Image via Complex Original
TK
Intro.
Theyz in ur interwebz, eatin ur timez: Puppiez and Babiez.
Chances are, you've been so thoroughly overwhelmed by this Internet meme that you didn't even register that sentence as the gross assault of grammar that it is. It's time to tear yourself away from those adorably annoyingly mispelled captions on icanhascheezburger.com puppy pics and quit searching for YouTube videos starring unintentionally humorous three-year-olds biting fingers and cursing.
Don't see the harm in your actions? Web-surfing like this has lead Animal Planet to create a show called Puppies Vs. Babies (premiering Saturday, 10 p.m.), on which "16 of the most popular and most adorable clips of animals and infants posted on the Internet battle it out to answer the question once and for all of which is truly cuter: puppies or babies." Are you happy now?
The Internet is making you soft, disgustingly soft, but Complex is here to toughen you up again and save you from your unhealthy diet of adorability with something far different, something that will haunt your dreams for many, many nights to come: ugly puppies and babies. Maybe now you'll recognize them for the true terrors that they are!
So the next time someone dares waste your precious time with a link to a video of a kid after the dentist or a forwarded picture of a pup in a bowtie and top hat, direct them here as cruel, much-deserved revenge.
Written by Shanté Cosme (@ShanteCosme)
Milk Carton Baby
No that's not your face on the milk carton. Who the eff would want to kidnap your ugly ass?
Scary Pup
"I told you not to disturb me while I'm sunbathing!"
Forehead Wrinkle baby
You were just born and you already have more forehead wrinkes than George Burns? Disgusting.
Stink eye dog
Quit giving me the stink eye. I don't care if that's just your face.
Demon baby
You look like a baby Lord Voldemort, but with a nose. You're terrifying.... Go take a nap.
Drunk Pup
I can haz more scotch?
Legless Pup
We're not hating on you because your handicapped. We're hating on you because you're ugly.
Rabid baby
Not only do you look like a 65-year-old man, you also clearly have rabies. FOH, baby.
Bearded dog
What's all this?? What do you think, you're ZZ Top or something?
Cross-eyed baby
You're two months old and you look like Danny Devito. There's nothing super about that.
Ugly Dog Near Boobs
How did you manage to get within two feet of a woman's breasts, you hideous ball of fur and flesh?
Chubby Cheeks
We're pretty sure you grew up to be this kid singing about cupcakes. That's you, right?
Vagina Eyed Dog
Your eye may look like a porn star's vagina, but that does not justify your ugly ass humping my leg. Beat it!
Alien Baby
She couldn't just bone the milkman, could she? She had to go and get probed by an alien and leave me with THIS.
Stimpy Dog
You look like Ren from Ren and Stimpy. No, that's not a good thing.
Just Ugly
There is not an endearing bone in your body. Not a single fucking one.
Crazy hair Dog
"Some asses weren't meant to be sniffed."
Constipated Baby
It was his first time hearing Justin Beiber sing "Baby."
Pup with Pearls
What do you think you're classy, or something? Maybe instead of springing for the pearls you should have got a haircut.
Yellow-Faced-baby
What did you just do, go down on Big Bird? You disgust me.
Pugly pup
You are one pug-ly motherfucker.
Rat Baby
You look like you just crawled out of an ostrich egg. Now please do us a favor and crawl back in.
Puppy Boobs
Those puppies are by far the ugliest we've ever seen. And we've seen a lot of puppies.
Sepia baby
Not even sepia tone could save you.
Evil baby
Ugly ginger children like you are the reason guys get kicked in the nuts.
ugly dog
"He ain't my president 'til I see his papers."
Dirty Dog
I reckon it's time for a warshin'...
Fat baby
I can haz Milkshakez?
Dinosaur dog
No, I don't want to give you treat. Get your dinosaur head out of my face, now. Go on.
Andy Samberg Baby
You look like Andy Samberg in the "Jizz in My Pants" video. No seriously, he makes that exact face.
Britain's ugliest
I can haz bracez?
