"Catfish" Explains the Connection Between Evil Behavior and Free iPhones (Season 2, Episode 12)

This week’s edition of Catfish was themed around lies, lunacy, and lesbians. A down-on-her-luck high school student appeared to find love in a hopeless place, but was ultimately revealed to have fallen for the okie doke and lost hundreds of dollars in the process. As many of you must've been feeling during episode 11, I wanted to reach through the TV, shake the simp out of Aaliyah and shout, “You are being played like UNO, sis!” Well, I hope many of you wanted to do that. Each one, teach one or something.

Written by Michael Arceneaux (@youngsinick)

Immediately into the telecast, you can’t help but feel sorry for Aaliyah, an Oakland native looking for love and a place to sleep that doesn’t come with a loveseat. After her mother was evicted from their home, she started couch crashing with friends. The only comfort during this bad situation was her online relationship with Alicia.

Still, simping has its limits and it ought to start with the realization that you can’t “date” someone for 10 months without having physically seen them. Mind you, Alicia only lives 70 blocks away from Aaliyah. That’s not your girlfriend, Aaliyah; that’s your pen pal. Bless Aaliyah’s heart, though, because she writes to Max and Nev that Alicia is the first person she’s ever fallen in love with. You say potato and I say infatuations that helped you escape from your current predicament. Aaliyah explains to Max and Nev that Alicia isn’t out, which is part of the reason why she won’t meet her.

At this point of the episode, I wondered whether or not I should stop talking about a high school student working at a non-profit over fears that a lightning bolt would fall on my big head. Those fears were eased as Aaliyah spoke. Yeah, this story sounds fishy and I was left with no choice but to break out the Crystal’s Hot Sauce.

As Max and Nev greet Aaliyah, we learn more about how her mother was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, which left her disabled and working with a very limited income. Not long after, Aaliyah was diagnosed with attention deficit disorder and needed better schooling, the cost of which led to their family being evicted from their home. You want to PayPal Aaliyah a few dollars until you hear her talk about her first argument with her virtual girlfriend.

Alicia wanted Aaliyah to buy her a phone, and like a classic user, guilt tripped her into buying her an iPhone. She must be a master at this, as Aaliyah adds that since they’ve been dating with no actual dates, she’s sent Alicia $600. You don’t have a place to live because your disabled mom is trying to help you cope with a learning disability, but you send money to a girl who won’t bother to get on the bus and slob you down in love and appreciation? What in the hell is wrong with this child? You trick on your mother first and foremost, then your pieces.

As Max and Nev dive into Alicia’s life, they quickly discover that Alicia has dated men. Of course, there’s this thing called bisexuality that might that, but Max and Nev get all after-school-special in their synopsis, classifying her current predicament as a “love story waiting to happen.” Love stories don’t start off with, “I met this down on her luck sweet sucker online and got her to trick on me without even showing my thighs in person.” Allyi, Alicia’s sister, confirms this when she quickly points out that Alicia doesn’t have a job. She also adds that she’s had a boyfriend for about a year, but again, Max and Nev try to make fetch happen with the notion that Alicia is a caged bird just waiting to be let out and sing. Oh, she’s a bird all right, just not the kind those two are thinking of.

When Max and Nev try to explain the truth to Aaliyah, she fights it, saying of Alicia’s sister, “How do you guys know that she’s telling the truth?” Um, because she’s the one that’s seen the person you think you know (but you have no idea), girl. She goes on to note that the two talk all day, but that’s because she doesn’t have a job. What else is she going to do? Are you paying attention in those classes your mama is going for broke paying for, Aaliyah?

Normally, when Internet lovers meet for the first time in person and notice that their faces match the pictures previously viewed on a mobile phone, they dabble in human interaction. Say, a hug, a kiss, a handshake or dap—something. Alicia did none of that, though she did shoot Aaliyah a look of contempt before saying, “All I have to say, girl, [is] if I wanted to meet you, we stay in the same city. I would have made that happened.” Still confused, Aaliyah says, “So, you don’t want to meet me?” Alicia, looking at her stupid, smirks and says, “No.” (Earlier she had smiled when she told Aaliyah that she had a boyfriend before saying, “It’s nothing with you.”)

Max and Nev feign obliviousness and naïveté when it comes to how increasingly cruel people prove can be. But they can't have been surprised at how Alicia gleefully reveled in evil behavior. Alicia tells her, “I gave you what you wanted” before explaining to Nev that she got what she wanted, too—that is, her stuff.

Listen, she flips her hair as if she were dancing background for Beyoncé when she says it. Even worse is when Aaliyah asks, “What about your job?” and Alicia responds, “You was my job.” You know, give peace a chance and all that, but if Aaliyah had decided to Chun-Li kick Alicia in the throat, I would not have faulted her.

Nev stay to talk with Alicia, but all she does is smugly acknowledge she scams people online and that she doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings but her on. Max tries to get her to acknowledge that she cares about Aaliyah in some capacity. Whatever, she’s still evil.

In round two of the Aaliyah and Alicia meet and greet, Alicia says she's sorry “if I led you on into thinking that I was in a relationship with you.” Unless you’re quoting Janet Jackson, the word "if" doesn’t belong in your vocabulary, Alicia. You did lead her on and real apologies don’t duck the transgression. She was at least forthright about not being a lesbian and never having any real plans to date her. Alicia adds that the friendship portion of their relationship was real, but everything else was fake. And—so generous with her kindness—Alicianotes that she didn’t ask for things, Aaliyah offered.

You know, Aaliyah, your mother loves you and needs a lot right now. Maybe in the future you can pass some of that money to her instead of keyboard and keypad fake girlfriends. She's young, so in the future she’ll use social media better in the future, go to gay clubs and find a girl who's willing to love her and move in with her for real in less than five minutes. Until then, Aaliyah, give your mama some money.

P.S. Aaliyah let Alicia keep the iPhone. Evil wins again.