Love Shutdown: The 10 Worst Ways To Pick Up Women

Opportunities like the one in the new comedy Hall Pass don’t come around very often in real life, if ever. The Farrelly Brothers’ (Dumb And Dumber, There’s Something About Mary) latest raunchfest stars Owen Wilson as Rick, a bored married man whose wife (Jenna Fischer) presents an epic scenario: He can fornicate with any woman he wants over the course of a week. Of course he accepts; there’d be no movie if didn’t, only a despicable man we’d want to pimp-slap. Rick, along with his best friend Fred (Saturday Night Live favorite Jason Sudeikis), proceeds to test his panty-dropping magic in a variety of places, including nightclubs and an Applebees. Being a Farrelly Brothers movie, Hall Pass has more fun with miserable failure than to-the-bedroom victory, mining some embarrassing flirtations for belly laughs. Movies in general (not just comedies) have a deep catalog of mishandled courtships, which leads us to the following tutorial for any and all single men: The 10 Worst Ways to Pick Up Women, assembled from the shattered egos of past film characters. Read on and don’t become another lonely statistic.

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Learned from: Tommy Boy (1995)

Complex says: The second a guy signs up for a gym membership, there’s only one thing on his mind: After a few months here, I’ll be banging chicks left and right! There’s nothing wrong with that, since most people, females included, are superficial (not that we’re bitter or anything). Dedicate some hard time inside the weight room and you’ll have earned both immense self-respect and the adoration of swimsuit-calendar-worthy hotties; hit the gym once and then turn back to strict cheeseburger diets, however, and you’ll be forced to once again woo ladies with your natural charms (yikes). As the late, and great, Chris Farley learns in the above clip, gorgeous broads can see right through you.

Learned from: Sex Drive (2008)

Complex says: Persistence is admirable, but foolish repetition? It doesn’t get much worse than that. For example, check out the slept-on comedy Sex Drive’s Andy and Randy, two young Jeff Spiccoli-wannabes devoid of any shame or discernable game. Their sophomoric and foul pickup lines assault women with a machine gun’s verve, pushing them into a tier of failed daters that no guy wants to enter: Losers that man want to snuff in the face just as much as the women they’re annoying.

Learned from: Napoleon Dynamite (2004)

Complex says: When it comes to attracting the ladies, artistic talents are no doubt instant eye-catchers. Draw an elegant and flattering portrait of a woman and she’ll hang it up in her crib, potentially by the bed she’ll then invite you into. But if your sketching abilities rival those of a five-year-old blind kid, find a different way to impress her. Otherwise, you could end up like Napoleon Dynamite and draft up a freakishly disturbing image, like the one above. Unless she’s Goth, or a fan of those old Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark books, you won’t have a chance in hell.

Learned from: Swingers (1996)

Complex says: Some people think that simply adding a phone number into your Blackberry’s address book qualifies as a successful pick-up attempt, but not us. For one, the female bar-crawler could’ve given one of those infuriating wrong numbers. Assuming you’ve been spared such humiliation, though, the next step, calling her, is even more important. Just because you’ve scored a girl’s digits, that doesn’t mean the deal’s been sealed. To keep yourself in the game, don’t ramble on like a timid 13-year-old while leaving her a voicemail, like Jon Favreau does in this painfully awkward scene from Swingers. Not only will the cold-hearted dame never call back, she’ll probably save the voicemail and play it for all of her lady-friends. Meaning, you’ll have to move to a different area code.

Learned from: Can't Hardly Wait (1998)

Complex says: Credibility is just as important within the dating world as it is in hip-hop. So where’s the good sense in fronting like a studio gangster around the ladies? Just look at poor Kenny (Seth Green), the street-talking, baggy-gear-wearing suburban clown in Can’t Hardly Wait. Talking all kinds of ridiculous jive, he strikes out more than Ryan Howard; his only success comes with a desperate, heartbroken chick who’d sleep with a mannequin if it winked at her. And really, where’s the fun in that?

Learned from: Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy (2004)

Complex says: The cologne sections in department stores are pretty intimidating, cluttered with dozens of competing fragrances that no man could possibly smell in one visit without screwing up his olfactory system and getting a woozy buzz. For many guys, the countless scent options causes them to rely upon one or two choice types, riding them out until some girl comments on his once appealing but now predictable aroma. Sampling new bottles is fine, but learn from field reporter Brian Fantana (Paul Rudd) and stay away from any with 60% approval ratings, gratuitous names such as Sex Panther, or aggressive scents that could be described as "a used diaper filled with Indian food" by the object of your desire.

Learned from: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)

Complex says: Never underestimate the power of smooth talk. The most busted-looking, gangly of men can, at the very least, gain a woman’s sustained attention with a few strategically chosen words and a display of engaging conversational skills. She’ll probably still have you buy her a drink and then dip, but that’s better than talking to yourself all day. The flipside of sophisticated chatter is what this dude in the entertainingly bad Shark Attack 3: Megalodon does, which is rashly cut to the chase. In the movie, his line actually works, but we’re talking about a movie in which sharks inexplicably make fart noises here.

Learned from: Leaving Las Vegas (1995)

Complex says: Amongst other grievances to hip-hop, Positive K steered men wrong with his 1992 single “I Got A Man.” In his lone solo hit, for history-avoiding youngsters who think rap started with Puffy’s No Way Out, the Positive one keeps pursuing a lady even as she repeatedly tells him that she’s taken. The whole “What’s her man got to do with me?” argument is BS; you'd certainly be pissed off if some lame dude incessantly hit on your chick. And what’d be even worse than that? If the guy was pissy drunk, which would open the floor up for all kinds of disrespect. Don’t be the guy you’d want to beat the snot out of if the roles were reversed. Bro Code goes a long way, fellas.

Learned from: Grandma’s Boy (2006)

Complex says: It’s hard to imagine this sort of G-spitting working on Mars, let alone our planet Earth. One of the funniest elements in the so-dumb-it's-amazing flick Grandma’s Boy is uber-nerd J.P. (Joel David Moore), a video game savant who fancies himself as an all-powerful robot. Of course, everyone else thinks he’s a power-tool, and, in the eyes of ladies, he's—to quote Jonah Hill in Superbad—"the anti-poon.” You can apply J.P.’s awful robot schtick to any other kind of geek obsession. Whether you brag about high scores in Dungeons & Dragons in front of chicks that autographed picture of George Lucas in front of chicks, broadcasting your inner Poindexter is more often than not self-sabotage.

Learned from: Tootsie (1982)

Complex says: It’s no mystery that many women love the sensitive type, a guy who’ll listen to their woes and reveal vulnerability himself. In the Academy Award-nominated comedy Tootsie, Dustin Hoffman’s character, a cross-dressing soap opera star, gets a drink thrown in his face after he tries to pick up one of his co-stars (Jessica Lange). Rather than try again, Hoff resorts to a Hail Mary play: He tries to seduce her while he’s dressed in women’s clothing, a red wig, and pounds of makeup. If a failed courtship ever gets to that point, just call it quits, or visit the nearest barely lit urban street corner after hours. We hear the action is much easier there.