Image via Complex Original
Unfortunately, for so many women, every day they step outside is considered an invitation by some men to speak to them as if they've only discovered women and erections seconds prior. Even worse is the new reality that these same parasites have since carried over their thirsty ways to social media-- spurring so many women to shout out "Can I live?" in horror. Though I can't do the Lord's work, (i.e. instantly make the penises of the guilty parties fall off) I can at the very least inform you folks how not to hit on someone online. Grab your sippy cups and settle down. I'm here to help. You're welcome.
Michael Arceneaux is from the land of Beyoncé, but now lives in the city of Master Splinter. Follow him at @youngsinick.
Accept Defeat Graciously
Not everyone is going to appreciate you telling them that they have "child bearing hips" and your desire to "eat them like a wonton." Men in particular don't seem to take defeat well. Still, learn to accept it like a champ and maybe work on your game? Yes, the answer is yes. Go away now.
Stop Poking
"Poking" on Facebook was cool around the time you needed a college email to join the site. No one looks at that crap anymore, so at this point, poking ain't gonna get you poked or help you poke someone else. Let it die, y'all.
Space It Out
Do not repeatedly hit up/hit on anyone over and over again throughout the entire day, every day of the week. Even God allegedly took a day off. Mary J. Blige once sang "Don't rush, baby, the loving ain't going no where. Slow it down." Heed MJB's words of wisdom before you end up the subject of all her other "you ain't shit" focused songs.
Stop Showing Your Dick
There are some pretty widely acceptable ways of greeting someone you're interested in. Say, "Hello," "Hi," "What up, though," "Hey," and "Good morning, afternoon, evening." Then maybe you can follow with a "How are you?" These are all pretty standard and not remotely aggressive. You know what's the total antithesis of all of this? Immediately sending someone a shot of your dick. Your dick should not be the greeting as it'll likely spur a prompt goodbye.
Lesbians Don't Want Your Dick, Dude
For the slow people in the back of the room, if a woman is a lesbian she's not interested in your dick, how big it is, or whatever sexual magic you think it has. Why? Because she likes vagina, fool. Women, some of you are guilty of this with gay men, too. I don't know if you're inspired by Liza Minnelli and Star Jones (allegedly), but your box ain't the Hocus Pocus either.
Be Easy
If you're holding your dick while trying to hit on someone you don't know and have had no interaction with, chances are she's probably not trying to read you talk about biting her tits. What is wrong with you people?
Don't Ask A Stranger For Nudes
How would you like it if someone walked up to you and said, "Aye, lemme see your dick?" If your answer is "I'd whip it out on sight" fair enough, but more times than not, you'll find everyone else has their pervert setting much lower.
Keep The Compliments PG Initially
Most folks don't use dating apps to explore their vow of celibacy, but even so, if the tone of your compliment recalls the theme of Black Jesus' "What That Thang Smell Like," you gotta chill the fuck out. Now if y'all are the sexting type, do what you do, but only if it's a two way street. Otherwise, you need to settle down before someone calls Olivia Benson on your ass.
Creepin' In The DMs
Here's the thing about using the Twitter to get a date: it's perfectly fine, but like your blood alcohol levels when driving, have limitations. After you and the other person follow each other, should you decide to try your luck via DM, best of luck to you. However, don't invade that space with entitlement. Akin to when a woman acknowledges you on the street, that's not an invitation to be all up in her George Foreman. Tuck your creep in. P.S. Pro tip: Spell check loves you if no one else does.
