The 15 Most Annoying Things People Do in the Movie Theater

Who goes to the movies anymore? In this, the era of Netflix, Amazon Prime, Roku, Hulu, Xbox Marketplace, or just plain strug cable box on-demand, there's next to no incentive to actually leave the crib and go sit in a theater full of strangers. With box office prices at a disgusting all-time high, the only people still filling movie theater seats are romantics who value "the experience," struggle romantics on a basic dinner-and-a-movie wave, and uh, families?

Who can blame those who stay home, when venturing out to the theater is an open invitation to endure so much fuckshit? Opting for VIP in the home den doesn't sound so bad when the alternative involves screaming kids, dirty seats, and assholes who paid to sit in a dark, silent theater just to whisper at the highest octave imaginable. But wait, there's more! Here's every reason why going to the movies is a thankless experience.

Not to be Debbie Downers here, but you fully grown adults treating every Marvel movie like it's Halloween or Comic-Con are doing the absolute most. You guys get midnight showings to let your geek flags fly, and that's where it stops.

First off, this is just morally irresponsible. But to be honest, we don't really care about the nightmares your kid's gonna have later or the impressionable bad behavior that'll result from this at school next week. We just don't want to hear little Jimmy whining when shit gets real, fucking up our own enjoyment while he begs to leave.

Bonus points go to those truly horrible parents who bring actual infants to loud and noisy blockbusters with action set-pieces designed to set the little stinkers off like time bombs into unstoppable crying fits.

To all you filthy fucks out there, stay in your pigpen crib with Netflix and VOD while you exterminate. We want no parts of your creepy-crawly bedmates.

This goes out to all the moviegoers who leave us stone-faced through the most winning comedy thanks to their hearty, grating, Fran Drescher cackle. And they're always placed, without fail, in the most acoustically perfect spot, the better their hyena chortle can reverberate throughout the theater. Glad you're enjoying yourself, though!

It's not just phone calls. If the jack is vibrating with a new text every five seconds or you're texting at full brightness in a pitch black theater, you're still Public Enemy Fuccboi #1 and deserve a lifetime ban.

We're not begrudging anyone who'd rather float through with a few chocolate bars from Duane Reade that cost ten times less than what the concession stand is charging. Tickets are, what, $15 these days? Do you, bruh. But if you show up and produce a big bag of say, McDonald's, out of your extremely conspicuous bookbag, please leave and never return.

Buying a movie ticket is an unspoken agreement to deal with a specific set of aromas: popcorn butter, nacho cheese, maybe hot dogs from that guy who really gives negative seven fucks about his body. But fuck out of here forever with your fish filet, fam.

With that said, even if you've settled on visiting the concession stand food, table manners still abide. There are enough sound effects reverberating throughout the theater without your added popcorn crunches thrown in for extra atmosphere.

You all have gotten so reckless with this that IMAX really went and instituted assigned seating just to combat this bullshit. Sorry, but if your hapless friends don't know how real shit gets on an opening weekend then they get a five-minute grace period, tops, before we chuck those articles of clothing you strategically placed across all seven seats out into the aisle and get comfortable. Grace period extended by two minutes for friends standing in concession or bathroom lines.

It's the cardinal sin for any moviegoer, more heinous than wrestling with candy wrappers or any other offense. The bottom line: shut up or stay home.

This is a completely different brand of evil than just simply talking during the movie. Talking at the movie is the film equivalent of that person who speaks aloud while they read. It's great that the story has engrossed you to the point of yelling useless advice at fictional characters, but if we wanted to hear commentary, we'd wait for the DVD. Kindly shut the hell up. Thanks.

If you wanted to get extra comfortable, then you should've stayed at the crib. There's nothing worse than walking into a theater and seeing some douche's dusty kicks hanging over the headrest on the last few good open seats, or, worse, bare feet in the warm months. It's just as bad to observe in a thinly populated theater, if only to reinforce that you have no clue of knowing what degrees of filthiness the seat you're currently occupying endured at another point in the day.

Fam, thanks to the trailers, movies start so far off from what the showing time's actually billed that there's simply no excuse for not arriving until the lights have finally gone from dim to off. You really missed commercials, behind-the-scenes featurettes for TBS shows no one actually watches, and a solid 17 minutes worth of trailers? Not to mention theaters like AMC have pre- and post-trailers skits? That's a full half-hour safety net just for late bastards like yourself, and you still bricked it. Wait around until the next show instead of screwing up our view to get to that lone open seat mid-row, dog.

Just think, if Omar Epps held it, he wouldn't have been the token first casualty in Scream 2. Bathroom breaks are for people 13 and younger, only. Young adults and Full Matures™, you know what you're getting into. If it's not a D-list horror movie than chances are you're signing up for two hours or more; if it's a Chris Nolan blockbuster, go ahead and budget that bladder for as many as three.

But really, death to anyone who catches a case of ADHD and repeatedly goes in and out from a mid-row, center-theater seat. You get one mercy exit but after that the law says we're allowed to trip you next time you try to stumble past.

Going to the movies with people, be they dates or friends, is fun even though film watching is a decidedly solo experience when it comes down to it. But do yourself a favor and cut anyone out of your life who qualifies as such: the person routinely asking their companion, "Wait, who's that guy?" or "Why did she do that?" Spirited discussion comes after the credits roll. Any adult who needs their hand held repeatedly over the two-hour affair shouldn't be allowed at the box office.

True story: I was once in the movie theater for a Jet Li flick. Two dudes in the front sat through the trailers and everything, only to loudly exclaim, once the actual film started, "You mean this ain't The Black Dahlia?!"

So, uh, make sure you look at the helpful display bar above each theater door or end up confused like those two idiots.