Super Bowl appearance and has a losing postseason record, but would you really rather have Kaepernick at your side? Plus, there's just so many weapons: Knowshon Moreno, Julius Thomas, Eric Decker. Hannah and the Broncos have a lot more to lose, too. The former has that e-book deal, Adam, and possibly her mind as seen last season; Manning has his legacy, a number of corporate sponsors, and the hopes of a fanbase that's endured a 15-year drought without a championship. Shoshanna is just exploring her sexual freedom as a college student, while the young Kaepernick and third-year head coach Harbaugh can at least say they've been to the Super Bowl two straight times. The more experienced and focused Denver/Hannah should come out on top.