Image via Complex Original
The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.
This week's roundup includes trading chicken for sex, a drunk Spanish teacher, and shoving a chainsaw down your pants. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.
Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].
And for your viewing pleasure, here's the latest episode of Ratchet News Network with The Kid Mero:
RNN: Ratchet News Network
Game of “Battleship” Goes from 0-100 Real Quick After Father Pulls Loaded Gun on Daughter
Date: 11/8/2014
Location: West Mountain, Utah
Crime: Aggravated assault and unlawful detention
Ratchet Meter: 6
Do you remember Battleship? No, not the Rihanna vehicle that turned a Milton Bradley board-game into a summer movie, the actual Battleship game. The classic table top game almost ended with tragedy as a father pulled a loaded gun on his daughter after a fight broke out over the game.
John Richard Valenzuela, 68, pointed a loaded rifle at his 17-year-old daughter after a fight broke out thanks to the board game. Police dispatchers received a series of 911 calls from the girl and managed to track her cell phone using GPS technology. Sgt. Spencer Cannon, of the Utah County Sheriff's department, said Valenzuela and his daughter were still fighting when police arrived.
“They had a dispute. She tried to leave, he physically prevented her from leaving. Alcohol played a role here. Valenzuela pointed a loaded rifle at his daughter at least twice.”
Thankfully nobody was injured during the exchange and Valenzuela's daughter has been returned to her foster family.
Drunk Driver Travels Over a Mile With Injured Pedestrian Stuck in His Windshield
Date: 11/10/2014
Location: Ocean Township, N.J.
Crime: Leaving the scene of an accident and drunk driving
Ratchet Meter: 7
Police in New Jersey say a drunk driver hit a pedestrian, then drove for more than a mile with the victim lodged in the windshield of his car.
The Smoking Gun reports that 33-year-old Marcos Ortega hit 61-year-old Kenneth Moeller on Monday evening as he veered onto the shoulder along Route 9 in Ocean Township, N.J. According to the Ocean County Police Department, Ortega proceeded to travel about 1.5 miles with Moeller stuck in his windshield, critically injured.
When police received a report about someone driving erratically, they located a car with someone “halfway through the vehicle's windshield.” Moeller was eventually removed and hospitalized in critical condition. Meanwhile, Ortega was arrested and charged with leaving the scene of an accident and drunk driving.
[via The Smoking Gun]
Kentucky Man Indicted for Hiring Hitman to Kill Family, Then Killing the Hitman
Date: 10/31/2014
Location: Cadiz, Ky.
Crime: Murder, complicity to commit murder, and complicity to commit kidnapping
Ratchet Meter: 9
A Kentucky man has been indicted for hiring a contract killer to murder his family, then killing the hitman to avoid paying him.
According to the Associated Press, the bodies of Ryan Champion's mother, father, and sister were found inside of the family's Cadiz, Kent. home last month along with that of 22-year-old Vito Riservato. When the bodies were initially discovered, the 36-year-old Champion made it seem like he had survived the shooting.
“I was able to turn the tables on him,” he told WSMV. “He got close enough to me that I could turn the tables, and that was it.”
Champion was arrested on Oct. 31, four days after the shooting. In between, he made Facebook posts about recovering from the incident, while adding that he needed money. A motive for the crime has not been identified, but Champion will return to court in January to face charges for murder, complicity to commit murder, and complicity to commit kidnapping.
[via Associated Press]
The “Cake Boss” Gets Popped for DWI
Date: 11/13/2014
Location: New York, N.Y.
Crime: Driving while intoxicated
Ratchet Meter: 5
Give him a rolling pin and some frosting, and Buddy “Cake Boss” Valastro is unstoppable. Put him behind the wheel or at the helm of a boat, though, and it’s an entirely different story.
Valastro was stopped by the NYPD in Hells Kitchen around 1:00 AM this morning when he was spotted driving his yellow Corvette erratically on Tenth Ave. near 32nd street. Cops breathalyzed him (ironically, right in front of the “Savory and Sweet” catering company), and the prince of pastry blew a .108, above the legal limit of .08.
He earned himself a trip downtown, and will be arraigned today.
This is actually not Valastro’s first embarrassing encounter with police. Just this summer, police and firefighters had to assist Valastro and his family when their boat “Killin’ It” got stranded in some fog.
Killing it, he is not.
[via Page Six]
Pregnant Woman Begs For Money, Then Drives Away in a Benz
Date: 11/11/2014
Location: San Diego, Calif.
Crime: Deceit
Ratchet Meter: 7
Needing to panhandle in order to get by is a harsh reality for too many people in the United States, which makes the actions of one California woman even more despicable. A recent report from a local San Diego news station tells that story, though, and in the worst way, too: A pregnant woman, who conned shopping center customers into giving her money, before driving away in a Mercedes Benz E320. She even stooped low enough to use a small child as a prop, in order to get more money from unknowing good samaritans.
Now, we're (almost) always here for people getting their paper, but this is low. The people donating money had no way of knowing that this was a low-level scam and that the woman was perpetrating it in a variety of settings before returning to her alleged $2,400-a-month apartment in Encinitas. So, congratulations, lady: You win today's Worst Human of the Year nomination. Check out the video above for more on this one.
Washington Police Shoot 911 Caller After Mistaking Him for Fugitive
Date: 10/31/2014
Location: Vancouver, Wash.
Crime: N/A
Ratchet Meter: 4
Police in Washington responding to a 911 call about a fugitive ended up accidentally shooting the caller—not the suspect.
USA Today reports that police in Vancouver, Wash. received a call from a man on Oct. 31 saying that he had seen the fugitive, John Kendall. However, when they arrived at the scene, they opened fire at the man they assumed was Kendall because he matched the description and made what they called suspicious movements. What they didn't know was that it was the man who had called 911.
In a statement, Vancouver Police Department explained their actions:
Fearing that he armed himself, law enforcement fired multiple shots at the individual in order to stop the perceived threat before the citizen could enter the woods.
According to USA Today, the man (who requested anonymity) sustained a gunshot wound to the leg. The man, who happened to be armed, returned fire out of fear and called 911 once again to report that he had been shot. This is how police eventually learned that they had shot the wrong man.
Police rushed over to the man and rushed him to the hospital for medical attention. Meanwhile, the 59-year-old Kendall's body was discovered in the area shortly after, the victim of what police determined to be a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
[via USA Today]
For Whatever Reason, a Florida Man Tried to Steal a Chainsaw By Shoving It Down His Pants
Date: 10/28/2014
Location: Port St. Lucie, Fla.
Crime: Grand theft
Ratchet Meter: 8
Strange things happen regularly in the state of Florida, so a man who was arrested for shoving a chainsaw down his pants probably seems normal.
According to TCPalm.com, Anthony Ballard, 28, tried to steal the chainsaw from Treasure Coast Lawn Equipment in Port St. Lucie, Fla. on Oct. 28. After requesting a $1 in change, he can be seen on surveillance video placing the $600 chainsaw in his pants and covering it up with his shirt.
Treasure Coast Lawn Equipment employees gave chase, but Ballard escaped on a bicycle, throwing the saw away in the process. However, he was later apprehended after returning to the wooded area where he disposed of the chainsaw to search for the device. Ballard told police his conscience got the best of him and he planned to return it.
Ballard faces grand theft charges.
[via TCPalm]
A High School Spanish Teacher Got Drunk, Peed His Pants, and Attacked a Student
Date: 11/10/2014
Location: Southington, Conn.
Crime: N/A
Ratchet Meter: 7
A high school Spanish teacher allegedly struck out three times last week. First he showed up to Connecticut's Southington High School visibly drunk. Then he pissed his pants in front of students. And for his grand finale he assaulted one of the many students filming his drunk shenanigans.
What happened from there isn't exactly clear. The name of the teacher hasn't been released, and school officials haven't announced any punishment yet. He was, however, removed from the classroom in handcuffs by someone other than the police, which only partially explains why no charges have been filed.
A note sent home to parents provided little information, saying, “As this is a personnel issue, the details cannot be discussed, but you can be assured that we will take all steps to provide a safe and productive learning environment for all students.”
We're still waiting for one of the students to take the steps to get the video on the Internet. This is 2014; how hasn't this happened already?
[via Gawker]
Man Arrested After Stabbing Neighbors Following Ridiculous Argument Over Dog Feces
Date: 11/9/2014
Location: Springfield, Mass.
Crime: Armed assault with intent to murder, mayhem, and assault and battery by a dangerous weapon
Ratchet Meter: 6
A Massachusetts man was arrested for stabbing two neighbors following a disagreement over dog feces that got way past words.
According to WTNH, Michael Valentin, 33, was arrested yesterday in Springfield, Mass. for stabbing a 46-year-old woman and her 23-year-old daughter, who reside in a multi-family home with him. WTNH reports that Valentin was upset that the women allowed their dogs to shit on the side yard and stairs in the home's rear.
The older woman is reportedly in stable condition after being stabbed in the back. Her daughter is in good condition after suffering stab wounds to her neck and face.
Valentin was charged with armed assault with intent to murder, mayhem, and assault and battery by a dangerous weapon.
[via WTNH]
Proof That Trying to Trade $3 and Chicken for Sex Will Only Get You Arrested
Date: 11/6/2014
Location: Sanford, Fla.
Crime: Prostitution
Ratchet Meter: 4
A Florida man was busted during a prostitution sting this week for attempting to trade fried chicken and a few crumpled-up dollars for sex, because he mistakenly believed that would entice someone.
The Smoking Gun reports that the Sanford Police Department arrested seven men during the sting operation on Thursday, including 36-year-old Steven Torres. According to the Smoking Gun, Torres proposed what he apparently thought was an offer the undercover female officer couldn't refuse: $3 and some chicken in exchange for sex.
Following his pathetic pitch, the officer signaled for her colleagues to take Torres down, arresting him on prostitution charges.
Good luck living this one down, buddy.
[via The Smoking Gun]
