10 Movies That Should Have Been Video Games

Director: Jonathan Liebesman

Plot synopsis: A troop of nondescript Marines rush to save civilians from an alien invasion before Santa Monica is obliterated.

Ideal console(s): Xbox 360, Playstation 3

Game on: For about ten minutes, Battle: Los Angeles pretends to have an actual plot with legitimate characters. The truth quickly rears its ugly head, however, once the aliens start blowing shit up and awful dialogue spews from the mouths of soldiers no one in the audience could possibly care about. And that’s when it becomes clear that this middling sci-fi action spectacle is good at nothing other than elaborate, effects-heavy scenes of destruction and gunfire.



Enduring the endless barrage of hollow battle sequences while seated in a movie theater is a numbing experience that grows less tolerable as the film’s bloated two-hour running time progresses. Applied only to small screens, though, and requiring joysticks, the search-and-destroy conceit of Battle: Los Angeles would’ve made for a classic first-person shooter—think Halo grounded on planet Earth. The movie’s rancid dialogue would be excusable if spoken by inhuman avatars adhering to your every remote-controlled command, especially the overlong and increasingly idiotic monologues uttered by Aaron Eckhart.



And the best part? We’d be spared the sight of R&B softie Ne-Yo playing “military man” dress-up and trying to look tough. Seriously, who thought it was a good idea to cast your boy in a hard-nosed science fiction adventure, anyway?

Director: Kerry Conran

Plot synopsis: A reporter and a gully pilot work together to stop giant airborne robots from destroying their world.

Ideal console(s): Playstation 2

Game on: Shot entirely on green screen, back when that now-common approach was rather primitive, Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow is an important film in regards to special effects timelines. And, truthfully, the Jude Law/Gwyneth Paltrow/Angelina Jolie vehicle isn’t a bad movie—it’s just all style and little substance. Except for the flesh-and-blood characters, Sky Captain’s world already looks like a pristine video game, so it’s hard not to think it’d be a stronger overall product on bedroom consoles.



Frankly, there haven’t been enough great aerial shooter games throughout the years, and Sky Captain has just the right premise to deliver tons of enthralling pilot capabilities and cool-looking villains. It’s a no-brainer for a gamer franchise, open to a variety of antagonistic creatures, not to mention crossovers: Sky Captain Vs. Godzilla, anyone? Or, better yet, Rampage: The Sky Captain Edition?

Director: Michael Davis

Plot synopsis: A trigger-happy loner protects a smoking hot mother and her newborn baby from two-bit criminals.

Ideal console(s): Xbox 360

Game on: Shoot ‘Em Up had us from the moment Clive Owen banged a naked Monica Bellucci while unloading bullets into all oncoming villains—how can you not love that? But, it’s tough to deny that Shoot ‘Em Up isn’t one for cinema’s history books, or even cult movie lovers’ archives. Shoot ‘Em Up is nowhere near as subversive and defiantly as its filmmakers hoped it’d be; rather, it’s one of those “watch and dig it on cable whenever it’s on” films, and we certainly have enough of those.



Imagine what a company like Rockstar Games could’ve done with its conceit. Shoot ‘Em Up is really just an excuse to endlessly stack one convoluted gunfight on top of another, which puts it in the same filters-off zone as State Of Emergency, albeit with only one protagonist and pistols instead of bare-knuckled fists. As for that loony sex scene? Rockstar would’ve found a way to incorporate that kind of debauchery. We are talking about the same company that allowed users to solicit and then beat up prostitutes in those Grand Theft Auto games, after all.

Director: Ron Underwood

Plot synopsis: Intergalactic nightclub owner Pluto Nash must defend himself against merciless goons hired by a rich guy who wants to buy Nash’s club against the his wishes.

Ideal console(s)): Nintendo 64 and Playstation

Game on: Really, we just wish that The Adventures Of Pluto Nash never made past the screenwriting stage, where it should’ve been hurled into a fireplace and immediately stuck with pokers. But, alas, it exists, so there’s not much else to do than imagine how it’d best be served. The solution: that should’ve been reached back at the turn of the century: Make it a lighthearted role-playing game.



The proprietary angle allows for Sims-like strategizing, while the spacesuits, comical violence, and chases would satiate more enthusiastic gamers. A home entertainment system version of The Adventures Of Pluto Nash would’ve been an interesting hybrid of conventional game tropes, rather than the hopelessly unfunny and painful cinematic non-event it ultimately became.

Director: Wych Kaosayananda

Plot synopsis: Two spies—one male and the other female—continuously try to kill each other before joining forces to take down a common enemy. Which, for viewers, is filmmaking panache of any kind.

Ideal console(s): Nintendo 64, Playstation 2

Game on: Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever is regarded in some circles as the worst movie ever made for good reason. If the almighty lord of awful moviemaking Ed Wood were alive today, even he’d watch this altogether incompetent turd with sheer disbelief and surmounting disgust. Nothing about the film works; the action scenes are boring and poorly staged, the banter between the helpless duo of Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu is uninspired, and the plot meanders in between “ridiculous” and “nonsensical.” So is there anything good about it? Well it’s only 90 minutes long—how’s that for optimism?



As a video game, Ballistic: Ecks Vs. Sever would’ve been full of possibilities. For starters, users could select which character they want to play with, and each would have different storylines. A two-player option could bring them both into the action; to raise the stakes, Player One could shoot Player Two and deplete the other’s energy amount, adding a Double Dragon-esque vulnerability.



Even if the game sucked, one positive review would’ve cast in a better light historically than the film version that takes up valuable space inside DVD bargain bins today.

Director: Roger Christian

Plot synopsis: The hilariously named Johnny Goodboy goes up against the Psyclos aliens in order to save humanity. More importantly, though, the Psyclos enforcers are John Travolta and Forest Whitaker looking like Cowardly Lions dressed up as futuristic Rastafarians.

Game on: Battlefield Earth is so catastrophically bad that even Scientologists would have a hard time defending it. Based on an L. Ron Hubbard (the founder of Scientology) novel, this legendary flop was only made so Hubbard-followers like Travolta could salute their crazy religion’s guru—too bad the rest of the world had to suffer the consequences. That is, the dozen or so people who actually paid money witness the excruciating Battlefield Earth firsthand in theaters.



Would a Battlefield Earth video game brainwash youngsters into signing up for Scientology’s ideology? Not unless the kid is dumb enough to believe the teachings of a science fiction writer posing as a demigod. Conspiracy theories aside, Battlefield Earth’s basic premise is ripe with ray-gun shootouts, spacey power-ups, and evil Psyclos bosses at the end of every level. Naturally, the final stage’s villain would resemble the lovechild of John Travolta and an obese female cat, just to keep celebrity Scientologists happy.

Director: Robert Longo

Plot synopsis: A guy must deliver a data package that’s literally stored in his head before the large amount of information terminates his brain. Viewers undoubtedly feel his depleting brain pain.

Ideal console(s): Super NES

Game on: Pretty much any movie starring Keanu Reeves could work better as a video game. He’s a lifeless entity in front of cameras, so transposing his characters to the electronic universe makes perfect sense. Johnny Mnemonic, though, is a sci-fi movie so simultaneously high-concept and inept that it’d undermine its existence as a feature film no matter who receives top billing.



That lofty premise, though, would make for an exciting pressure cooker of a video game, though. It’d be harder than the original Nintendo’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game; to simulate Mnemonic’s deteriorating brainpower, the game’s levels would be devoid of any power-ups, rendering the tiniest of player mistakes that much more damaging. Game Genies sold separately.

Director: Stephen Sommers

Plot synopsis: The legendary monster slayer heads to an Eastern European village to exterminate Dracula, the Wolfman, and Frankenstein.

Ideal console(s): Xbox, Playstation 2

Game on: To horror fans raised on the old black-and-white Universal monsters movies, Van Helsing is a slap in the face, cursed with a flamboyantly unappealing Dracula, an emo Frankenstein that cries, and a horribly rendered CGI Wolfman. For those who’ve never heard of Lon Chaney Jr. or Boris Karloff, it’s just plain old rotten. The overabundance of digital effects spit upon all that made those classic Uni films so special; if not for the sight of Kate Beckinsale in a skintight leather corset, Van Helsing would be a total washout. And did we mention Frankenstein cries?



Obviously, we hate Van Helsing, but part of the reason is that the material is so loaded with goods. Since Hollywood can’t seem to muster a subtle and practically made creature feature anymore, the wiser move would’ve been to turn the property into Castlevania on ’roids. Grant users the chance to become Abraham Van Helsing and go to supernatural war against horror’s greatest forces, armed with a bow-and-arrow and tasked with dropping Count Dracula’s sexy female underlings. And an imposing Frankenstein’s monster, hold the tears and bitch-fits.

Director: Rob Bowman

Plot synopsis: A gang of human misfits defends themselves against an army of angry fire-breathing dragons.

Ideal console(s): Playstation 2

Game on: It’s the movie that Christian Bale refuses to mention by name in interviews. Along with an equally unfortunate Matthew McConaughey, Bale tried his damndest to keep a straight face throughout the phenomenally dumb Reign Of Fire. With brains turned off and beer on tap, this loud and obnoxious CGI-fest is actually an enjoyable watch; it’s awful, yes, but in the Mystery Science Theater 3000 kind of way that leaves it with a certain undesired charm.



The game potential overflowing in Reign Of Fire should be obvious for dudes who congregate weekly with their girlfriend-less chums to play Dungeons & Dragons. Had Reign Of Fire been made available to their consoles of choice instead of multiplexes, D&D heads could’ve found an excuse to skip the role-playing events and stay home for a change. Besides, a Reign Of Fire video game would delete all of D&D’s boring elements (i.e., 95% of the game’s components) and focus upon good ol’ dragon-slaying. Though, females still wouldn’t be anywhere within eyesight. That’s what “joysticks” are for—no Pause button.

Director: Kurt Wimmer

Plot synopsis: In a futuristic society, the hottest female member of a genetically modified race of subhumans known as Hemophages kicks endless ass on a quest to save her people from genocide.

Ideal console(s): Playstation 2

Game on: As far as nerdy male gamers are concerned, there can never be too many sexy heroines in the electronic entertainment world. Ultraviolet, played by the ever-fine Milla Jovovich in the 2006 film of the same name, is tailor-made to compete against the likes of Lara Croft and BloodRayne in the “hottest video game chicks” category.



She’s ruthless, proficient with a sword, able to slice through hordes of enemies in minutes, and impartial to outfits that conceal her washboard abdominal area. On the downside, though, she’s terribly uninteresting as a character and stuck inside one of the jankiest dystopian environments ever put on celluloid. So of course Ultraviolet got a movie instead of an RPG; she also received a thrashing from critics and tumbleweeds inside theaters showing her big screen effort. Somewhere, in the unreality of Video Game-land, Lara Croft is laughing like Dr. Evil.