John Oliver Lists Everything That Should Be Banned After Labor Day on 'Last Week Tonight'

Not wearing white is a cool idea, but John Oliver would like to make arbitrary holiday rules a bit more expansive.

September 5, 2016

Not Available Lead — Image via Complex Original

Happy Labor Day everyone. If you're one of the so-called normal souls lucky enough to benefit from this holiday, then good on you. Enjoy getting day drunk alone and rewatching the entire Transformers franchise in reverse order—or whatever it is you do on holidays. But for Last Week Tonight host John Oliver and many others, the simple pleasures just aren't enough this particular Labor Day.

"We are all familiar with the rule that you shouldn't wear white after Labor Day, which is much easier for some people to follow than for others," Oliver said, making note of Gwyneth Paltrow's apparent disregard for this unofficial rule. "But honestly we should be using more holidays as arbitrary points to stop doing things." Go on. I'm listening.

First suggestion? The prompt eradication of horrendous Thanksgiving gourds. "After Thanksgiving, you have to stop decorating your home with gourds," Oliver said. "It's cute in October. It's acceptable but obnoxiously folksy in November. But after that you're just keeping loose produce lying around." You hear that, beloved family? Out with the gourds!

Oliver also had some less-than-kind words for the devil's drink (Eggnog), the act of winking, and humans' unfortunate habit of saying "that's interesting" to someone when, in fact, what that person is talking about is anything but interesting. "From now on, when someone tells you a boring story, simply say 'Bless you,'" Oliver suggested. "Like you were just sneezed on, because that is what hearing about someone's travel delay is like."

So, yeah, enjoy your Labor Day. But keep these fresh rules in mind as we move into yet another marathon of holidays.