"Grand Theft Auto V" Or Real-Life Yoga: Which is Worse?

Before Grand Theft Auto V’s launch in September, Rockstar Games released a series of activities that Los Santos residents could take part in. One of those featured Health and Wellness images a creepy yoga instructor sexually assaulting several women. We decided at that moment that we were going to hunt this guy down and bash his head in, thankfully Rockstar thought the same thing. In the single player game we get to do just that, after being forced to take part in yoga this dude tries to take Michael’s wife. But Michael looks at this is a positive experience and opens up a new world of relaxing yoga.

There are two locations to attempt yoga in Los Santos and Blaine County, one being Michael’s own poolside and the other the beautiful sunset overlook of Mount Gordo. Which also happens to be a great place to punch hikers off cliffs. We traveled to both locals to get a full sense of the range of peacefulness our little red matt and colored candles had to offer.

Most of us found being forced to do virtual yoga a new and bizarre experience, not really fun but not boring either; god help us, we think me might have liked it. So lets take a second look, why in the world would anyone want to do yoga in GTA V and which is worse, the real life contortionist yuppie past time or GTA’s version?

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After finishing a real world yoga session, as we often do, we can be very tired. Ultimately it depends on what style you partake in be we go for the tough stuff. When we walk out of class with our muscles warm and ready to pound down a green juice, because dammit, we’re cleansing.

GTA yoga on the other hand is a very relaxing experience. In fact, we’re convinced in the genius of Rockstar for putting it in the game. It’s a great way to chill-out before bed after playing 18 to 24-hours of straight killin’. Nothing helps you get ready for the sack after blowing up a construction site or randomly massacring beach goers like some deep calming breaths.

Going to yoga classes often involves a lot of instruction, hip adjustments, and outlandish phrases from instructors like “shine your collarbones” or “flower your buttocks.” Not to mention learning the names of seemingly endless poses such as “downward facing dog” or “half lord of the fishes.” We just want to get in there and knock it out.

Luckily you can skip all that nonsense and get straight into the action in GTA, spread them legs and get leaning, no instruction required. Although if you try a one legged pose and knock yourself out, there is a 50-percent chance of waking up in the desert wearing a dress.

[Via Yahoo]

One thing that can stand in the way of your real life yoga sessions is the class. How many times have you rushed to yoga at 5 o’clock in the morning only to get stuck in the back behind the newbs. Then you’ve got to pay for it, unless you’re lucky enough to live by a pay-what-you-wish spot you’ll be shelling out id="mce_marker"0-20 per class. Do you know how many people I have to punch on the street to get a week worth of yoga?

Thankfully class size in never an issue in GTA, after smashing one of the only two yogis in Los Santos with a laptop we doubt he’ll be around to bother anyone. So stretch out and don’t worry about paying. It’s only a few minutes of your time for a happier, more centered virtual life.

One fabulous thing about yoga is that it makes us stop and smell the roses. Whether you’re in a smelly New York loft with 30 other sweating people or on a beach in Mexico as the sea breeze rushes past your “warrior” pose.

The same is true in Grand Theft Auto V. All too often we find ourselves running from one murder spree to another, parachuting on unwitting bystanders and head-butting them to death. Sometimes you just need to get away from it all and enjoy nature’s beauty. So head up the dirt track on Mount Gordo, we prefer running shirtless for maximum burn and enjoy the sun rising over the ocean as mountain lions descend to kill you. There is nothing quite like the feeling of capping a few predators and throwing some haymakers at passing hikers to set up a great yoga session. As you’ve now regained your center, hop on the conveniently located dirt bike fly off into sunset.

We did not see this sick yoga jam on the track list but damn it’s smooth. Way better and much simpler than the jams in our real world class. Apparently some yogis think it’s a great idea to play Miley Cyrus gently in the background, getting our blood up.

Another advantage of doing yoga by yourself, as Michael does, is having your own handy iFruit docking port wherever he goes. Radio stations would have been a nice option when sometimes you’re watching the sun come up over Mount Gordo and hitting our stride in “downward facing dog” we really just want to hear some radio Soulwax.

Yoga was originally championed not as sport but as a way to better yourself. Well what’s a sport without gear? Either because of our capitalist ways or stiff American bodies companies are more than willing to push all sorts of mats, blocks, straps, and clothing on anyone who wants to look sharp in something stretchy in their next yoga class.

In a game like Grand Theft Auto V we expected to be able to customize everything, so why can’t we use our yoga ball? Not to mention why the hell is Michael doing yoga on that crappy matt when there are so many lovely scented print mats on the market. C’mon Rockstar there are even two yoga mats and a huge yoga ball right in Michael’s living room. Why can’t we use them to up our game instead of kicking them madly around the house on a green juice high? This was a huge oversight in our opinion. Although on launch day Rockstar did give out id="mce_marker"00 dollar bill yoga mats in real life, we’re sad they’re not featured in the game or maybe we just haven’t found them yet.

The advantages of real life yoga vary from person to person. From added flexibility to a better since of wellbeing or something, so we’ve been told. We’re much more interested in the tangible benefits like what do we get from yoga right now.

GTA offers a very real benefit for your hard work holding thumb sticks and breathing in and out. Michael will get a full special ability bar allowing him to slow motion kill lots of people. Now that’s a tangible benefit.

Don’t feel bad shuffling grumpy, stiff Michael around, he gets something out of it too. Not only the does the controller shaking in your hands represent the near-breaking point of this hard-livin’ guy’s hamstrings but also the potential for future mass murder, rejoice!

What yoga really is about, and for that matter exercise in general, is taking time out for number one. Taking a moment of your day to focus on what really matters: keeping yourself healthy. It’s a moment to plan out the rest of your day and recognize what’s really important in life.

In GTA it’s no different. After shuffling off a 5-star wanted level and going on a wind farm helicopter-killing spree it’s necessary to take some time and plan out how you’re going to proceed. Do we fire more rockets randomly in the air just to see where they land or maybe just take a moment to realize the virtual families of all those fine loiterer hating, gun-loving Los Santos police officers you took down in your last heist. It’s a moment of reflection. Finish your yoga, take a selfie to remember the moment with your iFruit phone and go into the world.

Lets face it, GTA V is hitting a demographic that probably doesn’t do much yoga.

Yoga is just one part of Rockstar’s amazing parody on America and specifically the West Coast vibe, and we love it. So why is there so little comedy in the yoga in GTA V? Besides the obvious middle-aged dude trying to get his magic back way, but you can see that in any park around sundown when the fatties come out to run under the cover of night.

Rockstar loaded Grand Theft Auto V full of wonderful things and yoga is just one aspect to a much larger joke. We look forward to the hot yoga (Bikram) downloadable expansion coming next year.

Real life yoga is way worse than GTA yoga, but it’s pretty close. Just the fact that we have to take part in the joke over and over if we want to charge our special ability somehow feels wrong. Real life yoga often involves getting up before dawn and hustling down to your local sweat-smelling studio to hear conversations about how great mommy and me classes are going.

Face the facts, we’re gamers and if Grand Theft Auto V gets at least our virtual body moving, that’s probably a good thing. Especially since now your special ability is charged Michael can take out a lot more people, enjoy yogis!