15 Reasons Why Texas is Better Than New York

It’s possible you’ll freeze to death. A man might pee right next to you (or on you). Once a month your rent check will give you vertigo. Still, you argue New York is one helluva town. Rap Gods, media bigwigs, literary mavens, Broadway virtuosos, and more all rubbing elbows.

The skyline is the epitome of the American Dream—it was built by us, with our bare hands. The City whispers, "no matter where you're from, you can make it here," and you keep listening like the rest of the dreamers.

Yes, New York is wonderful, with its Brooklyn hipsters, starry-eyed kids, and outrageously rich dudes living out their own personal Gatsby fantasies. The one thing they all have in common is an unrivaled arrogance when it comes to how great their city is. Well, nearly unrivaled. Texas takes the cake in the arrogance game, and that's because, to put it simply, Texas is better than New York.

Right now, throngs of New Yorkers are temporarily migrating to Austin for South By Southwest. They're taking their aggression—usually reserved for tourists in Times Square—out on Texas. But, you know what? That's fine, because if they bothered to pay any damn attention they might realize Austin is better than their precious land of overpriced pizza. Yeah, I said it. Texas is better than New York, and here are 15 damn good reasons why.

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You knew this was coming sooner or later and there’s pretty much no contesting it. So let's get it over with right now: Living is considerably cheaper in Texas than in New York, or pretty much every single place on the East Coast. Interestingly, Forbes ranked Texas the fourth best state to make a living. Guess which was the fourth worst? New York.

Here's a personal anecdote: I've rented a place that was fully furnished for $450 including utilities. That's like your water bill in New York, right?

Sure, hold your nose up to those hillbillies, hicks, and rednecks. They're simple people and they talk strange, but they know how to have some fun. The greatest bit of concrete evidence towards this theory is the sacred tradition of floatin' the river.

The first time I learned of this phenomenon, I thought it was the stupidest shit I'd ever heard. Why would I want to sit in a tube and drink for two hours under the hot sun when I could drink for hours on end in front of air conditioning?

The simple answer is because it's the holy grail of summer activities. The sun may be drop-kicking you in the nuts, but you're slowly floating in an ice cold river with good friends and a cooler of beer by your side. If you're smart, you'll bring along a jug of homemade Texas Tea, too. Just try to ignore the folks blasting George Strait and the deadly hangover you'll have in the morning.

What regional cuisine can New York call its own? Pizza? Hot dogs? Sorry, those foods are delicious, but there's nothing too special about them. No matter how great you think your local pizza joint is, somebody in Wyoming can make pizza just as good. And hot dogs—any ballpark in America has those.

Texas is home to the nation's greatest barbecue. And let's not forget about Tex-Mex, which is Southern American cooking and Mexican food. This hybrid is actually what heaven is made of. Heaven is a brisket quesadilla.

Then, there's Whataburger, the greatest fast-food joint on the face of the Earth, founded in none other than Corpus Christi. It looks like it will kill you, because it really will. The best foods are things that will kill you, not that bullshit healthy stuff. And that is fact.

State fairs happen in every state and they're wonderful because they have the propensity to make you feel like a kid all over again. Total exuberance. It'd also be a crime not to mention the fried foods that clog your arteries on the spot and the rides that can make you projectile vomit the meals that just entered your body.

What makes the Texas State Fair special is the fifty-two foot tall behemoth Big Tex. When OG Big Tex died/got burned to death in 2012, many Texans mourned his passing. Even so, you can't keep a big-ass mascot down: The new Big Tex, is three feet taller and he's even fire resistant.

I wasn't familiar with the fact that Shiner Bock is popular outside of Texas until I saw it popping up in film and television. It's Hank Schrader's favorite beer. Justin Timberlake can be seen drinking it in Friends With Benefits.

Founded in 1909, Shiner Bock is the first independent brewery in Texas. Shiner is also brewed in Shiner, TX, population 2,070. Damn, Shiner, why do you have to be so dope?

New York was just awarded the distinct honor of carrying this exquisitely fine beer, but the opportunity to taste amazing seasonal brews like Shiner Holiday Cheer and Shiner Ruby Redbird might not come to New York because the Spoetzl Brewery likes to keep its greatest creations close to home.

Surely, this is torture on par with waterboarding.

New York has New Jersey. That's the place New Yorkers like to hate on most. Why? I don't know. New Jersey really ain't all that bad. It's definitely not as good as New York, but it seems like a pretty decent place to live.

Oklahoma, on the other hand, is actually the worst place in the world. It's just north of Texas and it's the source of well-deserved mockery. Texans hate Oklahoma because it's horrible. Upon entering Oklahoma, your body contorts and a truly visceral, supernatural hate overwhelms your mind. Sometimes you just vomit like in The Exorcist.

Oklahoma is the worst because it is a manifestation of all the silly stereotypes outsiders have about Texas. Oklahoma, no one likes you.

There's this thing called the top 10 percent rule in Texas. It's a bill that stipulates any Texan who graduates in the top 10 percent of their high school gets admitted to any publicly funded college in the state. The bill is a landmark law that narrows in on ethnic and geographical diversity.

There's certainly debate to be had regarding whether or not upward mobility is actually a thing, but this law draws credence to that code. You can at least be admitted to a top college, so long as you do well enough in high school.

Paying for school is another thing, but attending college at a prestigious school in Texas is considerably cheaper than it is in New York, even if you cast aside the cost of rent.

If you were on the street and decided to light yourself on fire, do you think a New Yorker's first instinct would be to help you or Instagram it and share it on Twitter?

I'll give you a moment to think.

If this happened to you in Texas, however, somebody would help you out immediately. They would run to your aid even if they were on their way to an important job interview, final exam, or heading home to unwind after a long day at work. And that kindness doesn't just apply in extreme situations. Most favors in Texas can be bought with the simple price of a six pack of Shiner.

Texas is the second largest American state. It's huge. The great thing about that is it's big enough to find a place that fits your sensibility.

Austin is our capitol, meant for techies, political hopefuls, SXSW hipsters, bands, academics...wait, Austin is pretty much for everyone. Dallas is for the young folks, the $30,000 millionaires and Rick Ross.

San Antonio and El Paso are Mexico Lite. Houston is your oil town and home of the DIY rap tradition.

Denton is almost like a quaint little Austin, though don't tell a Dentonite that because they will yell in your face.

Ft. Worth is where cowboys are still authentic and cool, and where people really like art. College Station is your tried and true hick town.

There's a city for everyone in Texas.

HEB is a grocery store and obviously an acronym. It stands for "Here Everything's Better." Honestly, I'm not sure if everything really is better at HEB, but it's a pretty great place to buy things to put into your stomach. It has decent prices and food that tastes great and won't give you salmonella.

Texans love HEB dearly. The point behind the fanaticism is that it's ours.

The point being that if I had left HEB off of this list, a few Texans would read it and be angry that it didn't make an appearance. HEB is a beloved institution. The fact that people buy their bread here doesn't make it any less special. The fact that everyone buys their bread here does.

Ft. Hood, Texas is one of the world's largest military bases (the amount of soldiers fluctuates depending on absurd threats from North Korea.) It doesn't matter what you think of the military: Global gatekeepers of democracy? Cool. Glorified gangsters with camouflaged uniforms and guns? Cool.

One thing that should be accounted for, though, is that the armed forces has the most diverse workforce in America. Many men and women join the military to follow in the footsteps of their mothers and fathers. It's almost like when Gus Wenner became editor at RollingStone.com, except you actually have to work hard.

No matter how you feel about the military, it gives people from different walks of lives an opportunity to feed, clothe, and house themselves. It's kind of like the rap game. It's way less lucrative, but if you hustle and can run a mile in a respectable amount of time, you can carve out a decent future.

'Merica.