The Complete History of Mario Balotelli's Shenanigans

Image via Complex Original

Date: 11/6/2008

Put up for adoption when he was two by his Ghanaian parents, Mario Balotelli accuses his biological parents of "glory hunting." No joke here. It's a complex beginning to a humorous examination of a complex individual.

Date: 3/17/2010

Marco Materazzi—yes, the same Marco Materazzi that Zinedine Zidane headbutted in the '06 World Cup final after the Italian made some unsavory comments about Zidane's sister—wants Balotelli to improve his attitude. That's pretty rich.

Date: 3/23/2010

Balotelli wears an AC Milan jersey that was given to him as a joke gift on an Italian TV show, despite the fact HE WAS PLAYING FOR INTER MILAN, AC Milan's arch rival. Balotelli admits his affinity for AC Milan, too. Only makes sense that he now dons the red and white professionally. We suddenly want to give LeBron credit for always wearing his Cavs jersey during his seven years in Cleveland.

Date: 4/21/2010

Inter's victory over Barcelona in the 2010 Champions League Semifinals is the one of the most impressive European victories in the age of Barca. So, it stands to reason that Balotelli, who failed his trial at the Barca academy, responded to negative vocal criticism from the Inter crowd by  taking his jersey off and storming through the tunnel after the win.

Date: 8/17/2010

Upon arriving in Manchester, Super Mario swaps numbers with Greg Cunningham, who had been wearing Balotelli's coveted No. 45. You know who else picked No. 45 during his glorious return/arrival back in the day? Yeah...

Date: 8/29/2010

Super Mario arrives in Manchester and promptly crashes his Audi R8. Perhaps not surprising for a striker of his pace. He escapes unharmed somehow. The legend grows.

Date: 10/5/2010

According to published Italian reports, Balotelli asks his brother if he wants to see a women's prison. Italian police officers recognize him. Let's channel George Costanza: "Jerry, I've found something even better than conjugal visit sex...FUGITIVE SEX!"

Date: 12/3/2010

Balotelli gets into a fight with Jerome Boateng in practice. The pictures make it look like choreographed slaps. Yet it seems that Balotelli hit him so hard, Boateng now plays for Bayern Munich.

Date: 12/22/2010

Balotelli wears a giant hand mitten on top of his head and upon winning the best U-21 in Europe award (Golden Boy), he basically tells all other young European superstars to derelict his golden balls. "There's only one that is a little stronger than me: Messi," he says. "All the others behind me." Maybe, but you can't see them because of your giant hat.

Date: 1/1/2011

Balotelli celebrates New Year's Eve by cheating on his blonde bombshell girlfriend (right) with her blonde bombshell best friend (left). And he did it while she was downstairs in the same flat. Wow. As they may or may not say in Manchester and Milan: "Turn the calendar, turn the page, you dated Mario Balotelli, and you got played."

Date: 2/11/2011

Of course, Mario Balotelli would get a haircut that resembles car tires. He lights highway flares with the Michelin Man. He's everywhere like Bridgestone product placement. And he's having a Good Year.

Date: 3/11/2011

Mario was forced to come out of a Europa League game in early 2011 after suffering a swollen head (rim shot!) due to a grass allergy. A soccer player with a grass allergy...that's one helluva workman's comp claim.

Date: 3/18/2011

So many holes, so many appendages. We promise this clip is safe for work.

Date: 3/25/2011

We smell drama. When Mario spotted prostitute Jenny Thompson, who was linked with crosstown rival Wayne Rooney, leaving the toilets of a restaurant, he chanted "Rooney, Rooney" before flicking a middle finger at her friends. He then offered to fight one of her entourage. Classic Mario.

Date: 3/27/2011

Bored one day, Balotelli decides to throw darts at Manchester City Youth team players from a first floor window. Not exactly the nicest thing to do. That said, it would have been impossible for Balotelli to hit the bulls-eye, because, well, how do you throw a dart at yourself?

Date: 4/17/2011

Celebrate in front of the opposing home fans after a historic victory? Check. Wink at Rio Ferdinand? Check. Sign special offseason deal with the WWE? Check's in the mail.

Date: 4/26/2011

To go along with £10,000 in parking fines, the Italian wunderkind had his Maserati impounded 27 times. How do you get a Maserati impounded 27 times? Do you win a new one?

Date: 5/8/2011

This victory came at the same restaurant as an earlier incident with former flame Jenny Thompson—that's the San Carlo in Manchester if you're looking to make reservations by the way. Anyway, a beautiful WAG wannabe walked into the restaurant and Balotelli shouted 'Hey!' with food tumbling out of his mouth. The WAG went over and without saying a word, Balotelli handed her his phone so she could input her number. #stunt101

Date: 5/10/2011

Find a child that says he's been bullied. Take said child and his mother to the school, confront the bully, and demand peace. Drive off in white Maserati. (Ask bully for your darts back?)

Date: 5/15/2011

Balotelli swears on live television, criticizing his own performance. "All my season was shit—can I say that? I've played not very well, but today maybe I played more for the team." He was subsequently criticized for not apologizing and for telling the truth.

Date: 5/24/2011

Super Mario goes '86 Dwight Gooden, and skips out on Manchester City's FA Cup parade. Probably not a big deal since there wasn't cocaine involved. Oh wait, it was City's first trophy in 35 years? Classic Mario.

Date: 5/25/2011

Super Mario gets in a scuffle outside a nightclub. He had to be in Italy for family reasons. No word on whether he used his fireballs or his flower power in the fracas.

Date: 6/5/2011

Controversial as always, the former Manchester City striker was shown 'round a crime ridden Italian inner city estate by two Mafia bosses, it has emerged. Balotelli was seen in the company of mob chiefs named Salvatore Silvestri and Biagio Esposito, according to a leaked secret internal police memo. No comment.

Date: 6/11/2011

Balotelli is caught speeding in Italy. But whose car was he chasing after? Messi's? Cristiano Ronaldo's? Xavi's? Iniesta's? Ozil's? Higuain's? Benzema's? Rooney's?...

Date: 7/25/2011

Balotelli manages to enrage soccer fans in L.A. with a cheeky, backheel attempt so "misguided Hollywood," Suri Cruise will never attempt one. Did we mention the match was a friendly, and it occurred only moments after Balotelli entered the pitch as a substitute? Manchester City coach Roberto Mancini was furious, and promptly withdrew Balotelli almost as quickly as he entered. Classic Mario.

Date: 8/1/2011

Balotelli revealed that he missed his family in Italy. That's fair. But then stating that he wasn't sure if he would play out the rest of his contract might not have been the best move.

Date: 8/5/2011

Kevin Garnett bangs his head against a stanchion before every Celtics game. Nobody cares. Super Mario goes Daniel-San on a training dummy in practice a few days after his scrap with Korolev and it's a story in Manchester. Come on, Manchester. No wonder Balo bounced back to Milan.

Date: 8/5/2011

Super Mario finds yet another teammate to fight with during practice in Aleksandar Kolarov. He also admits that Manchester is, "not up to my taste." Which makes sense; he's used to Italian food.

Date: 9/5/2011

Super Mario apparently brought his iPad with him to the bench for Italy's pre-match training against the Faroe Islands. Two things: 1) It was the Faroe Islands. 2) In fairness to Balotelli, perhaps he had heard about the Entourage episode where Vince and Dennis Hopper put money on Manchester United.

Date: 9/7/2011

Why wouldn't inmates like the guy? He swears on television, has parent problems, fights his friends, throws darts at kids, and expresses himself through crazy hair designs. He's the perfect player to root for, no?

Date: 9/16/2011

Balotelli testifies at a mob trial after touring Naples with known gangsters. Fun detail: He flew to Naples on a plane with Napoli, Manchester City's then-opponents in the Champions League. Unknown: if he said, "Carlos Tevez, I know it was you."

Date: 10/15/2011

Balotelli hops on his bicycle to convert a gorgeous goal against Aston Villa. He preens a little bit after the goal. "Typical arrogant celebration from the Italian," an announcer crows.

Date: 10/22/2011

Who lights their house on fire with fireworks? And who scores two goals the next day in the biggest match of his career? And who will probably be draped in a blinking neon green body suit this coming July 4, somewhere in the Hudson River? Mario Balotelli.

Date: 10/23/2011

The shirt everyone and their mother has seen by now. Super Mario scores the opener against Manchester United and pulls up his jersey to reveal a shirt that says, "Why Always Me?" Why always you? Because every 4.2 days you do something that leads people all across the world to ask their friends, "Hey, did you hear about what Balotelli did?"

Date: 10/24/2011

Before he bounced in January, the Manchester City fans made a song about their former hero, the young man that looks like his name should be BrochoCinco. A sampling: "Oh Balotelli, he's a striker...He's good at darts(1)/He's allergic to grass(2) but when he plays/He's fucking class." Really, check the whole thing out.

Date: 10/24/2011

Balotelli immediately flipped the fireworks script by becoming Manchester's ambassador for fire safety. His message to children was simple: Don't do as I did two days ago.

Date: 10/25/2011

Super Mario slips a mime, painted in white face, twenty pounds. It's a good show of support for street performers. But how much will he tip The Silver Surfer when he goes to Disneyland? And will he buy him a Maserati surfboard that will get impounded 27 times?

Date: 10/26/2011

As you've seen, Balotelli has been many things: an accidental arsonist, a cheater, a crybaby, a hero, an instigator, the list goes for days. What has that gotten him? Lots of money, hot chicks, sick wheels, and a cartoon made of him.

Date: 11/2/2011

The Edenbridge Bonfire Society doesn't think the roasting Balotelli takes from the media is enough, so they built a 30-foot replica of the young star that was set to go up in flames in a bonfire on a farm in Kent, England. We'll be waiting for Mario to burn down a stadium full of cute stuffed animals to one-up these guys. 

Date: 12/10/2011

In a typical display of youthful exuberance Balotelli was guilty of breaking curfew before a match against Chelsea back in December of 2011. Mario decided to hit a late-night curry spot in Manchester, even though this was a direct violation of Roberto Mancini's 48-hour pre-match curfew. Well, he's never really been one for rules, right? The former City striker apparently made no attempt to hide his little adventure either, signing autographs and taking pictures in front of the restaurant. Balotelli was also said to have engaged in a sword fight with his friend using rolling pins from the kitchen. Really, Mario? Needless to say, Mancini was somewhat less than amused.

Date: 1/22/2012

If you have eyes it's awfully difficult to call this incidental. In a Premier League tilt back in January of last year, Balotelli stomped on Tottenham midfielder Scott Parkers head in the 83rd minute as he lay on the floor. Referee Howard Webb admitted he missed the challenge, but not to worry because the FA surely didn't. Balotelli was subsequently handed a four-match suspension for his actions, resulting in him missing the second leg of City's Carling Cup semi clash with Liverpool. Did we mention Balotelli scored the game winning penalty against Tottenham in stoppage time of that game? Of course he did.

Date: 3/27/2012

Just call it Mario being Mario. Only Super Mario could interrupt a press conference. Such was the case in March 2012 when Balotelli casually walked in on the introductory press conference of newly appointed inter coach, Andrea Stramaccioni, to congratulate the coach on his appointment. Of course, Balotelli was greeted like a returning hero. It is his former club after all.

Date: 1/3/2013

In one of Balotelli's final moments in Manchester, he and City boss Roberto Mancini got involved in a training ground dust up over a tackle Balotelli committed on Scott Sinclair. The man just can't win. If he doesn't try, he gets booed. If he tries to hard, the manager grabs him by the collar. #freeBalotelli

Date: 2/7/2013

Even a superstar like Mario Balotelli is subject to the rigors of airport parking. Balotelli parked his car in front of Linate arrivals and was promptly asked to move it by Italian police. In classic Mario fashion, Balotelli pretended to move the car, and was then sanctioned as a result of his failure to cooperate. Mario Balotelli, failure to cooperate? We're shocked.

Date: 2/27/2013

In the latest of magical moments in the life and times of Mario Balotelli, the Milan hitman has ordered a life-sized statue of himself for his home in Brescia. You really can't make this shit up. Apparently he has commissioned local artist Livio Scarpella to 'immortalise' him in platinum and bronze. Italian media speculates that the statue will replicate the above photo, in which Balotelli scored against Germany in the Euro 2012 semi-final, and promptly removed his shirt and flexed. Always true to form.