Gone are the days of "us vs. them." Now it's "I need DeSean Jackson to gain 80 yards receiving, Michael Vick to throw two interceptions, Eli Manning to connect for three touchdowns—unless one is to to Hakeem Nicks—then I need him to throw at least two to Bear Pascoe." Wait, what? Is that fun? That was exhausting to write. It's insufferable to be around.

With an estimated 40 million Americans playing fantasy football, that tiresome anticipation of specific scenarios plays out every Sunday in living rooms across the country. So here we are, a man cave divided. And, with every trip to the red zone, an announcement of your scoring preference, "If Matt Forte punches this in, I'm a lock this week." Cool, bro. Thanks for ruining football.