Image via Complex Original
The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.
This week's roundup includes smuggling liquid cocaine disguised as rum, breaking into a house to choke a barking dog, and hitting a pregnant woman with a chicken sandwich. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.
Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].
And for your viewing pleasure, here's the Ratchet News Network with The Kid Mero:
RNN: Ratchet News Network
It Only Took 30 Minutes for This Car Thief to End Up Behind Bars Again
Date: 12/3/2014
Location: Colixfax, Wash.
Crime: Auto theft, attempting to elude, possession of stolen property, and more
Ratchet Meter: 4
A Washington man was arrested earlier this week for stealing a car 30 minutes after being released from jail, following a five-month stay for car theft.
The Smoking Gun reports that 21-year-old Kyle Matthews was released from Whitman County Jail on Wednesday and strolled over to a Colifax, Wash. supermarket. He proceeded to enter a running vehicle and flee the scene in it. When responding police stopped him, he fled on foot, but was apprehended by a state trooper.
Matthews was charged with auto theft, attempting to elude, possession of stolen property, and more. Worse (well, better, actually), he's right back in the facility he called home for the past five months.
[via The Smoking Gun]
No Breathalyzer Was Needed to Tell a Cop How Drunk This Woman Was
Date: 12/4/2014
Location: North Ridgeville, Ohio
Crime: Drunk driving and unsafe vehicle charges
Ratchet Meter: 4
An extremely intoxicated woman reportedly delivered an unforgettable line to police officers after they pulled her over in Ohio last week.
The Smoking Gun reports that 24-year-old Jessica Sorenson was stopped in North Ridgeville, Ohio early Saturday morning after her front right tire tore “completely off the rim,” resulting in “gouge marks” left on the road. Officer Matthew Downing could tell that Sorenson was under the influence, so he asked her how much she had to drink. Her response?
“Gobble gobble turkey.”
Deciding that further questioning was a waste of time and armed with all of the information he needed, Downing arrested Sorenson on drunk driving and unsafe vehicle charges.
[via The Smoking Gun]
Woman Arrested After Dousing Husband's Heart Pills with Bug Spray
Date: 12/8/2014
Location: Brooklyn Park, Md.
Crime: Assault, reckless endangerment, and poisoning
Ratchet Meter: 5
A Maryland woman was arrested earlier this week for allegedly dousing her husband's heart pills with bug spray following an argument.
According to the Associated Press, police in Anne Arundel County say 39-year-old Sandra Jeane Skyrczuk got into an argument with her husband at their Brooklyn Park, Md., home on Monday night. The man reportedly went to a relative's house to blow off steam. Authorities say that he was about to take one of his pills upon returning, but he noticed that some foreign substance was making them stick together. Eventually, he identified the odor coming from the bottle: bug spray.
Police were contacted, and the Associated Press adds that they found one of the man's pills in Skyrczuk's pocket. She faces charges for assault, reckless endangerment, and poisoning.
[via Associated Press]
Woman Arrested for Trying to Smuggle Cocaine Hidden Inside of Custard Packages
Date: 11/21/2014
Location: JFK International Airport
Crime: Federal drug smuggling
Ratchet Meter: 6
A woman was caught trying to smuggle cocaine hidden inside of packets of custard and milk powder at JFK International Airport in New York City last month, authorities say.
The Associated Press reports that a K-9 dog tipped U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents off to the suspicious suitcase back on Nov. 21. It belonged to an unidentified woman who was returning to the U.S. from Guayana. Her luggage contained three packages of custard and milk powder each; the substance inside was confirmed as cocaine following tests.
According to the Associated Press, the woman currently faces federal drug smuggling charges. This happens far too often.
[via Associated Press]
Florida Man's Reason for Fapping in Front Yard Is Hilarious
Date: 11/14/2014
Location: Stuart, Fla
Crime: Exposure of sexual organs
Ratchet Meter: 8
A Florida man arrested last month for masturbating in his front yard was only following his mother's orders not to watch porn in the house.
According to TCPalm, 21-year-old Anthony Smith was arrested in Stuart, Fla. on Nov. 14 after Martin County sheriff's deputies received a report about a man who was not only naked, but nonchalantly playing with himself. A lieutenant arrived to find Smith naked and crouching in his driveway, and when Smith realized he had company, he reportedly ran inside to get dressed.
When asked why he has fapping in his front yard, Smith explained that his mom forbids the viewing of pornography in her home. Furthermore, he revealed that the thrill of being naked in public and possibly getting caught gives him a “high.”
That “high” got him arrested and charged with exposure of sexual organs.
[via TCPalm]
Maryland High Schooler Arrested After Giving Teacher Weed Brownie
Date: 12/8/2014
Location: Annapolis, Md.
Crime: Drug charges, reckless endangerment and assault
Ratchet Meter: 3
A high school student in Maryland is under fire after giving a teacher a pot brownie which ultimately resulted in the woman's hospitalization.
The Smoking Gun reports that the woman, a teacher at Broadneck High School in Annapolis, Md., became ill on Monday afternoon. She reportedly told authorities that she was given a brownie by a student, and, as a result of her condition, suspected that it contained marijuana.
Authorities approached the unidentified 16-year-old, who confessed to giving both the teacher and his girlfriend part of a weed brownie. The Smoking Gun notes that his girlfriend was seen “acting lethargic.” However, the teen said he did not give the teacher the brownie out of malice:
The student, who was not identified by police, said that when the teacher asked him for a piece of the brownie, he got scared and panicked” and “didn’t mention it contained marijuana.
The teacher was treated and released from a local hospital; the student, meanwhile, was charged for reckless endangerment and assault, in addition to the obvious drug charges.
[via The Smoking Gun]
Strange Dispute Over Boyfriend, Sex Toy Prompts Florida Woman to Attack Twin Sister
Date: 12/7/2014
Location: Ellenton, Fla.
Crime: Domestic battery
Ratchet Meter: 7
A Florida woman was arrested over the weekend for attacking her twin sister during a dispute over a battery-operated boyfriend and an actual one.
The Smoking Gun reports that 48-year-old Heidi Creamer (yes, that's her real name) of Ellenton, Fla. punched her twin sister, Holly, in the face and scratched the woman in a bizarre dispute on Sunday afternoon. Responding police officers arrived to find Heidi locked outside of the apartment she shares with her sister and boyfriend, “screaming and [shaking]” while attempting to escape police custody.
After finally being placed in the back of a police cruiser, Heidi Creamer explained that she and her sister were fighting over her boyfriend and a vibrator. She was charged with domestic battery and taken to Manatee County Jail.
Lesson: Sharing too many things can be the catalyst for an ugly situation.
[via The Smoking Gun]
