A Gentleman's Guide To Getting Drunk With Your Girl

A night out drinking with the boys demands no technique, pacing or decency. It's a full-throttle, no-holds-barred descent into debauchery. Drinking with your girl, however, demands all of the above, and then some.

Drinking with your lady is a delicate scenario that demands forethought, class and tact. In other words, it requires you act like a gentleman.

St. Patrick's Day is fast approaching, and there is almost nothing that could interfere with our enjoyment of a holiday devoted to imbibing (aside from an absentee bartender or a shortage of Guinness) more than a sloppy couple. Don't be that couple. Get on your level with our advice in mind: A Gentleman's Guide To Drinking With Your Girl.

The most important thing to remember when drinking with your girl? You are not with your boys. You have nothing to prove. Rather than drinking to get shitfaced, enjoy your beverage. Your friends might cut you slack for your slurring and the occasional whiskey-fueled outburst, but why put the person you're in a relationship with through that?

You're in the presence of a woman, and one you care about, to boot; act like it. Don't wait for her (or worse yet, the bartender) to cut you off. Know how many drinks you can have and still maintain your poise, and stop one drink before that, just to be safe. Likewise, if your lady is nearing the point of no return (you should know what that is, and what the signs are), stop ordering drinks. Maybe get her a glass of water. Don't act like her dad, but make it clear, via the example you're setting, that this isn't freshman year and no one should have to become intimately familiar with anyone's special puking sounds.

Don't use being intoxicated as the impetus for some wild confession. If there are major issues the two of you need to discuss, the time to broach the subject is never after three rounds of shots. Our emotions tend to bubble to the surface after alcohol has annihilated our inhibitions, but a true gentleman doesn't let booze get the best of him.

This is true for bad news (I'm sleeping with your best friend) as much as it is for good news (I love you). Sober heads are necessary in both situations so that you can communicate clearly and genuinely.

Save the sloppy confessions for your local bartender (that's practically what they're there for!), and open up to her over a cup of coffee when you're straight and will remember what you have to say.

Yes, the bartender is cute. That's her job. It's your job to communicate that you are taken. This means not buying her shots, subtly flirting or paying more attention to her than your date. We hate to even mention something so obvious, but we've seen too many arguments over this not to point it out.

This rule also applies to her friends. Don't get extra friendly with her girls, thinking it's cool because you've had a few cocktails. It's not. Even the most benign contact is subject to misinterpretation after a few shots. Better to stay on the safe side and keep your murky statements and hard-to-read hands to yourself.

When you're out with just dudes, chances are you'll end up at dive bar with beer by the pitcher, cheap drink specials, or a pub with 40 beers on tap. If you're out drinking with your woman, it would be nice if you deferred to her preferences, especially if it's just the two of you.

Most women enjoy wine and cocktails over scummy drafts and greasy neon. Instead of hitting a spot where the choice of wine is limited to red or white, hit up a wine bar or take her somewhere with a long list of cocktails. No, this does not mean you need to drink something with an umbrella and multiple pieces of fruit, but do use this jab-free opportunity to try something you normally wouldn't.

Even if you're out with a large group, be sure to keep her needs in mind. Most of the time, this is as simple as choosing a place with a clean toilet. (Don't make her hover.) She'll be happy because you're thinking of her, even in seemingly small ways.

Every couple has one topic that is a no-fail trigger for a fight. Oftentimes, this is the first thing your drunk tongue wants to shout about after the last sip goes down.

Drinks don't have to lead to conflict. You set the mood for the evening before you've even had one cocktail. Knowing that, going out post-fight may seem like an ideal way to ease the tension, but in actuality, it will probably only fan the flames. Tequila isn't cheap therapy. It's more like lighter fluid; you'll end up saying things you don't mean, things you'll regret.

Avoid all the hot buttons when you booze. Keep the conversation positive, and you'll wake up with zero regrets and your relationship intact. Cheers to that!

Or slutty over shots. After a few, you're feeling frisky. There is considerably more flirting, a dirty word or two might be exchanged, there might even be furtive groping under the table. But it's important not to over do it, especially if you're out with other people. You may think it's cute to caress over cocktails, squeeze her ass in a crowded bar, or accidentally knock over an innocent bystander's beer with a wayward limb during a wild make-out session, but trust us, nobody else does.

In fact, the bartender giving you the stink eye and the the guy ice-grilling over his g&t are not a figment of your imagination—those folks are actually that annoyed. Rather than going XXX, keep it PG-13 and opt for covert come-ons and whispered promises about what's to come later.

We're all for the uncharted, occasionally freaky territories drunk sex can lead you to, but before you push things into the unknown, consider this: the morning will come. If getting what you want took a bit of coercing, you will be in for some impossibly awkward glances and conversation the next morning. (Not to mention that if you're trying something new, it's probably best to do so when your motor skills and coordination are tip top.)

Don't use those extra beers as an excuse to push the envelope, particularly in the early stages of a relationship. Better to play your gentleman card than take advantage of any temporary lack of inhibitions. If you want to try something, talk it out when you're both sober. It's scarier that way, but it's also smarter.

It's terribly awkward if you lose your erection during sex. We know it's not our fault, that Johnny Walker is the one to blame, but it doesn't make it any less uncomfortable.

It's especially excruciating when you've been hyping up the sex all night, with drunk whispers and searching hands. So, avoid this. Say no to the last round of shots; opt out of that last round of drinks. Living up to her expectations will make you feel better than any shot ever could, trust.

You know what sucks? Watching a sloppy couple fight at the bar. Even healthy couples have it out every once and a while, but if you're having a blow-out every single time you booze, consider not drinking together, or drinking signficiantly less.

Aside from ruining the evening, it creates doubt about the stability of your relationship in the minds of, well, everyone. If every night out inevitably leads to screaming, crying, and name-calling, you can bet all your friends are talking about what a hot mess you and so-and-so are. Don't be that couple.

Fighting with other dudes because they happen to look in the general vicinity of your girl also falls into this camp. Is there a film crew following you? No? That must mean you're not on Jersey Shore, so don't act like it. Act grown or go home.

Mad Men's Don Draper may be a cad, but we have to give props where they're due—the man knows how to hold his liquor (at least in seasons 1, 2, and 3.) There is no reason a few drinks should harm your character, revealing you to be less of a gentleman than you actually are. Here are a few last pointers: