Image via Complex Original
Intro Slide
Illustration by REAS
Baby, it's cold outside, and you need yourself some subzero lovin'. Good thing we're here to show you the ins and outs of landing yourself a certified holi-dime. Trap or die!
This feature originally appeared in Complex's November 2007 issue.
Disclaimer: Forget Icelandic snow queens who ply you with tireless fellatio; winter means no leg-shaving, no sun, and mad holiday leftovers. The upshot? Your shorty-below-zero is gonna be paler, hairier, and thicker than the summer version. Time to adjust your standards. Besides, you're gonna have a winter beard, and we don't hear any panties getting wet during a Matisyahu concert. Diddly-whoa-oh-ohhh...seen!
Anatomy
ANATOMY OF A WINTER WIFEY
Only a very special kind of woman can spend four months in your house without driving you in-fucking-sane.
1. EYES: Loves Farrelly brothers movies and the NFL.
Extra Credit: Even likes watching you play Madden.
2. LUNGS: Not only does she smoke, but her weed man brings the heat.
Extra Credit: Can hold her breath. For a long time. Actually, two-and-a-half minutes is all we ask.
3. TORSO: WiiPlay means she can stay tight without trudging to the gym.
Extra Credit: Who needs a thermostat? Thanks to Nippler3000, you always know when it's cold.
4. LEGS: Long enough to vault over snowdrifts on her way to the store to get Dutches. For you.
Extra Credit: Thank you, yoga.
5. HANDS: Her perfect afternoon involves making a batch of her mom's killer brownies, and her mom once dated Tommy Chong.
Extra Credit: Doesn't even need her hands—she's Bluetooth enabled, yadida-meeean?
6. BUTT: Firm enough that four months on the couch won't turn the apple bottom to applesauce.
Extra Credit: It's not exit-only.
Girl Photo: Jared Ryder / Hair: Josie for Dop Dop Salon / Makeup: Leora Edut for Ken Barboza.
Mercury Falling
MERCURY FALLING
Keep an eye on the temperature, lest you get stuck out in the cold. And what's colder than blue balls?
70 DEGREES: It's called "Indian Summer" because wind chills are waiting to throw a smallpox-infested blanket on your libido.
60 DEGREES: When's the last time you saw a sundress? Those joints are deeper in the closet than Lance Bass two years ago.
50 DEGREES: Trifey alert! Any girl showing skin when it's this cold is doing it to freeze off her genital warts.
40 DEGREES: It's now officially cold enough to call your dills Yung Berg.
30 DEGREES: Winter hats abound, which means your hopes for getting head are circulating the drain.
20 DEGREES: With all those ankle-length down jackets, you don't know if you're talking to a dime or a buck eighty-five.
10 DEGREES: You're all alone, and it's so cold that you skeet coconut Slush Puppie. Don't worry, it's always summer in Second Life.
Upgrade or New Blood
UPGRADE OR NEW BLOOD?
You've got two options: promote a casual summer fling to winter-exclusive status, or hunt for a new prospect.
UPGRADE...
Pros: You already know you're sexually compatible. Why buy a new cow when the milk, uh, gets delivered by reverse cowgirl?
In related news, you're far enough on the sex curve that you can graduate from Missionary 101 to filthier fare like Continental Breakfasts and the Jamaican Accordian.
Cons: What was once exciting twice a week becomes barely tolerable when it's your only option. Just like Thai food!
Winter will be over, but you can't back out so easily. Tail is like concrete: You can write your name on it when it's wet...but you don't wanna get stuck in it.
NEW BLOOD...
Pros: Novelty means more sex—and by the time the honeymoon period is over and you sink into bed death, it's spring!
She's still not tired of Billy Madison and bong hits. She even laughs when you tell her conditioner is better. What?! It leaves the hair silky and smooth!
Cons: You've got a new set of friends' names to try to remember—and they're all so alike that you're gonna refer to Kim as Kami and blow your shot at a threesome.
By the time you realize how effed-up this girl is, it's way too cold to option a new draft pick.
Present Tense
PRESENT TENSE
December means you're gonna have to give her something besides the best two minutes of her life. Just make sure you know what your gift says.
JEWELRY...
Necklace: "I've developed some unexpected feelings for you."
Choker: "I've developed some unexpected feelings for you, but don't tell anyone."
Leather choker: "I got you a saddle, too. Giddy-up!"
MEDIA...
Book: "I know you like to read and stuff, so keep this around in case I get on Xbox Live."
Gift certificate less than $100: "I don't know you that well, but you seem cool."
Gift certificate more than $300: "I still don't know you well, but I want some skullduggery. On film."
ATTIRE...
Lingerie in her size: "Put this on...and go get the butter."
Lingerie a size too small: "You're a nine, but you could stand to WiiPlay off some of those brownies."
Lingerie two sizes too small: "Get out, fatty. How did you not realize how passive-aggressive I am?"
Exit Strategy
EXIT STRATEGY
Spring comes fast. Start dropping these jewels in mid-February, and you'll be free by the Final Four.
"Sorry I didn't get you a Velentine's Day gift. At least you won't have to worry about that next year."
"I saw some shoes I was going to buy for you, but I didn't think they'd fit around your cankles."
"I was gonna have some of my buddies over to watch porn tonight. You gonna stick around, or...?"
"I'm thinking about starting a voyeur website. Is you D?"
"I'm off to the clinic...going to Rio in April, need to know what I go with and what I leave with."
"Have you ever considered vaginal rejuvenation?"
"Won't it be nice to not have to live out of your duffel bag anymore?"
"You look a little stir-crazy—you could use a long walk. Let me know how that goes."
