The 10 Worst Games To Play While Stoned

Oh boy. Getting stoned and playing video games is one of the all-time great hallmarks of life on earth in 2012. Wandering the open plains of Skyrim after a few bong rips? Aint nothing greater! Climbing that same tree over and over in the hub level of Super Mario 64? Get me lifted and sign me up. Having an actual panic attack while that chainsaw dude chases you around in Resident Evil 4? Uhh, I think I'll watch cat videos instead.

You see, some video games cater themselves to playing while under the influence. Some, however, can be truly awful experiences if you attempt post-ganja. Here is a list of ten games that are so awful to play stoned that afterwards you may just resign yourself to walking the straight and narrow.

Aside from that guy's floating head, there really is nothing for the stoned mind to latch on to here. It's just math, math and more math. I think weed was put on this earth to trick the brain into thinking math doesn't even exist so a game on the subject is probably a no-go. It could be good for "high vs normal" brain analyses though. Someone on YouTube ought to get on that."

Oh so you wanna get stoned and relive your childhood? You're out of luck kid, those games are either: harder than you remember, your skills were better then or some combination of the two. Nowadays, you'd be hard pressed to get past the first level of Ghosts 'N Goblins on ten hours of sleep, a Swiss chard smoothie and a mind-clearing yoga session.

Of course, all bets are off if you are using an emulator with save states. But you didn't hear that from us.

A narrative-driven mystery that allows you to perform mundane tasks like making coffee? On paper, it sounds like the best green game since Shenmue 2. This would be true except for two unfortunate realities: QTEs and automatic saving.

You see, much of the game's action relies on quick time events. Look at the first word in that trio. The only thing you do quickly once you smoke is trawl Netflix Instant for Star Trek episodes, and even that takes some heavy trial and error. You are likely to mess up every QTE, irrevocably changing your character's storyline. There is no going back because Heavy Rain relies on automatic game saves. You'll get the worst ending so fast you'll think the developers intended the entire game as an anti-weed PSA.

Playing Word With Friends after a few tokes usually goes a little bit like this: Is this really a word? Is this person really my friend? Will this person continue to be my friend after I play this word? Wait, is this friend trying to tell me something by playing this word? Damn. I'm at a loss for words and friends right now.

There are gads of survival horror titles out there and none are particularly well suited for stoned playthroughs. Eternal Darkness however, takes it to the next anxiety-induced level. The game had something called “Insanity Effects” whic basically means that sometimes it would do things like pretend to reset or “accidentally” lose your save game for a few minutes. It was enough to drive you crazy on the soberest of days.

Oh yeah, there are also lots of screaming babies. Can you imagine any one thing you want to hear less while high than a baby screaming in terror? Me neither. And they said Gamecube was for kids.

There's a reason why reading the Encyclopedia Brown series never caught on as an activity for the blitzed. Reading can be hard enough while stoned but reading while looking for clues and logic gaps? Nigh impossible.

Phoenix Wright is built around just those things. Each case offers up sentence after sentence of dialog and you are tasked with figuring out which clues help a case and which are simply red herrings. I know from experience that repeatedly yelling “Objection!” during the opening statements does little to curry favor with the judge.

See also, Zork.

This new crop of nostalgia-based platformers like Super Meat Boy and VVVVVV are fantastic fun. They are also harder than taking the GRE on no sleep and zero Adderall. Super Meat Boy makes world eight of the original Super Mario Bros seem like hugging a sleeping puppy. That's how hard it is.

Now, I don't want to generalize, but dealing with grueling difficulty is not high on a stoners' “to do list.” Games that feature exploration, or just a bunch of pretty colors, are ideal for smoking. Games that force you to re-do the same level over and over (and over) could induce some serious smokers regret.

Picture this scenario: You inhale some of God's greenery and then decide to head online to play Left 4 Dead (Or any shooter of your choice.) You make a few mistakes here and there due to slowed muscle memory and before you know it you are being berated by eleven year olds. Yes, ELEVEN YEAR OLDS. The next morning, you won't be able to look yourself in the mirror.

If you don't mind getting played by little kids at least stick to Mario Kart where you won't be able to hear their pre-pubescent jeers.

The ever-present “stoners love to eat lots of food” meme that has plagued smokers since the dawn of weed does have some truth to it. Food simply tastes better when you are high. There's even some hard science to back it up.

So, chomping down on some mighty morsels while stoned is great. You know what isn't great? Being teased. Watching Top Chef after rolling a J is a monumentally bad idea, as is playing the food-sim Cooking Mama. You are likely to get jealous, depressed and then jealous again in that order. Stay away unless your pantry is fully stocked and we all know how likely that is if you are a regular weed smoker.

This game might be fun wasted, but I dare even Tony Hawk himself to attempt it stoned. The kind bud will turn not so kind as he goes careening to the ground and breaks his hip. He's getting up there in years, after all.

Also, it must again be noted, this game is also an insufferable mess sober. Maybe Xanax would do the trick. Then it'd be like you are slowly surfing on the concrete of calmness. Or something of the sort.