Image via Complex Original
Today is a dark one. We survived a summer full of relentless Jay Z and Beyoncé breakup rumors only to be sneak attacked by the news that French Montana and Khloé Kardashian are calling it quits during these dog days of summer. They didn't even make it to Thanksgiving.
The official word is that they're on a "break," and a lovelorn French is hard at work trying to get them back on track. Fingers crossed for those crazy kids, but in the meantime we're left to wonder where it all went wrong. How did we go from French and Khloé creeping around from her fam like high schoolers, romantic strolls through the BX, exotic getaways, and Frenchy cheesing for the paparazzi at every turn, to this?
After some brainstorming, we came up with a few reasons that might've caused Klénch (trying this out? no?) to hit the skids. Spoiler: none of these reasons involve Kris Jenner. In the meantime, stay up, Montana, and whatever you do, don't repeat Ross Geller's mistake.
You can't actually make or receive a call on the Money Phone™.
Look at French, dutifully calling Khloé to check-in while they're apart from each other. Except, he's using the Money Phone. Meaning he's talking into a stack of paper.
Imagine that Khloé's trying to send French dirty texts and he's receiving them on the other end in a series of jumbled serial numbers. Total stunt-to-practicality fail. It probably smells nice and ATM-crisp-like, though.
French felt restricted by Khloé's sex rules.
To recap, Koko demands an A1 dinner before you get into the freaky stuff. Is it possible the koolest Kardashian is a dime in the streets but a prude in the sheets?
Khloé felt neglected by Montana's love of animals.
French is for the animals. His main pet is the spectacularly named monkey, "Julius Ceasor," but his affinity for exotic creatures extends far and wide, including but not limited to giraffes, tiger cubs—he even shows love to the dead animals with which he drapes himself in. It's on record that he adores Khloé, but it's quite possible she got insecure about Montana's Magical Menagerie.
Khloé felt insecure about French's alphets.
No, not about French's totally intentional misspelling of the word "outfit" and ensuing style movement but the simple fact that Montana's steez never takes a day off. Kanye and Kim's achromatic coordination may monopolize the spotlight, but at their peak, Khlénch had no trouble keeping up. Khloe's streetwear finesse made her the perfect gangster's moll to the Coke Boy kingpin. But even that was barely enough to match levels with one of the freshest rappers in the game. Between rare Gucci and an even rarer pelt game, out-swagging French Montana is an impossible feat. That's got to mess with a romantic partner's head.
French tried to make Mason Disick the newest (and youngest) member of the Coke Boys.
There's no greater flourish than bagging a cool chick with even cooler in-laws. As the OG Mr. Kardashian, Lord Scott Disick has been blatantly souped these past two years to have gawds like Kanye and French join the fam and break him off with both swag points and street cred. But we know French loves the kids, and in becoming fast friends with $cott, it's quite possible Montana jumped the gun and tried to bring Mason into the fold as well. While the young stunna would surely look fresh in a kids' size Coke Boy hoody, it's not hard to imagine Kris and Kourtney pressuring Koko to shut it down.