Captain Wack: 10 Ways Johnny Depp Can Get His Swag Back

Every great business partnership runs its course—that’s just the way it goes. In the case of Johnny Depp’s long-running camaraderie with eccentric writer-director Tim Burton, the finish line seems about twenty miles behind them.

By our estimation, the Depp/Burton show lost its appeal way back in 1999, when Sleepy Hollow came out, did its thing, and impressed us just enough to let the predictability slide. Twelve years later, though, we can no longer turn the other cheek. Now, the prospect of a new collaboration between these two induces a tryptophan-in-turkey effect. And last year’s overblown and boring Alice In Wonderland was the last straw.

Unsurprisingly, Depp and Burton are already underway with their eighth team-up, a big screen reboot of the late 1960s’ vampires and monsters soap opera Dark Shadows. It’s so obviously the kind of movie we’d expect these guys to make together—dark, gothic, but not so scary that it can’t attract wide audiences.

Before they announce that Depp will play Herman Munster in front of Burton’s camera, we have three words: Stop working together. And that leads us to our next suggestion…

Just because we’re completely over the whole Depp/Burton thing, that doesn’t mean JD shouldn’t strike up a similar working relationship with someone else. On the contrary—we highly suggest it. At this stage in his career, Depp seems to be going through the creative motions, so some new and vibrant artistic chemistry might just be what he needs.

Depp shouldn’t settle for anything less than the best, though; yes, we referred to him as “Captain Wack” here, but that’s out of frustration more than cynicism. The bottom line is that he’s still one of the best actors working today; his next filmmaker muse needs to be able to keep up. God forbid he links up with, say, Brett Ratner. We’d turn our Edward Scissorhands DVD into a weed plate with haste.

Our proposal: His agents need to give Darren Aronofsky a call. The recent Academy Award nominee (for the phenomenal Black Swan) has everything Depp’s unique talents require; he’s beloved by critics, he always chooses dark character studies that are left of center (Requiem For A Dream, The Wrestler), and name performers trust him enough to put themselves on the line for one his movies (i.e., Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman’s steamy love scene in Black Swan).

Entertain us here for a second, OK? Obviously, there’s more of a chance of us catching Kobe Bryant in the stands during the NBA Finals than seeing Johnny Depp become Steve Carell’s replacement on the hit NBC show. For one, working on The Office would most likely require Depp to relocate away from his secret fortress in France. And, two, he’s Johnny fuckin’ Depp—he doesn’t do sitcoms.

Having said all of that, we’re still confident that, if he were to grant The Office with arguably the biggest cast coup in primetime network history (What’s an Ashton Kutcher?), Depp would be a shoe-in for some Emmy nominations.

The storyline possibilities are endless: Dundler Mifflin’s ladies (such as Ellie Kemper) could fight over the new boss’ attention, Dwight Schrute (Rainn Wilson) would have a formidable target for his megalomania, and Jim Halpert (John Krasinski) would feel threatened by his wife’s newfound male obsession and quit. Dude is the show’s weakest link, anyway.

Let’s call this the “Ben Affleck Method of Career Rejuvenation.” Remember when Benny Boy was starring in piece-of-dung flicks like Daredevil, Gigli, and Surviving Christmas? You should—it was only six years ago. But right when film-loving naysayers were about to shower him with irreparable scorn, Affleck quietly changed his game, directing the stellar 2007 drama Gone Baby Gone, and then last year’s nearly-as-great Boston heist flick The Town. And just like that, he’s gone from tool to cool.

Not that any of Depp’s recent movies have been as wretched as any of those aforementioned Affleck monstrosities, though. But he’s slowly heading in that direction. Transitioning into a steady directing role wouldn’t be all that difficult for Depp; he actually shot a movie that premiered at the Cannes Film Festival back in 1997, called The Brave, in which he co-starred with the almighty Marlon Brando.

It’s about time that Depp steps back into that ring. He could even get tips from Martin Scorsese; Depp served as producer of Uncle Marty’s next flick, Hugo Cabret, so they’re presumably tight. Shit, as long as his mentor is anyone other than Tim Burton, we’re straight.

Even though the movie itself wasn’t a total knockout, Johnny Depp’s performance as John Dillinger in 2009’s Public Enemies reminded us that he’s still able to deliver powerhouse acting. As we combed through his past works, it dawned on us that two of our favorite Johnny Depp movies are biopics of obscure yet fascinating criminal types: Donnie Brasco (1997), about an FBI Agent who worked his way into a crime syndicate, and Blow (2001), the story of cocaine smuggler George Jung.

Granted, we’re always partial to some true crime cinema, but there’s no denying that Depp is a virtuoso in both films. These days, kids love him for the Pirates movies and chicks dig him just because he’s Johnny Depp, but guys like us are left thinking it’s time to kick him out of our “favorite actors” circle. Finding another random law-breaker from our nation’s history and kicking the role’s ass would easily rectify that.

When he wants to be, Depp can be pretty damn funny. His irreverent line delivery and comedic timing were the only things that kept our asses in the seats while seeing the first two Pirates Of The Caribbean movies in theaters. And, on a much smaller scale, he’s proven his quirky sense of humor in dark comedies like 1994’s Ed Wood and 1998’s Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas.

Though he might not seem like an obvious choice for such a tone, we’d love to see Depp take on a comedy of Cyrus proportions; meaning, independently financed, more cerebral than boisterous, and artsy enough to not earn him any “sellout” attacks.

Just think of how fresh it’d be to see Depp in a lo-fi buddy comedy with John C. Reilly, who’s the undisputed king of no-budget laugh-fests. Here’s the pitch: Depp plays a womanizing and wisecracking alcoholic who has to go on a weekend retreat with his nebbish AA sponsor, played by Reilly. That’d shut down Sundance faster than news of Robert Redford-spawned secret love child. Sorry, Arnold.

In 2008, news broke that Depp had attached himself as producer and potential star of Rex Mundi, a rather badass-sounding comic book adaptation. Backed by Dark Horse before its final issue dropped in 2009, Rex Mundi spans 38 total issues and centers on a quest for the Holy Grail in fictionalized 1933 Europe. It has tyrannical kings, ruthless popes, dark mysticism, and a central murder mystery that lends a noir-esque feeling to what’s essentially the far less hack-tastic cousin of The Da Vinci Code.

After two years stuck in development hell, the Depp-backed movie incarnation picked up steam last month, when it was announced that the project has new writers on board; now it just needs a director. As we all know, however, dudes as busy as Depp rarely see all of the gestating projects on their itinerary through to post-production; with every new story about his Lone Ranger reboot, and talks of further Pirates Of The Caribbean sequels, the infinitely more intriguing Rex Mundi gets pushed further and further away on the back-burner. Maybe he should ask Tim Burton to.... Wait, we’re not that thirsty.

There’s no denying that the late Heather Ledger was fucking brilliant in the 2008 juggernaut The Dark Knight, but, for us at least, a big part of his performance’s impact was its degree of unexpectedness. Prior to conceiving the most disturbing and evil superhero movie villain of all time, Ledger was known for his pretty boy looks and superior performances in sympathetic roles. The shock of seeing one of Hollywood’s most likeable A-listers raise hell was quite astounding.

Depp strikes us as a similar case. He’s played villainous types before, but they’ve been more classifiable as antiheroes than all-out scum; think Once Upon A Time In Mexico, or the more recent Public Enemies. But something tells us that he’d absolutely slaughter a Hannibal Lecter-type bad guy role, a character who’s scary, manipulative, and tough to ignore.

We’ve actually got the perfect part: the Min Sik Choi character in a bound-to-happen American remake of this year’s wicked South Korean serial killer flick I Saw The Devil. Hop on that shit, lazy Hollywood producers.

We get it—sequels to hit films are guaranteed moneymakers. Shit, if we were in Depp’s shoes, we’d probably sign on to seven more Pirates Of The Caribbean movies even if the studio told us that a chimpanzee had to direct each one. But we’re not in his expensive kicks, so we’re part of the sect that has to suffer while one of our favorite actors endlessly rehashes Jack Sparrow instead of spearheading projects that don’t make us have to choose between indifference and complete disgust.

Depp has already said that he’s open to more Pirates installments, so we’re pretty much fucked. Yet, part of us wishes that he’d burn the Sparrow get-up and demand that Paramount Pictures fund some more adventures for our chameleon dude Rango. Since its March release, the animated pic has raked in $120 million domestically, so it certainly warrants a sequel or two. But most importantly, we loved it.

This idea is a win-win, really; we’d be happy, and Depp could breeze through shameless cash-in jobs while seated in a cozy vocal booth. With the extra time he'd have on his hands, he could focus on cool indie projects....

Not many actors are on Johnny Depp’s international megastar level; one guy who definitely is, though, goes by the name Brad Pitt. And, you know what? Nine times out of ten, we’d choose Pitt over Depp in a “Who’s your favorite actor?” debate.

To understand our rationale, one needs to look no further than Pitt’s filmography in recent years. While Depp has mostly churned out predictable collabs with Tim Burton, not to mention last year’s soulless corporate product The Tourist alongside Angelina Jolie (Mrs. Brad Pitt herself), our man Brad has continued to pick either independent or flat-out unconventional films and excel in every one. Burn After Reading. The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button. Inglourious Basterds. And next week’s The Tree Of Life.

As far as we can tell, Pitt selects movies based on gut feelings and a gnarly fuck-what-the-haters-think sense of A-list freedom. Depp used to think like that, and there’s no reason why he shouldn’t once again.