Image via Complex Original
Lifetime has long been a network that's been easy to ridicule. Since launching in 1984, it has brought us a full array of "women's entertainment" from scripted television (Army Wives, the new and terrific UnREAL), reality TV (Project Runway, Little Women NY & LA) and reruns of syndicated series. But if we are all being very real with ourselves, we're not watching Lifetime for the above. We're watching Lifetime for the movies.
Lifetime movies are guaranteed trash entertainment, full of convoluted plots, terrible acting, and accidental humor—the perfect movies to watch when hung over. In recent years, with the explosion of their "Unauthorized" biopics, their movie slate has gone increasingly off the rails (not complaining, btw).
But don't count out Lifetime's self-awareness. Airing tonight is possibly the #peak Lifetime movie, A Deadly Adoption, starring Kristen Wiig, Will Ferrell, and Jessica Lowndes. It's an obvious parody (and possible love letter to) of typical Lifetime tropes: A rich couple (Wiig and Ferrell) house the pregnant woman (Lowndes) whose baby they are adopting. But there's a DEADLY TWIST!
To prepare for your A Deadly Adoption Sunday hangover, here are 8 of Lifetime's most ridiculous movies (clearly, not a comprehensive list).
Liz & Dick
The Lindsay Lohan-starring Liz & Dick hit Lifetime in 2012, sadly to the final strains of the whispers of Lindsay's yearly alleged comeback. With Grant Bowler as her Richard Burton, the movie poorly chronicled the tumultuous relationship between the famed pair.
But it did give us this:
Death of A Cheerleader
Death Of A Cheerleader (aka A Friend to Die For) stars Lifetime queens, Tori Spelling and Kellie Martin as high school opposites, Spelling as the popular cheerleader and Martin as the mousy outcast who becomes somewhat accepted into the popular clique. Things take a turn for the single white female quickly, as Martin becomes determined to be popular at any cost.
The standout scene is when Spelling's character Stacy tries to get Martin's Angela to smoke "grass" with her in a car.
Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life
Peter Pan (government name: Jeremy Sumpter) stars in Cyber Sedutction: His Secret Life about a suburban youth who is sucked into the world of online porn which, for some reason, destroys his life.
The opening scene where Peter Pan is trembling and bleeding, about to dive into the pool, is alone worth watching.
Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?
For whatever reason, Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? might be Lifetime's most famed movie. It stars Tori Spelling, yet again, this time as a shy coed who begins dating the guy of her dreams. Much like Fear, it becomes increasingly obvious to everyone (except for Tori) that homeboy is crazy. #banallmen
The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story
Paving the way for Lifetime's next wave of "unauthorized" stories (Full House, Beverly Hills 90210) was the network's had-to-be-stoned idea to tell the behind the scenes drama of Saved by the Bell. Basically they cast a bunch of 99 cent store knock-off Tiffani Amber Theissens and Mark Paul Gosselaars to play out the rumored tensions between the cast while Bell Biv DeVoe's "Poison" played, insulting everyone in the process.
Sexting in Suburbia
Sexting in Suburbia (also known as Shattered Silence) tells the story of a grieving mother who is hell bent on getting revenge for her daughter's death. Via flashback, we learn that the popular daughter, after sexts to her boyfriend leaked, became the pariah of her high school. Basically, the whole movie is a (very absurd) PSA against bullying.
The Brittany Murphy Story
Okay, now this one is just poor taste, even for Lifetime.
The Brittany Murphy Story allegedly tells the real story behind Murphy's tragic 2009 death. Framed as a murder mystery, it's filled with bad wigs, moral highgrounds, and poor casting choices.
This should have put a halt to subsequent movies about Aaliyah and Whitney Houston, but of course it didn't.
She Fought Alone
The biggest bummer about Lifetime movies is that they never have "light" premises—usually murder, abuse, rape, and a continual smattering of awful things go down in each one. They are so heavy-handed that they become unintentionally funny. Such is the case with She Fought Alone, starring Kelly Kapowski (Tiffani Amber Theissen) as a teenage girl who is cut off from her friends after she's raped by their other friend.
Not a funny subject matter!
But, rejecting a lecture from a well-meaning mother about her daughter's precious "reputation" with a "What planet are you from?" line?
Classic Lifetime.
