This Week's Most Ratchet Crimes in America

The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.

This week's roundup includes a loaded gun in a vagina, swords, and the most innovative ways to sell narcotics. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.

Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].

RELATED: Breaker Breaker 1-9: This Week's Most Ratchet Crimes in America
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RELATED: Breaker Breaker 1-9: This Week's Most Ratchet Crimes in America

Date: 4/25/14
Location: Greeley, Colo.
Crime: Selling Illicit Substances
Ratchet Meter: 8

According to authorities, four fourth-graders were caught selling marijuana in Colorado the day after 4/20. CNN reports that the 10-year-old sold a bag of weed to three classmates for $11 at Monfort Elementary School Principal in Greeley, Colo. on April 21. So, how'd he he get access to the weed? He stole it from his grandparents' stash, obviously. One of his customers didn't have enough cash, so he bartered a marijuana-infused candy bar that he had also taken from his grandparents. The alleged drug deal was witnessed by another student, who informed an adult after watching one of the children eat some of the candy bar.

Principal Jennifer Sheldon sent a letter home with students asking adults to be more responsible. "We urge all parents, grandparents and anyone who cares for children to treat marijuana as you would prescription drugs, alcohol or even firearms, she wrote. "This drug is potentially lethal to children, and should always be kept under lock and key, away from young people." The students will face disciplinary action, but not expulsion. Anyone waiting to say "I told you so" or quick to blame this incident on the state's legalization of recreational marijuana should have a seat. The issue isn't with the state--it's with the adults. Smoke as much weed as you like, but be responsible about it.

Date: 4/24/14
Location: Bronx, N.Y.
Crime: Drug and Conspiracy
Ratchet Meter: 7

Two men, one of whom is an MTA bus driver, have been arrested in convoluted international heroin smuggling case in New York City. The Smoking Gun reports that Boubacar Traore touched down at JFK International Airport on April 17 after flying in from Tanzania. Customs agents discovered 3.5 kilos of heroin inside of his bag, prompting Traore to come clean about a smuggling operation he was tangled up in. In an attempt to save as much of his own ass as possible, Traore agreed to meet MTA bus driver Francis Abankwa at a Bronx bus stop.

Court documents claim Abankwa, 50, allowed Traore to board his bus with the bag, and they reportedly discussed the ins and outs of drug trafficking during the ride. When the bus reached its final destination, every passenger except for Traore exited the bus, and Abankwa returned to the depot. The duo were walking towards Abankwa's car when they were accosted by the feds, who arrested Abankwa as he carried the incriminating bag. He's been jailed on drug and conspiracy charges, and though Traore faces similar charges, he's free—all because he snitched.

Date: 4/24/14
Location: Havertown, Pa.
Crime: Possession with Intent to Deliver a Controlled Substance
Ratchet Meter: 7

Police in suburban Philadelphia have arrested an ophthalmologist and his daughter for growing and selling marijuana out of their home. The Philadelphia Daily News reports that Haverford Township police raided the Havertown, Pa. home of Dr. Paul Ezell, 58, yesterday, discovering over 20 marijuana plants and $1,200 in cash. The Daily News adds that police estimate the value of the crop to be between $30,000 and $40,000.

Police reportedly received an anonymous tip on their website about Ezell's operation. "Through a third-party source it has come to my attention that Dr. Ezell is growing marijuana at his residence and selling it to his patients and other individuals," the message read. Ezell and his 23-year-old daughter, Victoria, were charged with possession with intent to deliver a controlled substance. Also worth noting: This is the second major drug bust on Philly's main line this week.

Date: 4/23/14
Location: Greenburg, Pa.
Crime: Possession of a Controlled Substance
Ratchet Meter: 7

Authorities claim a Pennsylvania woman sold heroin from her bed in a hospital's intensive care unit. The New York Daily News reports that Lori Sullenberger still managed to supply close to a dozen customers despite being bed ridden at Greensburg, Pa.'s Excela Westmoreland County Hospital. Sullenberger, 38, was arrested on April 22 after security guards alerted police of her frequent visitors, all who made very brief stops in her room. Furthermore, Greensburg Police Capt. Chad Zucco said several trap phones that reportedly rang "at all hours" were found in Sullenberger's room.

Police sent an informant in, and they were able to purchase 30 bags of heroin worth $90 from Sullenberger. After searching her room, they found 380 bags of heroin worth an estimated $3,800 on the street. A total of $1,420 in cash was seized, as well. Sullenberger was charged with possession of a controlled substance and possession of drug paraphernalia. Her boyfriend, 32-year-old Jason Bates, and 27-year-old Robert Rearick were also arrested and charged with possession of a controlled substance.

Date: 4/23/14
Location: Long Island, N.Y.
Crime: Possession of a Controlled Substance
Ratchet Meter: 7

Authorities say a Long Island bus driver's other job--selling heroin--drove her afoul of the law. According to NBC New York, Anna Kovarick, 38, of Bayshore was indicted after being arrested on April 10 after leaving her bus at the depot and then heading out to sell heroin. Suffolk County District Attorney Thomas Spota told NBC New York that Kovarick would then "go out again and sell more heroin" after taking the children home. Kovarick worked for Acme Bus for 15 years, servicing schools in West Islip. At the moment, there's nothing that suggests she every operated a vehicles while under the influence, and News 12 Long Island claims she was running heroin for her currently-incarcerated boyfriend.

Date: 4/23/14
Location: Great Bend, Kan.
Crime: First-Degree Murder
Ratchet Meter: 8

Perhaps a Kansas man currently facing first-degree murder charges regrets the "MURDER" tattoo on his neck. Next week, Jeffrey Chapman's murder trial is slated to begin. Chapman stands accused of killing a man back in 2011, then leaving the body in a ditch where hunters discovered it. In the wake of his situation, Chapman's tattoo is a pretty bad look, to say the least. His attorney wants the state to allow a tattoo artist to remove or cover the unfortunate tattoo, which, of course, prosecutors refuse to do. In the state of Kansas, tattoo artists are only allowed to work at a list of licensed places, i.e. not a jail cell. According to team Chapman, the tattoo has nothing to do with the case, but could easily sway jurors. Compassionate prosecutors agreed, so they told Chapman to wear a turtleneck or something to hide it. The lesson here is to think long and hard about your tattoos, because who knows what might happen.

Date: 4/23/14
Location: Kingsport, Tenn.
Crime: Gun Possession
Ratchet Meter: 9

A Tennessee teenager en route to jail was arrested when authorities discovered a loaded weapon inside of her vagina. According to The Smoking Gun, Dallas Archer, 19, was arrested in Kingsport, Tenn. for driving with a suspended license. As she was being booked at Kingsport jail, a female corrections officer found some foreign object inside of her. This led to a more aggressive search, where a four-inch-long North American Arms 22 LR revolver was found inside of her vagina. And it was loaded.

More on weapon's history: It was stolen from 70-year-old John Souther's car last year. Souther told the Smoking Gun that police refused to divulge details about its recovery. When the the Smoking Gun broke it down for him, he was understandably shocked. "Oh gosh," he exclaimed, adding that he's probably need to "[bathe it] in bleach." Archer faces charges for introducing contraband to a penal facility and gun possession.

Date: 4/22/14
Location: Staten Island, N.Y.
Crime: Attempted Murder and Assault
Ratchet Meter: 7

Authorities in Staten Island say a man attacked three others with a knife and wooden sword during a fight outside of a bar this past weekend. The swashbuckling assailant, 27-year-old Christopher Matthies, reportedly returned to the Dugout Pub in Great Kills with his unorthodox weapons after a fight broke out inside. According to the Staten Island Advance, he stabbed the three men, then sending all of them to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries. Police apparently located Matthies—who resembles a very poor man's C.T. of MTV's The Real Word/Challenge fame—by following the tell-tale trail of blood that he left behind after sustaining injuries during the confrontation: Matthies himself got cut up during the fracas, and prosecutors say police found him by following a trail of blood to his home.

This, his lawyer asserts, is evidence that Mattheis is most certainly the victim, not the perpetrator. "There was a trail of blood leading back to his house because he was bleeding! He was bleeding profusely," defense attorney John Murphy argued at Mattheis's arraignment. "The wounds that are on his hands and body are entirely consistent with defensive wounds... He has a slice under his arm. He has bruising all over his body... His hand is all cut up." According to Matthies, he's a part-time bouncer at the pub who only responded with such force because he was jumped. The Dugout Pub's owner tells the Staten Island Advance a different story, saying "The guys I have are big, professional, know how to talk to people and are certified." Well that's that. Matthies faces several charges including attempted murder and assault. Meanwhile, one of his victims remains in intensive care.

Date: 4/22/14
Location: Salzburg, Austria
Crime: Fraud and Embezzlement
Ratchet Meter: 6

A man who just wanted to make sure police didn't have any dirt on him made the dumb ass mistake of strolling into a police station to ask. The Huffington Post reports that the unidentified 59-year-old German man entered a police station in Salzburg, Austria on April 18 to see if he was wanted for any crimes. Officers went ahead and ran his name, discovering that he had an outstanding warrant for fraud and embezzlement charges.The man was arrested and taken to a local prison, with little-to-no policework required.

Date: 4/21/14
Location: Philadelphia
Crime: Selling Illicit Substances
Ratchet Meter: 7

Two graduates of the prestigious all-boys prep school The Haverford School have been charged with controlling a drug ring that had attempted to create a "drug monopoly" serving Philadelphia's Main Line, reports NBC New York. Neil Scott and Timothy Brooks, whose mugshot snaps eerily remind me of the lacrosse players who used to make fun of me in homeroom, were apparently controlling a network of "sub-dealers" who sold drugs to high schools and colleges in the area. Scott and Brooks were taken down in an operation called the "Main Line Take Over Project," according to Montgomery County District Attorney Risa Ferman.

While the story of prep school drug dealers selling pot, hash oil, coke, and MDMA may sound like the plot to the new 21 Jump Street sequel, Ferman is clear that the culprits meant serious business. "This was not a game. These people were in business, they were in business to make money and they were going to do whatever they needed to do so that no one threatened their business," Ferman said. It seems like she's right, too. Prosecutors say they have confiscated eight pounds of weed, three grams of hash oil, 23 grams of cocaine, 11 grams of Ecstasy, $11,000 cash, a loaded handgun, and two assault rifles.

Date: 4/21/14
Location: Pittsburgh
Crime: Aggravated and Simple Assault
Ratchet Meter: 8

A Pittsburgh man was arrested over the weekend for hurling Easter eggs at his girlfriend and threatening cops with a sword. An Easter egg decorating party went downhill rapidly when Aaron Goempel's girlfriend accused him of cheating on her. His response? Throwing the hard-boiled eggs that they were dyeing at her, leaving her with a swollen eye. By the time authorities showed up, Goempel, 27, had barricaded himself in a bedroom.

Why so much drama on Easter Sunday? Police forced their way into the room, sending a desperate Goempel scrambling for his handy collection of knives and swords. After trying to stab cops and kicking one of them in the groin, he rattled off an array of racial slurs which made his eventual arrest all the more enjoyable for police. Goempel was already awaiting trial for assault, prowling, traffic violations and harassment charges. At this point, what are aggravated and simple assault charges to this guy?

Date: 4/20/14
Location: Dover, N.J.
Crime: Theft
Ratchet Meter: 7

Want to know how to make sure a woman never forgets you? Steal her dog and television on your first date, and you'll stand out forever. A New Jersey woman claims that a man stole her beloved pet and TV in the midst of their initial date. As you've probably guessed, she met him online. She went out with "Joel" on April 17 and after being preoccupied in another room in her Dover, N.J. home, she returned to find that he had vanished with her yorkie Violet and $3,000 flat screen. No doubt a little bit embarrassed, the woman called police, who asked for the public's assistance in locating Joel. There's a silver lining here: the dog and the television were returned yesterday morning, both in good condition. Joel is still at large, and hopefully the woman is a little bit more selective with potential online suitors. Obviously, just because a guy drives a Benz doesn't mean that he won't steal from you.