Ranking the Celebrity "I Lost My Virginity" Stories on John Stamos' New Show In Order of How Much They Make Us Want to Lobotomize Ourselves

Watching Full House in the '90s, growing delighted at the sight of that car full of lily-white middle-class happiness, didn't you want to grab Uncle Jesse by his dark mane of hair and tell him about how you lost your virginity? Yahoo!, the search engine equivalent of an incontinent grandparent you don't like to visit, heard your prayer. In its infinite wisdom, Yahoo! has produced an original web series of five-minute shorts in which John Stamos asks celebrities about how they lost their virginity. It's called—God help us—Losing It With John Stamos.

What do you lose watching Losing It With John Stamos? Self-respect, brain power, faith in the future, the will to live. In that order. Please understand that we are not encouraging you to watch this show. Having lived through that, there is nothing positive to report from that ravaged kingdom of shame. But you can get a glimpse into the most cripplingly embarrassing moments of the show with this breakdown of the ten episodes.

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Worst clunker: Stamos: "Was there pressure? Was there pressure?"
Creepiness gauge: Nightmarish
Watch it here

At the end of Matt Stone's story about doing it for the first time in the woods, he recalls that the girl he was with thanked him. Interesting enough moment. For the last fifteen seconds, both he and Stamos jokingly conclude how much better the world would be if, after every time anyone had sex, folks just thanked each other. Think about that premise for more than ten seconds and you'll find it not only less amusing but infinitely more horrifying. It's like how you thank the gas station attendant for the change from the Snickers you just bought. Now the gas station guy and the Snickers are in bed with you, while you and your partner recline in a great wet spot. What have we done?

Worst clunker: Munn asks John Stamos when he lost his virginity. Stamos doing his best meek impression: "I was 27."
Vain-o-meter: Astronomical
Watch it here

Olivia Munn, recounting her story about losing her virginity to the archetypical jock, describes her partner as having that "half-smile" on his face that all-good looking guys have. Ah, so that's the measurement of attractiveness.

Once she divulges this mystical tell-tale sign of male attractiveness, Stamos, whose entire career amounts to "that attractive guy" rushes to cup his mouth in faux embarassment. That is until you realize that Olivia never mentioned Stamos's name at all in that description of her high-school boyfriend. That's right, Stamos figured she knew he was part of that exclusive club. Right on time, Munn, seeing that he'd already included himself in the half-smirk pantheon, rushes to massage his ego. Once you notice it—assuming you take the time to watch the video—you can now say that you've seen the naked face of narcissism itself.

Worst clunker: Stamos and Jeff Ross strum on their guitars as Ross sings a humorous, nonsensical song. Stamos abruptly stops the guitar playing, sternly asks: "Jeff, how did you lose your virginity?"
Distance you eyes will roll: A billion miles
Watch it here

Jeff Ross recounts his virginity story and it amounts to him being at the right party, where his friend's girlfriend's best friend had decided to lose her virginity, at the right time. Ross then stares directly into the camera to declare—using her real name—that she definitely wanted it. The woman who now probably has a husband and kids. To clear the rapey air, Stamos adds that he would lose his virginity to the Comedy Central roastmaster, too. Sure.

Worst clunker: Rapaport: "She knew what she was doing. She was 'bout it 'bout it, John." Stamos: 'Yeah. 'Bout it 'bout it."
Cringe level: Shuddering
Watch it here

We get the very unfortunate, gross opportunity to watch two middle-aged white dudes talk, and excitedly so, about—last chance to retreat to where it's safe—finger-popping. If you forgot what that is, Michael Rapaport has got you; his pale and freckled, forty-year-old hands assume the formation to show you how it was done in his day, son. Doesn't the FCC exist just for things like this?

Worst clunker: Stamos on condoms: "The mechanics screw me up to this day, myself."
Cringe level: Severe
Watch it here

Michael Ian Black inadvertently—OK, possibly advertently—calls out the filmsy, creepy premise of the show during his tale: "I didn't tell anybody. It's not like I went into school the next day, like "Guess what?' I wait until the Internet's invented and then tell millions." Yes, sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? If only Stamos had said these exact sentences out loud to Yahoo!, we would never have to have seen all of this horror.

Worst clunker: Casey Wilson's recites her high school boyfriend's poetry: "Casey, I want to be your man. Your love to me is like a great fan."
Awkwardness level: Goosebumps. Everywhere.
Watch it here

Stamos forgets where he is and proceeds to turn the charm on Casey Wilson. Wilson finishes her actually insane and failure-ridden revenge saga involving her high school boyfriend Kyle and this other guy Dave from the school's baseball team. Her story, having touched Stamos' heart, cues the yogurt-commercial mandolin in his head, and he wrinkles his thick eyebrows into a shape that can only be described as oppresively sincere, and leans forward and says: "I feel so bad. You seem like a very sensitive, very sweet, romantic person. And it seems like a real thing a young girl would go through—"

At which point Casey immediately, as if to make it a point, announces she's currently dating someone. Stamos sits back, speechless, probably experiencing, for the first time in the interview, an iota of shame.

Worst clunker: Stamos inexplicably asks Perez Hilton: "Did you have a beard?"
Yikes meter: Very high
Watch it here

Hilton admits that he has experienced a five-year dry spell, makes clear his love of Grindr, makes a variety of hand gestures, and all of his words are bleeped out as Stamos sits there taking it all in with a mixture of confusion, concern, and amusement on his face. Perhaps he may have been thinking, 'Why did I think this would be a good idea?'

Worst clunker: Stamos: "Who'd you lose your virginity to?" Saget: "Beyoncé."
Discomfort level: Echoing silence, punctuacted by birds chirping in the distance
Watch it here

Near the end of the interview, Stamos says, "I know your ex-wife, and I know your kids and they have all turned out great, and I spent time with them last night, and it's a really beautiful, touching story." To which Bob Saget, who is essentially bouncing up and down in anticipation of his zinger says, "I'm happy to be here and I'd like to ask you now to please stay away from my children." Oof.

Worst clunker: Stamos: "I'm feeling pregnant just sitting near him."
Groan decibel: Off the charts
Watch it here

After Alan Cumming recounts to a rapt Stamos how he lost his virginity "shagging" his friend's girlfriend, he ends his story by saying that gay people tend to have freer sexual relationships. Stamos, unable to resist himself, fakes being enticed and grabs Cumming's hand to lead him away. Surprise, Uncle Jesse is corny as hell, and he has brought his hell to us in the form of Yahoo! shorts.

Worst clunker: Pally on his now-wife: "She had titties right away, from the time she was like, 10." Stamos, opening his arms and growling: "Great."
Questionability: Rather high
Watch it here

Adam Pally, in the middle of his story about losing his virginity to one of the hottest girls at his high school, Daniella (now his wife), when he was fifteen, adds that he weighed over two hundred pounds at the time. To make the image clearer, he explains that he had fat boy nipples. They resembled inward belly buttons. Likely very absorbed in a tale that prominently features Pally's girlfriend's titties (you'll likely never hear the word "titties" uttered this often for the rest of your life) Stamos exclaims, about Pally's chubby male chest, "That's more interesting than the virgin story, by the way."

We all need therapy, all of us.