What Your Emojis Say About You

I used to be the type of person who, when he saw an emoji in a text convo, would say, "Have I died and gone back to seventh grade? If so, what's the one that means, 'Do you like me? Yes? No? Circle one?'" After a while, I discovered the original incarnation of BBM and realized I'm far too young to be so "Get off my lawn." I use emojis regularly now, and with many people. And over time, I've come to form thoughts on what select emojis say about the other person. Like mere minutes ago. Don't worry, don't worry: I got this. Here's a breakdown of what your emojis say about you. If you're offended, I'll be sure to look on Twitter via a web browser. That way, I won't be able to clock your shade. Enjoy. [Insert bastard grinning emoji here.]

RELATED: 15 Emojis We Wish Existed

Analysis: The person who uses this emoji a lot seems like the happy sort, but in reality, they're only that way because of the aid of antidepressants. They're not truly happy. Like c'mon nah, who smiles like that for real?

Best Used When: Feigning happiness

Analysis: The type of person who uses the poop emoji is the kind of nasty individual who will tell you when they're tweeting, texting, or speaking on the phone while defecating. They'll probably Instagram themselves on the toilet and find it clever or charming. Make no mistake: This is the kind of person worth hating. Forget what religion says on this matter, hate them. With all your might.

Best Used When: Never

Analysis: Don't fall in love with this person. Sarcasm and shade will abound, you will be sucked in, and one day you'll find yourself sipping a glass of red and/or brown, texting around for green and wondering why you wasted so many years of your life with this person. Or so I've heard.

Best Used When: Post-shade and sarcasm

Analysis: This is the kind of person who will leave you hanging if someone tries to jump you in the club. Maybe they'll call the police, but it'll be from outside and possibly from their car after they safely made it home.

Best Used When: Scared

Analysis: I feel like this is Drake's favorite emoji and the one he uses the most when trying to save a random, thick-thighed stripper he met at Treasures or Dreams (Gentleman's Club) in Houston. I use it whenever I order a spicy chicken strips dinner with red beans and rice with an extra biscuit. Whatever, love is love and the one who uses this emoji a lot believes in sharing it.

Best Used When: Spreading the love

Analysis: The only kind of folks I know who use this emoji are the ones who can't take a joke, or at the very least, one of my jokes. Screw them and all those like them. Unless you don't mean it that way. Otherwise, you're good.

Best Used When: When you feel some type of way

Analysis: For people who want to convey affection and an affinity without seeming parched like the 40-year-old virgin standing next to Rihanna, this is a good way of going about it. It shows that you're kind of cool with sharing your feelings, but ye ain't about to act all crazy about it either. I use this emoji often enough, therefore, I have nothing but praise to give.

Best Used When: Flirting

Analysis: I didn't know this emoji existed until this morning, so I assume hipsters use it because it's obscure, looks bummy, and gives "I care about my appearance, but not too much, which is why my stubble is showing." Either that or it's a serial killer emoji. Whichever you prefer.

Best Used When: When showing how "different" you are

Analysis: This emoji has its tongue out and looks as though it's in the same position at least four days out of the week. So whoever uses this a lot is probably like Miley Cyrus. Take that however you want.

Best Used When: When seeking attention

Analysis: If Chris Brown's rage could be immortalized in an emoji, it wouldn't take a lot of work, as this image shows we already have his yellow face frowning. If you or anyone you love see anyone that reminds you of this one, back, back, back, back, give 'em 50 feet.

Best Used When: Raging