How to Hook Up in Your Dorm Without Pissing Off Your Roommates

Mastering how to hook up in your dorm room can be more difficult than some of your upper level classes. Aside from the awkwardly narrow beds and the occasional tumble off the top bunk, you also have to endure the embarrassment of hooking up with another human across the room, or in some situations, in the bed right beneath you.

We feel for your situation, and we're here to advise you on how to keep your woman (or your sorority girl of the week) satisfied, while also maintaining your roommate's sanity: How to Hook Up in Your Dorm Without Pissing Off Your Roommates.

By Shanté Cosme (@ShanteCosme)

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You want to be a good roommate, we believe you. But when you roll into your dorm with a giggly, drunk girl at 2 a.m., and proceed to have sex while intermittently hiccuping on the top bunk for the third time this week, your roommate is probably not sold on your resolve to be conscientious.

If you want to get intimate with your lady and not cause a confrontation (or have your RA hold an awkward "mediation" meeting), you need to get intimate with your roommate's schedule. Put his and yours side by side, and note the hours he is in class while you're not. This is your new sex schedule. Sure, it shoots the whole spontaneity thing in the heel, but it thwarts the rage your roomie will feel when his free time coincides with your freak time.

During the week, it's easy to identify when your roommate will be out, but on the weekends, he will be impossible to keep track of. This is where your elaborately planned alert system comes in.

Sit down with your roommate and talk about your inalienable right to have casual sex with cute sorority girls. Empower him by declaring that he also has that right, and explain that a few small signals will ensure you both explore this right fully.

Here's what you'll do: You will put a tie/sock/ribbon on the doorknob when you have a lady in your room. That way, your well-intention roomie doesn't barge in whistling an upbeat tune, ready to offer you a beer, while you're making sweet music of your own. It should be noted that this privilege should be used sparingly. Even if you are that good, your roommate should not arrive home to find the signal employed every weekend night for three months in a row. Think of it as a special occasion kind of thing.

Cuddling after sex is awesome. But, your roommate awaking to find that you prefer to be the little spoon is an awkward situation, for him and you.

It can be tempting to stage sleepovers every night, particularly if you're in a relationship, but truly, it's not fair to force your roommate into sharing your already cramped dorm with another person. Every once in awhile, it's cool if she stays at your place, but try to alternate between your room, hers, and sleeping alone so that neither of your roommates grow to resent the two of you.

There's a time and a place to try that new position, and the time is not when you have another human being three feet away whom you could possibly kick in the face. Normally, we'd never recommend this, but stick to the tired and true. Think missionary position and spooning positions, not so much the pinwheel panther, or whatever other Kama Sutra shit you've been dying to try.

Save that next level stuff for when your roomie is out of town, and save yourself the embarrassment of being found in advanced crouching tiger and trying to explain why your ass is hovering above her face.

Just because your roommates eyes are closed doesn't mean he's actually sleeping. Likewise, even if he is asleep, it's not as though he's suddenly become impervious to sound. You may find your lady's love sounds sexy, but chances are her falsetto orgasms don't bring him the same joy you get.

If you can't keep your humping on the hush, consider putting on some music to spare your buddies the embarrassment of hearing discernible moans and groans. Skip the Jodeci (too obvious), and choose a soothing soundtrack (Play his favorite band for bonus points!) that will lull your roomie to sleep. Be sure to play it loud enough to cancel out the cacophony of sex noises tumbling out of her mouth, and you can get your satisfaction while remaining reasonably considerate.

Sure, sex isn't just made for beds. But when it comes to your dorm room, it is. Just as you wouldn't contemplate hooking up on your roommate's bunk (this is obvious, we hope), you should also never consider it cool to hook up on any shared furniture, like the couch or that cool bean bag chair you two bought together.

The reasoning behind this? Well for one, no one (not even the crappiest roommate) deserves to watch television on a semen-stained couch. And secondly, couches often become impromptu beds, so you are essentially hooking up on the common area bed, which is gross and inconsiderate. Should you get caught in the act there, your roommates would be fully justified in demanding you pay to get the couch cleaned, and also, in thinking that you're a douche. Do better, and keep your bare ass (and hers) off the couch.

Studying takes serious concentration and mastering an almost zen state of mind. But it's difficult to zero in on your flashcards and maintain your meditative mindset when your roommate is perpetually studying a stranger's anatomy, and is only an arm's length away from your desk.

If it's around midterms/finals time, or your roommate makes a point of mentioning an exam they're studying for, you need to find a new place to pursue your extra-curricular activities for the evening. If you don't, then at that point, you're not just being completely inconsiderate, you're impeding their ability to succeed. Be respectful of their work ethic, and hey, maybe take some notes their study habits?

Having sex in a bed (even if it is narrow and precariously high off the ground) is a luxury. Unfortunately, it's a luxury having a dorm doesn't always afford. If you feel your roommate's anger beginning to become palpable, maybe it's time to take your rendezvous out of the dorm.

Initially, you might be adverse to the idea of moving beyond the sheets, but think of it as an opportunity to expand your sexual horizons. Think beyond the bed. Consider the other slightly risque places around campus you might be able to pull off without getting expelled. Maybe the abandoned stacks on the 5th floor of the library? The soccer locker room well after practice?

Make a game out of being inventive and it will become less of a chore, and more of a chance to take your creativity to the next level. The we-might-get-caught factor always adds an element of excitement that you could never duplicate in your dorm.

At the end of the day, the golden "do unto others" rule is the best way to develop a strong, mutually respectful relationship with your roommate. It means that if he takes one for the team, and opts to sleep on the common area's couch so you can get yours, make sure you return the favor when the opportunity arises. It means when he chooses not to call you out for waking him up on a Tuesday night, you don't turn around and lambaste him when he pulls the same move. It also means not bringing people home on a Tuesday night so that he will have reason to be equally considerate.

Give him every possible courtesy you hope to be given, and forgive every mistake you're likely to make in a few months time. If you make the effort, your roommate will become your wing-man rather than your worst enemy.