Image via Complex Original
The word "ratchet" may be played out, but until the Internet agrees upon a more accurate description for these crimes, it will have to do. These stories are sad, imaginative, and they inspire us to have conversations about race, class, and the American dream.
This week's roundup includes a fried-chicken-fueled fight, Pop Tarts standing in for cocaine, and a wedding gone wild. Each crime is rated on our Ratchet Meter, a base-10 logarithmic scale modeled after a similar system developed by Charles Richter—except that the Ratchet Meter has nothing to do with science because it's not actually a real thing.
Read on for the best of the worst ratchet crimes in America. Proceed with caution, stay safe, don't try this at home, and send your tips to [email protected].
And for your viewing pleasure, here's the latest episode of Ratchet News Network with The Kid Mero:
RNN: Ratchet News Network
A Reminder Not to Ignite Your Friend's Armpit Hair While He's Driving
Date: 9/14/2014
Location: Boise, Idaho
Crime: Inattentive Driving
Ratchet Meter: 5
Police in Idaho say a teenager crashed his car last weekend because his friend set his armpit hair on fire.
According to KTVB, Tristan Myers, 18, was driving in Boise, Idaho early Sunday morning when one of his passengers, a 16-year-old boy, decided to ignite his armpit hair. Myers then lost control of his vehicle, and the resulting crash threw two girls, ages 15 and 16, from the backseat of the car. Myers, the 16-year-old, and another 17-year-old boy stayed in the vehicle, but police say none of the teens were wearing seatbelts.
KTVB adds that Myers initially told police that he crashed after swerving to avoid an animal, but the true story emerged during more intense questioning. Three of the teenagers were hospitalized with non-life threatening injuries, and Myers received a citation for inattentive driving. Deputies with the Ada County Sheriff's Office said Myers was speeding and driving recklessly prior to the crash.
Meanwhile, the teen who lit Myers' armpit hair on fire was issued a ticket for interfering with the driver's safe operation of a vehicle.
[via KTVB]
Man Arrested for Allegedly Killing Woman, Eating Portion of Her Brain
Date: 9/11/2014
Location: Jefferson, Indiana
Crime: Homicide, Cannibalism
Ratchet Meter: 10
A paroled killer was arrested in Indiana last week for reportedly killing a woman and eating a portion of her brain.
According to WAVE, Tammy Jo Blanton was killed in her Jefferson, Ind. home last Thursday. Around 3 a.m., she phoned police to report the menacing presence of Joseph Oberhansley, who she said was trying to access her home. Responding officers ordered Oberhansley to leave, but received a second call about seven hours later.
Oberhansley was found inside of the home, and Blanton's corpse was discovered in the bathtub with parts of her skull missing. Authorities say Oberhansley confessed to cooking and eating part of her brain, as well her heart and lungs.
The most chilling revelation is that this happened while Oberhansley was free on parole following his conviction for killing his girlfriend and shooting her mother in Salt Lake City, Utah in 1998 when he was a teenager.
[via WAVE]
Florida Man Arrested for Assaulting Wife During Argument About Leftover Fried Chicken
Date: 9/15/2014
Location: Deltona, Florida
Crime: Domestic battery by strangulation
Ratchet Meter: 7
A Florida man was arrested yesterday for allegedly attacking his wife during an argument about leftover fried chicken.
The Smoking Gun reports that 45-year-old Desmond Brownlee got into a dispute with his wife, 40-year-old Shay Alamo, at their Deltona, Fla. home because there wasn't enough remaining fried chicken. According to the Smoking Gun, Alamo says Brownlee pushed her onto their bed and began striking her in the face and choking her until she struggled to breathe.
Alamo managed to escape and call 911, but when police arrived, she didn't want to press charges against her husband. During questioning, Brownlee admitted to arguing with his wife about leftover fried chicken, but claimed that he took a non-aggressive stance while she slapped him in the face. However, the laceration on Alamo's lip and marks on her neck suggested otherwise.
Brownlee was eventually charged with domestic battery by strangulation.
[via The Smoking Gun]
Man Accused of Serving Ex-Girlfriend's Dog to Her as Meal
Date: 8/4/2014
Location: Redding, California
Crime: Animal cruelty
Ratchet Meter: 9
A California man was arrested for allegedly killing his ex-girlfriend's dog, then, in an extremely cruel twist, serving him to her like your average meal.
NBC news reports that the woman told police that her Pomeranian vanished following an argument she had with 34-year-old Ryan Watenpaugh. She added that they resolved things, and that he served her a “pork” meal last Saturday. The following day, things got twisted:
The next day, “the victim received a text message from Watenpaugh asking how her dog tasted, and referenced the meal he had cooked for her,” police said. A pair of severed dog’s paws was later left on her doorstep. Police are testing the remains.
Though the Palo Cedro, Calif. native admitted to leaving the paws on the woman's doorstep, but denied murdering and cooking the dog. He's been charged with animal cruelty and stalking.
[via NBC News]
Teenager Arrested (and Fired) for Rubbing Genitals on Pizza
Date: 9/2/2014
Location: Georgetown, Texas
Crime: Tampering with consumer product
Ratchet Meter: 7
A teenager who works in a Texas pizza shop was arrested last week for allegedly placing his genitals on a pizza he was in the process of making.
NBC Dallas-Fort Worth reports that Austin Symonds, 18, was arrested after a customer at a Georgetown, Texas Papa Murphy's witnessed what he was doing back on Sep. 2. The Georgetown Police Department told the outlet that Symonds confessed, revealing that he would've served someone the pizza if he hadn't been interrupted.
He was, of course, fired, and charged with tampering with a consumer product.
[via NBC Dallas-Fort Worth]
Wedding Reception Explodes Into Violent Free-For-All
Date: 9/13/2014
Location: Orchard Park, New York
Crime: Fighting
Ratchet Meter: 6
A wedding reception at a country club just outside of Buffalo, N.Y. erupted into a massive brawl over the weekend, authorities say.
The Buffalo News reports that police in Orchard Park, N.Y. were summoned to the Orchard Park Country Club mere hours after the wedding last Saturday when a guest was punched in the face by another for allegedly fondling a woman. The recipient of the punch was carted away by police, and as guests were leaving the reception, the larger altercation began.
One witness described the carnage:
I’m telling you, there was blood everywhere, he said. There was holes punched in the walls. Words couldn’t describe it. Just when you thought it was over, another fight started.
Orchard Park Police Lt. Patrick Fitzgerald added that there was damage to the building including “holes in walls, blood, broken crystal bowls and glasses and damage to property in the main banquet area, hallways and basement.” In contrast, the Orchard Park Country Club insists there was no damage, a claim Fitzgerald says is “100 percent wrong.”
Emergency responders treated several people for injuries, though there were no arrests because police are uncertain of who started the fight.
“Things were said that can never be taken back,” one witness told the News. That makes for a horrendous start to a marriage.
[via Buffalo News and Gawker]
Florida Police Quickly Learn That Domestic Disturbance Is Just Couple Having Loud Sex
Date: 9/14/2014
Location: Bradenton, Florida
Crime: Loud sex
Ratchet Meter: 4
Police responding to a domestic disturbance call in Florida last week arrived to learn that it was nothing more than a couple deep in the throes of noisy love-making.
The Smoking Gun reports that authorities in Bradenton, Fla. received the call on Sunday morning. In his official report, Officer James Savaglio explained that the duo came outside “smiling and adjusting their clothing.” They proceeded to explain that their home lacked an air conditioner, so they opened their windows to let some air into the home. This, however, allowed the entire neighborhood to hear them fucking on a Sunday morning.
The couple explained that no violence took place, and Savaglio asked them to keep it down for the sake of their neighbors before departing.
[via The Smoking Gun]
Seattle Woman Charged for Breaking Into Man's Home, Raping Him While He Slept
Date: 9/12/2014
Location: Seattle, Washington
Crime: Rape
Ratchet Meter: 9
A Seattle woman has been arrested for allegedly breaking into a man's home and raping him while he slept.
According to The Smoking Gun, 28-year-old Chantae Gilman somehow accessed the victim's apartment one night in June 2013. The 31-year-old told police that he had attended a birthday party for a neighbor, who Gilman also knows. He awoke to find Gilman on top of him, pinning his hands behind his head.
Gilman ignored his orders to get off of him, yet he somehow managed to free himself and force her out of his apartment. During questioning, Gilman told authorities that she did not know the man, nor did she remember forcing herself on him. The Smoking Gun notes that Detective Roger Ishimitsu said Gilman told them that she suffers from both psychosis and bi-polar disorder.
Gilman's DNA matched what was discovered during the man's sexual assault examination, and she was charged with second-degree rape on Monday.
[via The Smoking Gun]
Sensitive Florida Man Threatens Fast Food Worker with Gun at Drive-Thru Window
Date: 9/16/2014
Location: West Palm Beach, Florida
Crime: Aggravated assault
Ratchet Meter: 6
A Florida man was arrested this week for pointing a gun at a fast food employee at the drive-thru in the midst of a dispute about his order.
The Smoking Gun reports that 27-year-old Dechazo Harris ventured to a West Palm Beach Checker's shortly after midnight on March 29, placing an order, then trying to make another order at the second drive-thru window. When 20-year-old Rontavious Tarver asked Harris to return to the speaker to place another order, Harris reportedly threatened Tarver with a gun and told him “Give me a hamburger or I’ll shoot you.”
Other passengers in Harris' car urged him to calm down, and he eventually fled the scene in his vehicle. However, his license plate number was recorded. The Smoking Gun adds that Tarver identified Harris as the suspect immediately after the incident, but he wasn't arrested until Tuesday.
He currently faces charges for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.
[via The Smoking Gun]
Man Arrested After Trying to Pass Crushed Pop Tarts Off as Cocaine. To An Undercover Cop.
Date: 9/4/2014
Location: Halifax, North Carolina
Crime: Creating and selling a counterfeit controlled substance
Ratchet Meter: 5
A North Carolina man who thought he was clever attempted to sell crushed Pop Tarts under the guise of cocaine. Unfortunately for him, his customer happened to be an undercover police officer.
The man, 30-year-old Cameron Mitchell, was making a delivery to a Halifax, N.C. convenience store when the undercover officer inquired about procuring some coke. That's when authorities say that Mitchell agreed, then went to his truck and returned with the bag of crushed Pop Tarts.
Following the $20 transaction, police field tested the contents of the bag, quickly learning that it was not cocaine. They eventually located Mitchell's delivery truck, and he explained that he made the bogus drug deal because he needed money.
Mitchell was arrested and charged with creating and selling a counterfeit controlled substance.
[via Gawker and WCTI]
Overzealous Denver Deputy Suspended for Attacking Inmate Who Clowned His Martial Arts Ability
Date: 9/10/2014
Location: Denver, Colorado
Crime: Attacking an inmate
Ratchet Meter: 8
A thin-skinned police officer in Denver has been suspended for attacking an inmate who made fun of his martial arts ability.
The Denver Post reports that Deputy Roberto Roena of the Denver Sheriff's Department received a 90-day suspension for kicking John Cardenas in the head last April. Apparently, Cardenas was amused by Roena's boasts about his taekwondo skills:
The Post reports that Roena—a 15-year veteran of the department and an alleged adult—then put down a drink and showed off a taekwondo sidekick into the air, which prompted nearby inmate John Cardenas to (rightfully) make fun of him.
That sort of ribbing didn't sit well with the deputy, who then—as shown in surveillance video—kicked Cardenas in the head with a sidekick, followed by a series of punches. Roena then put Cardenas in a headlock and the two tumbled to the ground before other deputies jumped in to break up the fight.
Roenas insisted that he acted in self-defense, but video footage proved otherwise. Investigators noted that Cardenas didn't get aggressive until the deputy made a “poor decision.” Strangely enough, it took well over a year for the department to take action against that poor decision.
[via The West and The Denver Post]
Woman Gives Birth Mere Hours After Stopping Thief from Stealing Her Purse
Date: 9/16/2014
Location: Flint, Michigan
Crime: Theft
Ratchet Meter: 8
A man who snatched a pregnant woman's purse in Michigan this week got an unexpected surprise when she chased after him, slowing him down to the point that others could intervene and police could eventually arrest him.
According to the Associated Press, the woman (who's nine months pregnant, by the way) was loading groceries into her car yesterday when 30-year-old Mark Newton grabbed her purse and ran. She gave chase, but police in Flint, Mich. say he pushed her to the ground.
Two witnesses corralled Newton, seizing her purse from him in the process. He tried to flee, but the woman's family subdued him until police arrived. Newton was arrested and charged with unarmed robbery.
The woman later capped off the eventful day by giving birth.
[via Associated Press]
Two Injured After Drunk, Off-Duty Cop Opens Fire on New York City Street
Date: 9/12/2014
Location: New York, New York
Crime: Reckless endangerment, assault, resisting arrest
Ratchet Meter: 7
An off-duty police officer allegedly shot two people in New York City on Friday night.
NBC New York reports that Victor Zambrano, a member of the New York State Bureau of Narcotics, drunkenly opened fire on an Upper West Side street. Though NBC New York says Zambrano did not know the victims— 42-year-old Sydney Bernard-Whitehead and his girlfriend, 31-year-old Nichola Davidson— the New York Daily News referred to them as his “pals.”
The Daily News also described the events which led to the shooting:
The three pals had been drinking together and were walking on Amsterdam Ave. near W. 82nd St. when the woman asked the New York State Bureau of Narcotics enforcement agent for his pistol, a police source said.
Zambrano handed it over, but quickly demanded it back, cop sources said. As the argument became increasingly heated, the agent fired a round. The bullet ricocheted off the concrete and hit both the woman and her boyfriend.
Despite sustaining a wound to his ankle, the man chased after Zambrano, who the Daily News says turned around and opened fire again, sending a live round onto the pavement. The 49-year-old was eventually surrounded by police, yet still refused to drop his weapon.
Zambrano was eventually subdued and charged with reckless endangerment, assault, and resisting arrest. His neighbor told the New York Post that he had been drinking excessively all week. “He’s been drinking every day,” one neighbor said.
[via NBC New York, New York Post and New York Daily News]
MTA Employee Arrested After Being Caught Pleasuring Himself in Public
Date: 9/9/2014
Location: Woodside, Queens, New York
Crime: Public lewdness
Ratchet Meter: 10
Authorities say an MTA worker was arrested in New York City on Tuesday evening after being caught masturbating inside of a subway token booth.
According to the New York Post, 51-year-old Harold Sisselman was spotted masturbating by a man seeking directions at the 61st Street Station in Queens' Woodside section. The man subsequently called police, who arrested Sisselman and charged him with public lewdness.
The MTA has suspended Sisselman, a 22-year-veteran, without pay.
[via New York Post]
Chinese Man Dies After Donating Sperm 4 Times Over 10-Day Period
Date: 9/12/2014
Location: Hubei Province, China
Crime: Frequent sperm donations
Ratchet Meter: 7
We're taking a detour to China for the next story.
A Chinese man reportedly died in 2012 after making four trips to a sperm bank in just 10 days.
According to the New York Post, employees at the Wuhan University building discovered 23-year-old Zheng Gang unconscious inside of a room. Despite attempts to revive him, Gang, who had been inside of the room for two hours, was pronounced dead.
Claiming that the sperm bank was responsible for his death, Gang's family sued:
They demanded to be paid $648,545 in compensation and claimed that the clinic had forced him to sign up.
They also said the clinic pressured the young man into making frequent donations and alleged the medical staff did not properly handle the situation once they discovered him unconscious.
However, a court ruled in favor of the facility, determining that Gang signed up to donate sperm under his own free will. The Post adds that Gang started donating in 2011, a year after he began studying to be a doctor in 2011.
[via New York Post]
