Lead
There are all sorts of first date anxieties: what to do, where to eat, what to wear, even who's going to pay. But all those hang-ups are secondary to the biggest first date anxiety of them all: Am I going to be hanging out naked with this girl later? We'll leave all the "What does it say about a girl if she gives it up on the first date" nonsense for some other publication, because a) we know it happens (a lot), and b) we already know what it says about her: we want her number! But how to you know if you'll see the holy grail tonight? Here are 10 Ways to Tell You Might Get Laid on the First Date.
No Underwear
10. She's Not Wearing Underwear
How will you know this? Well, if you have to ask, stop reading the list now, because you have no chance. But if you do know how to ascertain this, and you're able to confirm that your date is sans unmentionables, then you're likely in good shape. If it's really f*cking hot, it could be that she's going commando for comfort alone, but if that's the case you'll be treated to such a show that you'll have no trouble laying yourself later should the need arise (puns always intended).
Of course there's also the occasion when she shows you—literally shows you—that she’s not wearing underwear. This is called the Basic Instinct, and it is fail-proof.
Below the Table
9. Knee-to-Knee Contact
Obviously this is a summertime clue (if you're touching bare knees in February you're already there), but it's pretty much fool proof. In the movie theater, she sits close enough to your seat that her knee lays against yours. Maybe in the restaurant she’s moved her bottom all the way to the lip of her seat, and underneath the table, in a place neither of you can see, her bare knee touches yours. If she wants to touch you in public, probably she'll want to touch you later.
Use the following handy-dandy guide to knee-to-knee contact:
-One brush: She may be up for exploring other clothes-free contact later; she may also just be clumsy. Be alert, but don't get your hopes too high.
-Two brushes: This is a good sign, but she also might be really, really clumsy. Stay tuned.
-Three brushes: It's on. Maybe she's really, really, really clumsy, but yeah, it's on. Just in case she is extra klutzy, think about getting some extra pillows to pad the area around your bed.
How Near
8. She Wants to Show You Her Apartment
Though you try hard to turn the conversation to subjects that illuminate the more excellent parts of your personality (and give her plenty of opportunities to do the same) she only wants to tell you how close her apartment is. Like, she’s laid a map out on the coffee shop’s table and is indicating with tools she must’ve stolen from a cartographer how long it would take for the two of you to get there. She’s giving you the distance in terms of miles, feet, clicks—shit you’ve never even heard of. And you’re still trying to wheel the conversation back to whether Watch The Throne is in fact a rat’s nest of glittering banalities, poor taste, and the ugliness of late capitalism. Enough, Otis, it's time to hail a cab.
All Straws
7. All Straws, All The Time
She’s ordered her second glass of wine, and like the margarita she opened the date with, she’s drinking it with a straw. She’s chugging beverage after beverage with her lips wrapped around a straw every time.
A few things:
- You’re going to have sex.
- She is probably an alcoholic, or at least a frazzled ball of social anxiety.
- You might get puked on. Sooner rather than later.
Photo by Alice Marie
Head to Crotch
6. "Um, Eyes Up Here, Please?"
She's either fascinated by your belt buckle or she's staring at your crotch. Problem (more accurately, not problem)? You're not wearing a belt! This is a nice date, you really should be wearing a belt, but if you're not, and that's where her eyes are, then you've somehow aced the test (but really, next time, wear a belt).
Out of Town
5. She Keeps Mentioning That Her Roommate Is Out of Town
This could help tip you off before the date even starts:
You: "So, you wanna see The Smurfs or Conan the Barbarian?"
Her: "Did I mention my roommate left for Greenland this morning?"
Pretty clear that she's trying to tell you a couple things: 1. There's no need for the hat on the door trick at her place tonight. 2. Her roommate is some kinda uptight environmentalist type, and now that Debbie Downer's off saving seals, it's your turn to score some pelt.
Dirty Lyrics
4. Lip-Sync Game Vicious
You hit the club after dinner and a movie. A set of '90s songs comes on. Then this track is played. She knows the lyrics (you know, the "now I throw lips to the shit" and "take it in the butt" parts). And she's singing along. Loudly. Yes, this is happening.
Talks
3. She Talks About Sex. A Lot.
Forget knowing the lyrics, this girl knows the statistics. She knows every one of Cosmo's "Sex Moves to Drive Him Wild Tonight" and there are about 10 trillion of those. She also knows what she wants, and she's not afraid to talk about it at dinner, in a "forget the sushi boat, I'd like to see how you handle the little man in the boat" sort of way.
Porno
2. She Takes You to a Porno
Remember that scene from Taxi Driver where Robert De Niro's Travis Bickle thinks that Swedish Marriage Manual is a totally appropriate first-date flick? Well, it's just like that, except you're the Cybill Shepherd character and she's Travis Bickle (minus the army jacket, mohawk, and Vietnam-addled nerves, we hope).
Chaser
1. Yes Chaser
She chases her first drink with a morning-after pill. This is hardcore. No number of hours spent listening to "What's Your Fantasy" has prepared you for the grown man business you're about to get into. Pray that the spirit and zest of Uncle Luke can somehow touch you in the coming hours. Good luck.
