The Sports Drink is to Douchebaggery as the sonnet is to love, the ultimate expression of an abstract concept. These beverages are intrinsically douchey, with their obsession with extreme sports, their outrageous pseudo-scientific fitness claims, and relentless objectification of women, but as with all things, the greats stand out from the pack. We have scoured the internet for the ten titans of the scummy energy drink game. We’ve also included any “athletic benefits” claimed by the company, just in case you are dumb enough to use them as a fitness supplement. Spike your hair, touch up your barbed wire tattoo, finish up in the tanning bed, and enjoy the 10 Douchiest Sports Drinks of All Time.
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No. 10 - Full Throttle
Full Throttle is the official energy drink of the National Hot Rod Association, and they are not going to let you forget it. In the history of the brand, they have boasted a “no-choke mixture”, have called their (discontinued) uncaffinated version “unleaded” and based their product art on “classic automobile design.” If this car fetish isn’t enough to turn you away from the “hardest working energy drink on the block”, check out the animated website for Full Throttle Slurpees, from 7/11.
Alleged Benefits: Full Throttle’s website is currently only a landing page, but the advertisements certainly imply performance enhancement. The online community of energy drink reviewers (yes, this is a thing) reports nothing more than a weak caffeine kick.
Extreme Website: Drink Full Throttle
No. 9 - Fast Twitch Ready-to-Drink
Douche aficionados out there are already familiar with the muscle-bound bro love of Muscle Milk’s other products. Of course, they couldn’t resist getting into the energy drink game. While Muscle Milk may help with muscle building with its heavy doses of protein, this drink has the same old ingredients you see in Monster, Red Bull and the rest, caffeine and B-vitamins.
Alleged Benefits: “… enhance[s] blood flow and oxygen delivery to exercising muscles … helps speed recovery process”
Extreme Website: CytoSport
No. 8 - NOS High Performance
NOS bills itself as a “High Performance Energy Drink”, and touts its association with athletes on their website. Dakota Sailor, a high school football player, had a largely different experience. He drank two bottles of NOS before a game, suffered a seizure, and stopped breathing. Read about his experience here.
Alleged Benefits: NOS claims to provide “high-performance energy and mental focus”
Extreme Website: Drink Nos
No. 7 - NUNN Active Hydration Tube
The NUUN Active Hydration Tube might be unique on this list … for actually doing the thing it says it does. However, this is not that impressive of an achievement, as NUUN merely claims to “keep you optimally hydrated” through the addition of electrolytes via a tablet you drop into water. Despite the pseudo-scientific verbiage on their website, this basically amounts to Gatorade tablets.
Alleged Benefits: “Electrolyte enhanced drink tabs designed to keep you optimally hydrated wherever your active lifestyle takes you.”
Extreme Website: NUUN
No. 6 - Ed Hardy “Celebrity” Energy Drink
It only makes sense that the king of douchey clothes would attempt to create douchiest beverage known to man. The results do not disappoint. Ed Hardy’s website claims that the drink is “made for celebrities”. In case you don’t believe them, they have a series of paparazzi-style pics of your favorite celebs pounding some Ed Hardy Energy Drink, including Kevin Federline, Stone Cold Steve Austin, Bow Wow and … Chris Brown. So, grab this “V.I.F.” drink (no, we have no idea what it means either) and become energized and famous at the same time.
Alleged Benefits: Ed Hardy’s genius idea is not to make health claims that can be refuted, but simply inundate you with attractive and fit celebrities so that your mind will trick you into seeing benefits from their drink. Also, look at that tiger on the can. Dope!
Extreme Website: Ed Hardy
No. 5 - COWBOY UP Energy Drink
Technically, the “C” and the “U” in Cowboy UP are horseshoes, but we didn’t know how to express that in this font. Any cultural trend will invariably have country music offshoots, just ask Cowboy Troy, and energy drinks are no exception. But, what’s great about country-western culture is they manage to mix a hearty dose of out-of-touch lameness with their douche. For example, the Cowboy UP website offers some cool wallpapers for your desktop. What is this, 1996?
Alleged Benefits: This “hand-crafted energy supplement” strengthens cowboy culture, so … perhaps it will assist you in training for the rodeo.
Extreme Website: Cowboy Up
No. 4 - TapouT Energy
Not to be outdone by douche-fashion kingpin Ed Hardy, the kings of MMA-inspired douchedom have their own line of energy beverages. If you are dumb enough to believe that wearing TapouT clothes will make you an athletic, then you should have no problem believing that TapouT energy drinks will give you the power you need to achieve that your idiotic goals.
Alleged Benefits: MMA imagery is plastered all over the site, but other than extreme levels of caffeine, there is not much in here to help you on your quest for glory in the Octagon.
Extreme Website: Tap Out
No. 3 - PrettY StokeD
The Norwegian company that makes this energy drink, as well as extreme apparel, is not to be confused with the defunct energy drink, Stoked, an American “dragon-themed energy drink”. When you fall in love with PrettY StokeD, and want to show that love, might we suggest purchasing a PrettY StokeD polo shirt from their “e-store”?
Alleged Benefits: Website Claim: “It is designed for perider with increased mental and physical effort. It vitalize body and mind. PrettY StokeD energy drink effects is used by top athletes and busy professionals as well as in the streets.” Probably some translation issues there from the original Norwegian, but you get the point.
Extreme Website: Pretty Stoked
No. 2 - 9 MM Energy Drink
Sorry ladies. No, this is not a sex toy/energy drink, but rather it is a douchey concoction that comes in the shape of a bullet. Why? Your boys at 9MM had this to say, “We wanted a product with an appearance that would be eye-catching and would differentiate our product completely from other energy drinks. After many months of market research we decided on the shape of a bullet; that’s how 9MM Energy Drink was born.” The promotional models for this drink wear oversized bandoliers so you’ll be able to spot them anywhere and flee without having to risk being seen within a mile radius of this heinous libation.
Alleged Benefits: Claims include “assuring energy supply and increasing physical performance” and “improving muscle tone” … we doubt it.
Extreme Website: 9MM Energy
No. 1 - Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt
This drink is so douchey that it may actually crest the full circle of douche back in to the realm of complete and utter awesomeness. The first line on the “About” section of the web site says it all, “Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt energy drinks are as unique as the man who created it.” Why should you buy this drink? Again, straight from the horse’s mouth, “These are just two of the countless secrets of TRUE ENERGY that Steven Seagal has discovered in his travels all over the globe. Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt combines years of experience with remarkable ingredients to provide the energy your body, mind and spirit have been craving.”
Alleged Benefits: website claims it “holds untold natural power”, which might be helpful in the gym.
Extreme Website: Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt