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At every stage of dating, it can be difficult to gage a women's expectations, but perhaps no junction is more confusing that the first date. After summoning the courage to actually ask her to hang out with you, you have to navigate the often complicated transaction at the end of dinner—who will pay the check?
A recent study found a not-so-surprising fact: Men want women to pick up the check more often, but felt anxiety asking her to do so. Does that mean you should hold off on paying for dates? Not so fast. Donna Barnes, relationship expert for ABC News' hit seriesWhat Would You Do?, dating advice guru on VH-1's Rock of Love Charm School and author of Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships weighs in on the issue. Here is her comprehensive guide to navigating who pays and when from the first date and beyond.
Do men always have to pay for the first date?
It is traditional, gentlemanly, and generous for the man to pay for the first date. Usually the second date, too. However, if you would like her to pay or at least split the check on future dates, set that tone when the check comes. Most women will make a gratuitous reach for their purse—this is your opportunity. Say something like, “This one is on me, but maybe you can get the next one.” This will let her know she shouldn’t expect you to pay for everything; you’re looking for a partner. If a woman is just looking to be taken care of, you’ll have saved yourself from wasting valuable time and money.
Whoever is going to pay should pick the venue.
If you want your date to split the check, then you have to let her choose where you go. Don’t assume that she can afford the same restaurants that you can. If she hasn’t offered to pay, try taking her somewhere fun but inexpensive, then don’t reach for the check when it comes. Most women will try to get smaller expenses like a round of drinks, cabs, coffee, or even breakfast if you give them the chance.
Paying doesn’t guarantee you anything.
Women have told me they felt obligated to kiss their date good night because he paid for the meal. But do you want a woman to kiss you if she doesn’t really want to? As the night is coming to an end make some sort of affectionate move to gauge if she’s interested. Make direct eye contact and see if she’ll hold your gaze. Touch her arm, put your hand in the small of her back, or hold her hand as you walk out of the restaurant. If she pulls away or doesn’t engage with you that a sign she’s not interested. If she does kiss you but it’s awkward with no passion or tongue, sorry, she didn’t really want to kiss you. She was just being polite.
If you don’t want to see her again, you can let her pay.
If the woman offers to pay on the first date and you allow her to split the check or pick up the whole thing, she will most likely lose respect for you. It's controversial, but none the less, it's true. She will likely think you're cheap. Having said that, if you have no interest in seeing her again, there is nothing wrong with letting her split the check. Dating gets expensive, and if you can’t comfortably afford the whole check, allow her to help. Most women would rather split the check than feel obligated to a guy they’re not interested in.
What if she doesn’t ever try to pay?
You have let a few checks lie on the table, but she never pays for anything, now what? You need to ask her to take you out. Say something like, “I would really like it if you would treat me the next time we go out.” If she is having a hard time financially, this will give her an opening to tell you she can’t afford it. Then it's on you to decide if this relationship still works for you. If her situation is temporary, you could set a boundary so it's understood that when she's financially stable again, you would like her to contribute more. But if she is just looking for you to take care of her, then you’ll have found that out, too. We're not saying most women have that aim (most don't) but it does happen occasionally.
If you make a lot more, you should pay more.
Relationships should be partnerships. If your woman makes less money than you, she can’t contribute as much financially. That doesn’t mean she can’t be an equal partner. She should contribute in other ways to make up for it. Make sure you do not overlook all the things she does to make you feel loved, and the time she spends making life easier for you. However, if you’re feeling taken advantage of, you need to talk about it. Do not belittle her or make her feel bad about her income. Instead start a meaningful discussion about finances and your expectations for one another.
What if you can’t afford to date?
You don’t need to sit home by yourself if you’re not making much money. Try looking online; just don’t fill in your financial information. You can communicate and get to know someone via the phone, web chat, and email without spending any money. By the time you’re ready to meet, you should have a good idea if you’re right for each other or not. She should also be more understanding about your situation—if she’s not, she’s not the right one!
What if you forget your wallet or your credit card is declined?
Humor is always the best tension reliever. If your credit card is declined or you genuinely forgot your wallet don’t get upset or be embarrassed. It can happen to the best of us. Brush it off and make a joke if you can. If she doesn’t offer to pay excuse yourself to find a cash machine. If she does pay, insist on going to a cash machine after and reimburse her. If she doesn’t allow you to reimburse her, that’s your opening to ask her out again—and the next time make sure you take cash!
If she makes more money, don’t let her emasculate you.
Do not try to compete with her financially. Graciously accept what she pays for; then put effort into doing things for her that are more thoughtful than expensive. Cook her dinner, surprise her with small gifts, and handwrite love letters. Make her feel loved and she won’t care about the money—so neither should you. Money does not define who you are.
Once you’re committed, you need to talk about money.
Once you’re in a committed relationship you need to have open conversations about money. Everyone gets their blueprint of how they handle their finances from their parents. If you have an expectation, you need to share it with your partner, and you need to learn what her expectations are. Set boundaries for who will pay for what and reach a mutual understanding.
