Award shows are basically dull, gaudy celebrations of millionaires. So, when we say that the ESPYs are the lamest, most embarrassing of them all—it's almost a compliment. Athletes are some of the most recognized public figures. They are cheered, paid generously and now, thanks to ESPN, validated with a fucking ESPY (in case Golden Gloves, championship rings, and MVP awards weren't accolade enough).

The selection process is pretty simple. “Best Team” goes to whichever squad won the Super Bowl, “Best Player” goes to whoever won MVP, and “Best Action Sports Athlete” goes to Shaun White. The show is pretty redundant, but when you think about it, so is giving awards to athletes.

Teams and individuals already compete against one another to definitively resolve who is best; making similar claims subjectively is just arrogant. And nothing says “asshole” quite like (literally) laying down a red carpet and throwing an award show for yourself.

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