This Week's Most Ratchet Crimes in America

The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.

This week's roundup includes a ninja robbery, cat kicking, and lots of public indecency. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.

Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].

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Date: 5/8/14
Location: Spartanburg, S.C.
Crime: Domestic Violence
Ratchet Meter: 8

Perhaps inspired by The Other Woman, two South Carolina women with children fathered by the same man joined forces to attack him because he has another girlfriend.

The Smoking Gun reports that 23-year-old Tabitha Martin lured 21-year-old Rodrick Tucker into the bedroom of her Spartanburg, S.C. home on May 6, then presented a surprise: Courtney Littlejohn, the mother of his other child. Littlejohn, 23, and Martin pulled him off the bed and jumped him, hitting him a barrage of punches to the face and head. Though he escaped the rumble in the bedroom, Tucker was leveled once again and Littlejohn sat on him to keep him in place.That's when they took turns torturing him with a Taser.

Desperate, Tucker grabbed one of his kids, assuming the sight of an innocent child would make the women relent. He must not have ever taken the time to get to know them, as they continued the attack until he handed the baby to Martin. This gave him time to flee.

Tucker told police he believed Martin and Littlejohn were mad because he's currently in a new relationship. Both were arrested yesterday on domestic violence charges. At least they have a new-found friendship.

Date: 5/7/14
Location: JFK International Airport
Crime: Importation of a Controlled Substance
Ratchet Meter: 8

For whatever reason, a Guyanese man thought he could smuggle a rather large quantity of cocaine into the U.S. by hiding it inside of powdered custard.

The man, Godfrey Cassius, arrived at JFK International Airport after returning from Georgetown, Guyana. Customs and Border Patrol agents knew something was up because the bags of powdered custard he was carrying contained white powder that reeked of a "strong chemical odor." That powder tested positive for cocaine—18 pounds of it.

So what's the lesson here, aside from don't try to smuggle drugs into busy airports? Don't try to smuggle drugs at all. Even if people end up snitching for lesser sentences, it rarely ends well for them. Jail should never be the better option.

Date: 5/7/14
Location: Salt Lake City, Utah
Crime: Gross Lewdness and Public Intoxication
Ratchet Meter: 9

God forgives, but not for incidents like this. A couple getting married at a Salt Lake City, Utah church last weekend had the show stolen from them by another couple who decided sex on the church lawn was a good idea.

According to the Smoking Gun, 60-year-old Sandra Kruse and 56-year-old Wilson Benally were in the throes of lust in front of Sacred Heart Catholic Church on May 3 when a police officer approached them. What he saw is enough to blind someone, make them vomit or turn them to stone. Or all three. Benally had his "tongue and finger inside of Ms. Krusen's vagina," the police report states.

What's worse, the wedding party, which included four children, bore witness to this atrocity. The arresting officer had to literally pry Benally away from Krusen to stop him from continuing. Both were charged with gross lewdness and public intoxication, while Benally received additional charges for criminal trespass.

Nobody wants to think about their wedding day and remember this, and God bless those poor children.

Date: 5/6/14
Location: Brooklyn, N.Y.
Crime: Aggravated Animal Cruelty
Ratchet Meter: 9

On May 5, the NYPD arrested a young man who was filmed kicking a small stray cat in Brooklyn.

The New York Daily News reported that 21-year-old Andre Robinson drew a cat in as if he wanted to feed it, then kicked the poor animal, sending it flying into the air before it eventually landed in the bushes some 20 feet away. As shown in the video, Robinson and his friends exploded in laughter, amused at what he had just done.

The video went viral, and police were able to pinpoint the location as the Breevort Houses in Brooklyn's Bedford-Stuyvesant section, while police from the 81st Precinct identified Robinson. He has eight prior arrests, including a 2011 armed robbery.

Robinson was charged with aggravated animal cruelty. His mother attempted to defend his actions, telling the Daily News "He had to be high to do what he did," and adding that he loved the animals he had in the past. The Daily News said a veterinarian told police the cat likely sustained serious injuries.

After admitting that he kicked the animal in a criminal complaint, Robinson was released from jail without bail. He'll make his next court appearance on Jun. 9.

Members of the North Shore Animal League eventually rescued the cat, who the Daily News said some Breevort Houses residents have dubbed "King." It will be taken to an ASPCA hospital for examination and put up for adoption if it's healthy.

Date: 5/6/14
Location: Philadelphia
Crime: Public Indecency
Ratchet Meter: 8

There's a long list of things you don't do aboard a bus. Somewhere near the top is masturbate.

NBC Philadelphia reports that a man sat down next to a Temple University PhD student on a Route 23 SEPTA bus in Philadelphia on May 2, then inexplicably began pleasuring himself. When he refused to stop despite her urging, she began to record him. Think that stopped him? Absolutely not.

"You know this is on video, right?" she asked him. "You really wanna do that? I have it on my phone." Eventually, the man turned to her looking completely bewildered and offered puzzling comments: "Are you serious right now? I'm standing here the whole time. Why wouldn't you just say something?"

The spectacle became too much for other passengers to handle, and they confronted him, prompting his exit. Both the woman and the driver reached out to police, and the Special Victims Unit is conducting an investigation.

According to NBC Philadelphia, police are awaiting warrant approval so they can arrest the man. In a battle where there are only losers, who's worse: this guy, or the serial Swiss cheese masturbator?

Date: 5/6/14
Location: Orlando, Fla.
Crime: Transmitting Harmful Material to a Minor
Ratchet Meter: 8

Authorities say a theme park Captain America was arrested for texting inappropriate pictures to a teenage girl.

Last week, 29-year-old James Weldon Alton was taken into custody after sending the pictures to a 16-year-old that he he posed for a photo with a few weeks ago. Alton, who played Captain America at Universal Studios in Orlando, sparked what authorities describe as an "online relationship" after the girl posted the picture to Instagram. In other words, he became that dude lurking in the social media shadows, leaving comments that exhibit his creepy old guy thirst.

The teen told police that their conversations were friendly until Alton went from two to 10 at record speed, sending her dick pics, then discussing masturbation and "getting into her." That sounds every kind of wrong, especially considering that Alton did all of this after finding out the girl was just 16. Universal Studios terminated Alton, and he was charged with transmitting harmful material to a minor.

Date: 5/5/14
Location: Brooklyn, N.Y.
Crime: Underage Drinking
Ratchet Meter: 7

Party's over, kids.

A recent sting operation caught nearly three dozen New York grocery and liquor stores selling alcohol to minors, reports CBS New York. The decoy operation sent minors to 74 stores between April 17 and May 1. Of the total, police observed the young adults buying alcohol at 32 stores.

Gov. Andrew Cuomo said in a statement, "The law is the law, and we will continue do whatever it takes to crack down on underage drinking and hold accountable those who serve alcohol to minors. Our message is simple: If you put children at risk by placing alcohol in their hands, you will face the consequences."

Date: 5/4/14
Location: New York City
Crime: Possession of a Loaded Firearm, Unlawful Possession of Marijuana
Ratchet Meter: 8

You come across many unusual sights while riding the New York City subway. For example, a man who fell asleep with a loaded gun in his hand.

The NYPD arrested 19-year-old Demarrius Jackson around 7 a.m. on May 3 after he was seen sprawled out on the N train with the weapon in his hand. A passenger who exited the train at Times Square informed police, who found Jackson deep in the throes of slumber.

The South Carolina resident was charged with possession of a defaced firearm, possession of a loaded firearm and unlawful possession of marijuana, just to add insult to injury.

Date: 5/4/14
Location: Norcross, Ga.
Crime: Robbery
Ratchet Meter: 8

Authorities in Georgia hunted for a man who robbed a Waffle House using a pitchfork.

Police in Norcross, Ga. say Jeffrey Wooten stormed into the business wearing a blue ski mask, menacing employees with the tool as he ordered them into a back room. According to Norcross Police Chief Warren Summers, Wooten failed at opening the cash register, so he picked it up and fled.

It would've been a smooth getaway, had he not tripped, fallen and dropped the pitchfork.

A brave Waffle House worker picked it up, chasing Wooten into a Rite-Aid where the two squared off in a battle for the ages. The worker managed to strike Wooten with the pitchfork, as well as damage some of his beloved Ford F-250's windows.

Wooten abandoned his vehicle as police arrived. Police asked for information about his whereabouts to be sent to Detective Craig Dallape at 770-448-2111.

Date: 5/2/14
Location: Windmere, Fla.
Crime: Robbery
Ratchet Meter: 7

A Florida millionaire and his associate were robbed by three men dressed as ninjas, authorities say.

WFTV reports that Bill Kitchen, the filthy rich founder of U.S. Thrillrides, returned to his Windmere, Fla. mansion with wind-surfing instructor Camilo Espinel on Wednesday evening when the three suspects accosted them. They were led inside as the assailants demanded money, jewelry and other valuable possessions.

In true disrespectful robber fashion, one of them took Kitchen's hat off and wore it during the robbery.

After spending an hour rummaging through the house, the three suspects fled in a vehicle they stole from either Kitchen or Espinel. The victims were able to free themselves and call 911 at a neighbor's house shortly after.

Local authorities are calling the robbery an isolated incident, and it remains unclear if Kitchen or Espinel were specifically targeted.