Image via Complex Original
In NBC's Revolution, survivors in a post-apocalyptic dystopian future have adapted to a world in which electricity and all technology dependent on it have been wiped out. The mere thought of going a day without a cell phone is enough to give anyone nervous twitches, so how awful would life be without any of mankind's advances? Complex ponders: 10 Things That Would Suck About Life Without Technology.
RELATED: The 25 Most Anticipated TV Shows Of Fall 2012
RELATED: The 10 Hottest Actresses in New Fall TV Shows
RELATED: The 10 Coolest Fake Weapons In Movies
Written by Justin Monroe (@40yardsplash)
Walking
Walking used to be the shit—you know, back when mankind's ancestors grew feet and walked ashore on all fours. It was equally huge when they then made the move to two feet. But modern man—and our legs, which, through the genius of technology, have become inert extensions of our lazy, crater-forming asses—are over that. Why walk when it's possible to roll out of bed and take a Segway to an escalator to a moving walkway to a golf cart to a car to an elevator without ever having to risk pulling a hammy?
A lifetime of putting one orthopedic shoe-clad foot ahead of the other is a step backwards. And if we're gonna be forced to do that, we might as well just march right back on into the ocean and see how that works without those gills we graduated from so long ago.
Talking
Face-to-face conversation? Using words to describe feelings previously summed up with emoticons?! While making eye contact?!? And never once looking at a smartphone or computer and pretending to listen?!?!? :(
Asking Directions
GPS systems suck, but even grating lady-robot voices telling you to turn at the last second across two lanes of traffic, then judgmentally re-calculating after every fuck-up, is better than fumbling with paper maps and admitting the ineffectiveness of your penis-compass to a stranger. Even if you're OK with appearing like a directionless dolt, you should know that, in any language, "How do you get to...?" translates to: "I have no idea where I am! Rob me? Please and thanks!"
No Grocery Stores
Apparently frozen peas and chicken thighs don't fall out of the sky into the aisles of grocery stores. Tireless work is required to till, plant, harvest, track, kill, and butcher meals, and without refrigeration our gluttonous species will have to practice portion control, producing no more than we can eat unless we can pickle or turn it into jerky. The growls of our rumbling stomach have never sounded so pissed off.
Close Quarters Combat
In the good old days, man could press a button and kill somebody half a world away. With stores of ammunition and explosives dwindling, it's back to swords, knives, clubs, and rocks, which are not only unwieldy but also totally allow your in-laws to see you coming from a mile away.
Light and Heating
Any future in which "get the log" is not a euphemism but the only way to heat a home or dinner is not one we want to be a part of. Not to mention we feel some kinda way about sharing so many candlelit dinners with our boys.
Community Theater
Your laptop, TV, gaming console, and collections of games, DVDs, and Blu-ray discs are preventing you from achieving more with your limited time on this Earth, but at least they're entertaining. Wait until they become coasters and doorstops and the only mindless diversion to stare at is your neighbors making asses of themselves on community theater stages.
The Gleeks of the world will no doubt rejoice at musical theater's return to prominence, but if the only option to take our minds off the shitty future reality is melodramatic wannabes who couldn't play the background in a Jamie Kennedy movie, pass the poison, 'cause it's final curtain for us.
Trash
Funk is great if you're listening to an iPod but not so awesome if it's what you wade through every time you walk down the street because nobody's hauling away your rot-filled tuna fish cans and used Wet Wipes. If you've ever experienced a sanitation workers strike or been to New Jersey you know what we're talking about.
No E-Readers
Anyone old enough to remember carrying a zipper-straining schoolbag stuffed with books like a juvenile pack mule can appreciate the space and back saving beauty of e-readers. The only people who can appreciate having to go back to mile-high piles of books are hoarders and chiropractors. Word to Sir Smoke-A-Lot, we need a backeotomy just thinking about it.
No Internet Porn
Imagination is great for creative writers, but for the masturbating man it is an absolute last resort tool. Women can get by with 50 shades of literary smut but dudes are a much more visual lot. Take your wordy descriptions of who's doing what to whom and shove 'em, 'cause guys need eye candy far sweeter than the written word. And if that means rifling through the sticky pages of old magazines and Victoria's Secret catalogs, so be it. Until we can get the moving image up and working again, the monkey shall not only be spanked but get paper cuts as well.
