How to Make Bad Liquor Taste Better

Prohibition ended on December 5, 1933; it brought out the ingenuity in Americans everywhere, made bootleggers out of average Joes across the country. While there are no magic cure-alls for making bottom-shelf booze taste like its top-shelf counterparts, there are a few things you can do to get more out of each lean dollar you spend.

Here are some modest tips to make you feel a bit of the power of the Prohibition-era bootlegger. Here's how to make bad liquor taste better.

You'll need one Brita filter and a handle of cheap, harsh vodka, Georgi perhaps. First step, last step: Run the vodka through the pitcher six times.

Though this method has near urban legend status among undergrads, it does work. Reputed food website CHOW conducted the test with a bottle of Gordon's and then compared it to Absolut and Grey Goose. They wrote: "In the end, the Brita-filtered Gordon's did taste better than the undoctored version, but the top-shelf brands were still the best."

Hey, Chowhounds—we don't care that it didn't taste as "good" as the top-shelf hooch; we just need it taste like we paid more than $5.99 for it.

This is the even more rugged version of the Brita technique. Any time filtering via a Brita comes up in conversation, people question whether it wouldn't make more sense to just buy a more expensive alcohol. However, if you use the filter option often enough, it'll pay for itself. The other thing to consider is guerilla tactics. Screw paying more—this is about sticking it to everyone, kill/spray everything. So then there's this: screw Brita.

Throw approximately an inch of the food-grade—that's important—charoal into a bottle of vodka, while making sure to leave some air space at the top of the bottle. Let that sit for a week; be sure to shake every day. Then, voila. You're DIY like crunchy girls who craft, or punk bands mishandling their instruments.

This is easy, provided you've got a little patience to spare. You'll need some vodka, some fresh fruit, and a clear glass jar with a tight-fitting lid. Some popular fruit choices: watermelon, lemon, raspberry, apple, strawberry, peach, mango, lemon, lime. Cut into the fruits to expose the flesh, which allows the flavor to leak into the vodka. Place the fruit salad into the clear glass jar. Add vodka. Seal the lid tight and put it in the fridge, or a similarly cool, dark place. Don't put it in direct sunlight. Then, wait. Wait at least four days, maybe a week. Taste it occasionally to see where your vodka is at in terms of flavor. After the wait, strain then serve. Pro tip: get drunk off the discarded fruit.

This is an old technique, dating back half a century, to shape up shitty whiskey. Say you've come into something foul, plastic bottle and poorly printed lablel. Just add 1.5 oz of port wine to the fifth of whiskey and shake it up well. Let the concoction sit for at least three hours. Serve.

It's a no-brainer, but for a reason. The sweeter the beverage you add to the mediocre spirit, the more you'll cut back on the harshness of the liquor. You need to do is maks the nastier flavors with strong tastes like sugar and citrus. Nothing cuts as well as those two. Crappy whiskey but no port lying around? Add cola and squeeze in lime juice.

Vodka exists only to strengthen the flavors its mixed with, so if you have cheap vodka, don't drink it straight. Don't do shots. Add a drink you like, and a lot of it. Simple, but powerful.