This Week's Most Ratchet Crimes in America

The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.

This week's roundup includes a high elf, rat poison, and a crap load of drunk people. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.

Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].

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Date: 5/14/14
Location: Palm Beach County, Fla.
Crime: Driving Under the Influence
Ratchet Meter: 8

In a turn of events that's sure raise eyebrows, a Florida guidance counselor was arrested for DUI during her morning drive to work.

Angela Mazzocco, 46, was pulled over just before 8:30 a.m. on May 9 in Palm Beach County, Fla. after swerving through lanes and nearly striking another vehicle. Mazzocco told Florida Highway Patrol officers that she had taken Xanax and Lexapro roughly 90 minutes earlier. She submitted to a blood-alcohol test and registered a .20, more than two times the legal limit.

Even more troubling is that she told authorities she was on her way to work. Mazzocco, who is listed as a guidance counselor at Polo Park Middle School, was arrested and charged with DUI.

Date: 5/15/14
Location: Youngstown, Ohio
Crime: N/A
Ratchet Meter: 5

A Youngstown, Ohio man who ran a red light got lucky when a cop noticed his "Bad Mother Fucker" wallet.

Luckily for us, Nicholas Serra was able to record the whole thing with his dashboard-mounted iPhone and police scanner, as he politely explains that he didn't see the cop at the intersection. Also noteworthy: He immediately mentions that he has a permit to carry a concealed weapon, which was in his glove box. After Serra proceeds to hand over his license, the cop recognizes his Pulp Fiction-inspired billfold and compliments him on it.

While the exchange is very cordial and Serra manages to get a lucky break, it's easy to imagine a situation involving a man with a curse-embossed accessory and hidden firearm going very differently. As Gawker commenter FalseEgo pointed out, "As a black man I will never experience this, EVER."

Date: 5/22/14
Location: Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport
Crime: Obstruction of Legal Process
Ratchet Meter: 7

Authorities say Fox News anchor Gregg Jarrett was arrested at Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport on May 21 for being extremely drunk and extremely non-cooperative.

According to the Star Tribune, the 59-year-old weekend anchor was arrested at the main terminal's Northern Lights Grill at 12:30 p.m. on May 21 after police received a call about a "drunk and belligerent" man. When they arrived, Jarrett refused to comply with their orders and was ultimately charged with with obstruction of the legal process. Jarrett was eventually released from jail around 1:30 a.m. this morning after posting his $300 bond. He'll return to court on Jun. 6.

A Fox News spokesperson told Complex:

"We were made aware late last night that Gregg Jarrett was arrested in Minneapolis yesterday and charged with a misdemeanor. He is dealing with serious personal issues at this time. A date at which Gregg might return to air has yet to be determined."

Date: 5/21/14
Location: Brooklyn, N.Y.
Crime: Reckless Endangerment and Assault
Ratchet Meter: 9

Two students were arrested at a Brooklyn elementary school for putting rat poison in a teacher's water, authorities say.

The New York Times reports that the incident took place at P.S. 315 in Flatbush on May 19. The students, ages nine and 12, were arrested on May 20 after the parent of a child who witnessed the students slip the poison into the teacher's drink called the school to warn administrators.

By then, the teacher was already experiencing nausea after drinking the water. She took the bottle to the principal's office, went to a private doctor for treatment and is recovering. The following day, she filed a report at the 70th Precinct. After confirming to the Times that a "small amount" of rat poison had been placed in the water bottle, NYPD Commissioner Bill Bratton attempted to explain what motivated the children to do something so horrible.

"My understanding is the 9-year-old wanted to see what the reaction would be. God knows where kids get these ideas."

Date: 5/21/14
Location: Chillicothe, Ohio
Crime: Cocaine Possession
Ratchet Meter: 9

Talk about being set up to fail.

The unfortunately named D'Alcapone Alpacino Morris, already indicted for cocaine possession, boasts a criminal resume including assault, burglary, robbery, kidnapping and murder. Is the 35-year prison sentence he was given a worse punishment than his name? Think long and hard about that.

An affidavit filed with the Court of Common Pleas on Monday revealed that Morris, who currently resides at Ross Correctional Facility in Chillicothe, Ohio, plans to represent himself in an appeal of his conviction, but has informed the court that he's unable to pay the accompanying expenses.

He won't be eligible for parole until 2044, so he has plenty of time to think about where things went wrong for him. It probably started with the name.

Date: 5/21/14
Location: Portland, Ore.
Crime: Criminal Mischief
Ratchet Meter: 9

A man on LSD was arrested in Portland on May 20 for attacking a woman's BMW with a sword. People really need to let that Blazers loss to the Spur go.

Authorities in Portland, Ore. received a distress call around 7 a.m. on May 20 from a woman who said a man in pirate attire was attacking her car. That someone turned out to be 30-year-old Glendale, Ore. native Konrad Boss, who told police he was a "high-elf engaged in battle with the evil Morgoth." Apparently, LSD was his performance-enhancing drug. For all of you non-Lord of the Rings fans, Morgoth is a Dark Lord who apparently resembles a BMW to someone who's high on LSD.

The vehicle sustained several puncture wounds which cannot be repaired by sorcery, and Boss was cited for criminal mischief before being taken to Providence Hospital.

Date: 5/20/14
Location: Humble, Texas
Crime: Endangering a Child
Ratchet Meter: 8

No one should ever be this excited when taking a mugshot, but keep in mind that this woman's drunken actions are what got her arrested in the first place.

According to WHAS 11, 29-year-old Sandra Grohman was arrested in Humble, Texas on Apr. 22 for allegedly being so wasted, that she stumbled and knocked the stroller carrying her one-month-old over, causing the baby to fall onto a busy street in the process. The spectacle was witnessed by a passerby who, in turn, called 911.

Grohman was arrested and sentenced to 180 days in jail after pleading guilty to endangering a child. Though she'll be spending the summer in jail and Children's Protective Service took her child, she still found time between her arrest and the sobering up period for fun.

The thrill presumably wore off quickly.

Date: 5/20/14
Location: Chesterfield, Va.
Crime: Charges Pending
Ratchet Meter: 8

Two brothers reportedly got into a shootout in Virginia on some twisted, modern day Cain and Abel shit. One of them took bullets to the face and neck, then allegedly spit a bullet out on some action movie shit.

According to WWBT, the confrontation took place on Sunday evening in Chesterfield, Va. The older brother is said to have come to check on his younger brother after previous arguments and hearing that he had discharged a gun inside of his mobile home. Authorities say the older sibling told them his brother brandished the weapon, leaving him no choice but to shoot his brother twice in self-defense. He cared enough to call 911 and wait for emergency responders to arrive, and the younger brother reportedly spit out a bullet that had traveled through his nose.

The younger brother is recovering at a local hospital, and though the older brother was taken into custody, police have yet to file charges against him.

Date: 5/20/14
Location: Bronx, N.Y.
Crime: Criminal Possession of a Controlled Substance, Conspiracy
Ratchet Meter: 7

At the end of last week, authorities arrested two men for trying to sell heroin in Hartford, Conn. Their arrest would lead to the eventual discovery of several pounds of heroin and cocaine, as well as weapons and cash.

Guillermo Esteban Margarin, 32, and Edualin Tapia, 28, are both suspected members of a Bronx heroin ring. A press release from the Special Narcotics Prosector's Office states that on Friday, Margarin and Tapia were caught leaving a known heroin mill in the Bronx's Kingsbridge section. Authorities followed them to Hartford, where they were seen trying to dump a "white substance" down the drain at a home. A group of law enforcement agents from the NYPD, State Police and DEA would later discover 53 pounds of heroin, 20 pound cocaine, two assault rifles and $85,000 in cash inside two apartments and a storage unit all located in the Bronx.

According to police, Hartford is an ideal outpost for New York City heroin dealers because the street value is nearly twice as high. Margarin and Tapia were both charged with criminal possession of a controlled substance and conspiracy.

Date: 5/19/14
Location: Queens, N.Y.
Crime: Charges Pending
Ratchet Meter: 7

Police have released a video of a shooting at a Queens bowling alley on May 17 in hopes that someone will recognize the suspect, reports NBC New York.

The black and white security camera footage shows a man enter the crowded Jib Lanes bowling alley, fire approximately five shots, and made a break for it. A 36-year-old man was shot in the back and thigh, but is now in stable condition.

Police ask that anyone with information contact Crime Stoppers at 800-577-TIPS. As of now, no clear motive for the shooting has merged.

Date: 5/19/14
Location: Murfreesboro, Tenn.
Crime: Public Intoxication
Ratchet Meter: 8

A Murfreesboro, Tenn. man was arrested at a bar on May 16 for attempting to have sex with an ATM and picnic table, reports WKRN-TV.

49-year-old Lonnie Hutton apparently walked through the door of the Boro Bar and Grill ("Browse our tasty and affordable dining with over 30 items priced less than $6!") and proceeded to get intimate with the machine. Authorities later found Hutton naked from the waist down, "walking around the bar, thrusting his hips in the air." Officers then took him outside and sat him at a picnic table, which of course he tried to have sex with as well.

Hutton was eventually charged with public intoxication and arrested. I'll leave it to you readers to make the inevitable "money shot" joke in the comments.

Date: 5/16/14
Location: New York City
Crime: Driving while Intoxicated
Ratchet Meter: 8

One of the worst things a drunk driver can do (aside from driving drunk in the first place) is crash into a police station.

The New York Post reports that a driver slammed into 1 Police Plaza at roughly 7:15 a.m. on May 16, beginning the day on a horrible note. In attempt to escape a ridiculous arrest, the man claimed his GPS system was to blame. When are people going to learn to stop taking the GPS system's word as law?

However, the Post says the vehicle got close to the entrance by basically trailing a car that was authorized to access the area before man crashed into a security barrier. When NYPD officers approached him, he explained that the "GPS took [him that] way." Come on, dude.

Date: 5/16/14
Location: Brooklyn, N.Y.
Crime: Criminal Sale of a Controlled Substance
Ratchet Meter: 7

An ex-substitute teacher and a NYFD EMT worker have been arrested for selling drugs in New York City, authorities say.

The New York Daily News reports that 33-year-old Lisa Tiesta and 25-year-old Joseph Meyer were arrested in Brooklyn on May 15 during a sting operation that came after undercover NYPD officers purchased painkillers and heroin from Tiesta multiple times.

According to the Daily News, the investigation was triggered by police receiving an anonymous letter claiming that Tiesta was selling crack. They later learned that Meyer was selling the same drugs during their attempt to identify Tiesta's supplier.

Both Tiesta and Meyer were charged with criminal sale of a controlled substance and a litany of additional offenses. Their arraignment was scheduled on May 16.

Date: 5/16/14
Location: Brooklyn, N.Y.
Crime: Criminal Possession of Weapons, Controlled Substance
Ratchet Meter: 8

Police officers in Brooklyn found a plethora of weapons (and some drugs) inside of a Brooklyn home on May 15.

Gothamist reports that the NYPD's 62 Precinct Special Operations Unit secured a search warrant, then found a robust collection of firearms: 9 MM Highpoint Rifle-Defaced, 380 Cal loaded Bryco semi-automatic handgun, 357 Cal Taurus Revolver and 38 Cal INA Brazilian Revolver.

To accompany the guns was array of ammunition: 50 rounds of 45 cal ammunition, 50 rounds of 9MM ammunition, 67 rounds of 347 cal ammunition, 50 rounds of 38 cal ammunition, 17 rounds of 380 cal ammunition and A 45 cal magazine.

The rest is strange, yet equally disturbing: 8 swords, 1 machete, 8 Codeine tablets, assorted knives and air pistols and a pair of nunchuks.

The raid led to the arrest of 42-year-old Michael Sylmetaj, 38-year-old Adem Sylmetaj, 36-year-old Bashkim Sylmetaj, and 32-year-old Zenaida Vaysberg. In addition to drug charges, each were charged with criminal possession of weapons and a controlled substance.

Date: 5/15/14
Location: Longview, Texas
Crime: Giving False Information, Failure to Identify
Ratchet Meter: 9

A high school sophomore was arrested in Texas this week. It's probably worth noting that the "student" is a 31-year-old woman.

The convoluted tale of Charity Anne Johnson began when Johnson enrolled at Longview, Texas' New Life Christian School in March under the guise of "Charity Stevens," which is far from the worst lie she told.

Johnson convinced Tamica Lincoln that she was 15-years-old, abused by her father who, along with her mother, had passed away, leaving her in need of a home. After convincing Lincoln to be her guardian, she began her masquerade as a 10th grader. But when Lincoln learned of Johnson's deceit, she contacted police and school officials. The New Life Christian School community was devastated. "Teachers were crying and students were crying, and her best friend just couldn't believe it," Lincoln told KLTV.

Johnson was arrested and charged with giving false information and failure to identify. Unsurprisingly, no one who knows the real Charity Anne Johnson is interested in helping her. That's what happens when you grift people.