Cancellation Watch: Which New Fall Show Will Catch the Ax Next?

It's a cold world out there for your boy Jerry O'Connell—actually, it's not. At all. Because he goes wakes up next to Rebecca Romijn every morning, and is a Hollywood star. But O'Connell isn't feeling so hot these days, since his CBS sitcom We Are Men was just cancelled after only one epic failure of an episode. The fall 2013 season's second casualty, We Are Men—which co-starred Kal Penn and Tony Shalhoub—joined ABC's similarly one-and-out drama series Lucky 7 into the land of future TV blogger punch lines, where it'll rest in misery alongside The Playboy Club, Work It, and Rob.

If history repeats itself, there will be more Nielsen ratings' victims joining Lucky 7 and We Are Men in the near future. Will Sean Hayes, Blair Underwood, and/or James Caan need to call Jerry O'Connell for an unemployed guys' night out soon? Based on the most recent ratings numbers for their respective new shows, O'Connell should keep his schedule open—in other words, keep doing what he's doing.

Which of the new fall 2013 TV shows is the next We Are Men? In the latest installment of our weekly Cancellation Watch breakdown, we've ranked the strongest contenders from the show least likely to get the ax to the one that's most in danger of making Jerry O'Connell feel a little better about himself.

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Number of episodes: 2
Worst moment from the latest episode: "And that is why I think Rihanna's dancing, singing, and lopsided hair makes her the swaggiest of the swaggy. Hashtag, I just wish she wouldn't tweet so much about smoking weed." This inexplicable nonsense came from Mikayla in the middle of an episode about cemetery plots. She says these words, after which the family applauds, and before she disappears up the stairs (and off the set), her mother tells her, "Why don't you go show everyone what you're going to wear?" Is this for a talent show? Is she going to dress like Rihanna? Ah, they began shooting the episode and someone realized, "We forgot to give what's-her-name a line, again!" And this is the result. She is forced to read a lazy, out-of-touch tweet directly from someone's iPhone. New game: What will they make the little-girl-the-writers-always-forget-to-write-for say next? So far, everything's going pretty swaggy.

Prognosis: Will Arnett can breathe a sigh of relief—for now, at least. Unlike his doomed NBC sitcom Up All Night, The Millers is giving its network reasons to celebrate. Nearly 12 million people tuned into last week's episode, an impressive number in and of itself, but when you factor in how it retained 94% of the prior week's count in the process, The Millers is sitting pretty. For the time being, Arnett can take Mitch Hurwitz's phone number off of speed dial.

Number of episodes: 3
Worst moment from the latest episode: No matter how winsome his smile may be, or how disarmingly casual he looks in tight sweaters, Zach still can't charm the d-bag out of comments like, "I think Andrew is a little upset because I got a jacket and he didn't. Even though I explained how me sleeping with the girl who liked the jacket is going to be a victory for both of us."

That comment (from the beginning of the second episode "The Spectacular") is quickly bypassed, but when the rest of the episode is so carefully crafted, a throwaway comment like that just feels lazy. We like Zach, he's funny, he looks great in a leather jacket, and he plays well with others—CBS, don't screw this up and turn him into another sexed out womanizer with great hair. That's so passé, and it didn't work the first two and a half times.

Prognosis: Those glass-is-half-empty types would be quick to point out that The Crazy Ones dipped a bit in ratings last week, slipping half a ratings point in the 18-49 demographic to 9.9 million viewers. But, yes...9.9 million viewers. That's still a huge number for any freshman sitcom, let alone one that's nearly made intolerable by Robin Williams' manic antics, besting both NBC's Grey's Anatomy (8.7 mil) and Glee's widely discussed Cory Monteith tribute episode (7.4 mil).

Number of episodes: 4
Worst moment from the latest episode: Who says the crass writers behind Dads are one-dimensional? Usually saving their unsubtle awfulness for racial targets, the sitcom's creative team gave Seth Green something much less provocative to do in the latest episode, misleadingly titled "Funny Girl." The set-up is that Green's character, Eli, wants to sleep with Veronica's (Brenda Song) newly single friend, who's also an obnoxious stand-up comic. Eli's rationale for putting with her lame jokes: "What do I care, my penis doesn't have ears," he says, before sticking his crotch outward and adding, in a higher-pitched voice, "I'm deaf! Look at me, I'm deaf! Life is so hard!" Apparently penises can't read scripts or fire agents, either.

Prognosis: Nope, there isn't any justice in the world of sitcoms. Despite the fact that every critic alive hates it, Dads is pulling in enough viewers to infect the airwaves longer than it should. Last week's episode earned 3.1 million viewers, giving Fox the confidence to order six more scripts, meaning the network isn't ready to listen to critics just yet.

Number of episodes: 3
Worst moment from the latest episode: Compared to, say, the horrific sitcom Dads, Mom is a laugh-a-second triumph. (Of course, that's not a realistic scale, since Dads is the epitome of unfunny.) Never unwatchable, Mom continues to be something that's possibly worse: unrelentingly mediocre. With two first-class funnywomen as its lead, this Anna Faris/Allison Janney team-up needs to try harder. Much harder. Jokes like the following are embarrassing for all involved.

While discussing the potential relationship she can have with a nice guy (played by guest star Justin Long), Christy (Faris) envisions a quaint life in which they have missionary sex twice a week. Christy's trainwreck of a mother, Bonnie, (Janney), offers, "You know, I had sex with a missionary once, and, oddly, he was not a fan of that position." It's only a matter of time until Bonnie opens up about her doggystyle intercourse with a German Shepherd. Mom is that kind of show.

Prognosis: Chuck Lorre—the superproducer behind Mom and mega-hits like The Big Bang Theory and Two and a Half Men—isn't network television's Teflon Don after all. With 6.9 million viewers last week, Mom continues to underperform for CBS. One silver lining: The network put down We Are Men first, perhaps due to its lack of Lorre-ness. Now, without We Are Men making people tune away from CBS before Mom begins, CBS will air Big Bang reruns before Mike & Molly returns on November 4. Which will be great lead-in news for Mom, assuming CBS hangs on to it that long. All signs point to that being the case. Chuck Lorre's earned the right to help a problem child grow.

Number of episodes: 3
Worst moment from the latest episode: It's difficult to wade through the racist jokes Cannon spews every episode and pick the worst one, but alas, there's always one. Asians seemed to be his target group in this week's episode. When Cannon was telling Terry there was no chance in hell he was going on the date she set him up on he unloaded this horrible one-liner: "If this house was on fire, I would sit here and burn like a monk." This of course a reference to the infamous photograph of a monk setting himself on fire during the Vietnam War. Nice one.

Prognosis: So far, Back in the Game feels like a starting pitcher who's trying to stay on the mound after giving up six runs in the first inning. Though the ABC sitcom's 6.4 million viewer tally last week isn't catastrophic, it's a drop-off from the previous episode's number, signaling the audience waning interest in watching James Caan play mean elder who cracks racial jokes about a bunch of young baseball players. Go figure.

Number of episodes: 2
Worst moment from the latest episode: Somehow, the worst moment on an episode featuring a serial killer who slashes his victims to death on the streets of New York, films the attacks with a cell phone, and posts the videos to YouTube—a killer called App the Ripper—somehow, the worst moment of Ironside's second episode has nothing to do with that. Instead, the worst moment comes at the end, when Ironside's partner Holly (Spencer Grammer) gets revenge on her fat Italian-American mafioso uncle, a fella Central Casting would've laughed off a Sopranos audition. In an episode that tackles serial killers on social media, child abuse, rape, domestic abuse, and kidnapping, the most over-the-top scene is a mobster getting his face shoved in a plate of spaghetti straight out of family-style Buca di Beppo. How is this real?

Prognosis: The lesson is clear: Why would people want to watch a new cop when they're already BFFs with a bunch of crime scene investigators? For the second week in a row, Ironside was dominated in its 10 p.m time slot by the CBS smash C.S.I., garnering 5.2 million viewers to C.S.I.'s 8.8. Ironside also lost to ABC's sleeper hit Nashville, because, you know, Connie Britton and Hayden Panettiere.

Number of episodes: 2
Worst moment from the latest episode: Another reminder that the series is on ABC, right after Modern Family: The entire episode was an afternoon special. The message? Be yourself. The three girls sign up for a three-on-three online dating site, which leads them to embellish their boring lives beyond recognition. Case in point: Wilson's Kimmie Boubier is, in her profile, a Russian model. After her co-worker Richard suffers a demoralizing meal with a high-powered attorney who made him personally feed him, Richard goes a schpiel about how being true to yourself is blah, blah, blah. Ultimately, Boubier comes clean about her true identity, and the three couples live happily ever after.

Prognosis: More like Super Rough Night. Last week's episode brought in 22% less viewers than star Rebel Wilson was able to attract for the show's premiere. Our appreciation for Wilson, who deserves better than this flaccid sitcom, has us feeling conflicted. On one hand, people rejecting Super Fun Night implies that, for once, good taste is prevailing; however, one also can't help but feel bad for Wilson, who's spoken publicly about feuding with ABC over the show's direction. Good news for her, though: It may not be long until Wilson's having her own booze-filled "super fun night" while drinking away the pain caused by her first major network cancellation.

Number of episodes: 3
Worst moment from the latest episode: There's a reason why shows like Revenge and Scandal are a hit: illicit affairs and deception draw eyes. Those shows recognize their strengths. And that's where Betrayal needs to pick it up. The camera lingers more on courtroom drama than the sexual tension between Jack and Sara. If you've DVR'd it, you'll find yourself skipping all the scenes of Jack interrogating this new murder suspect Perkins, yet another craggly old rich guy, for scenes between the star-crossed lovers. Luckily, viewers got something else to hook onto: Jack's son is a sociopath and his daughter begins a lesbian relationship with his new tech-savvy intern, who's also becoming the Watson to his Sherlock.

Prognosis: But don't start caring about Jack's lesbian daughter just yet. Already on an alarming downward slide before yesterday, Betrayal took what could be its final plunge last night, dropping below a 1.0 rating among the beloved 18-49 demographic. The Sunday night 10 p.m. EST slot is already crowded enough, with the successful cable shows Eastbound & Down and Masters of Sex, but now that ratings juggernaut The Walking Dead is back in the mix? Those five people who might have given Betrayal a shot are now too busy watching zombies' heads get smashed. If TV shows were people, Betrayal would be decrepit, flat-lined, and stumbling toward Daryl Dixon in no time. And maybe The Walking Dead will incorporate an LGBTQ character to sweeten the deal.

Number of episodes: 2
Worst moment from the latest episode: As Ellie prepares to go bra shopping with Liz and Lorna in "Busted," potential was high for snarky Sean Hayes one-liners, amusing character confliction, and, of course, boob puns. Instead, Liz cultivates her image as a full-blown floozy and Lorna takes the cake as the mortifying grandmother who failed to extract even a chuckle despite workable material like "perfectly natural stirrings," "exploring your body" and "Have you looked at your vagina in the mirror?" Lorna makes us feel awkward, and not in the genius, uncomfortable Michael Scott way. Kind of like Kim Kardashian driving baby Nori around while using a purse to block her face from paparazzi—not too bright, not too much funny, and just sad.

Prognosis: You'd think that the night when a show as excellent as Parks & Recreation would be a relatively safe haven for NBC programmers. But, sadly, you'd be wrong. The Peacock Network's Thursday night lineup is a whole lot of struggle right now, with Sean Saves the World in the worst shape of all. The latest episode only attracted 3.3 million viewers. Meaning, that's right, the guy who played that fan-favorite side character on a once-popular sitcom (Will & Grace) isn't appealing enough to anchor a successful sitcom all on his own. Sorry, David Hyde Pierce—that network pitch of yours won't have much traction these days.

Number of episodes: 2
Worst moment from the latest episode: Most of the time the rivalry between Dan and Miguel is funny, but sometimes it's downright ridiculous. Case in point: their argument over paying for Molly's sonogram. The guys get into it after a nurse asks to see Molly's insurance and Dan goes to show the insurance card, but is interrupted by Miguel, who offers to pay. They argue over who gets to pay and at one point Miguel even asks the nurse to split the costs on both the Yoders' and Hernandezes' insurance cards. Dan responds with, "What are we, at brunch?" Our thoughts exactly. And brunch is never fun, or funny. Dan and Miguel are basically having one long "who has a bigger penis" match and they're both coming off as dicks. No winners here. Especially you, the viewer.

Prognosis: Hold off on those welcoming parties, folks. With its tepid 2.4 million viewer count last week, down 27% from its previous episode's number, Welcome to the Family is posting calamitous ratings that would normally get it yanked from NBC's programming schedule. Which, unfortunately for those 2.4 million people who apparently love Mike O'Malley, doesn't bode well for the show's longterm plans.