No awards show actually matters. It's refreshing that the Kids' Choice Awards doesn't even pretend to try. While the Oscars wraps itself in the trappings of Hollywood mythology to hide its thin program and the VMAs behave like anyone cares about MTV beyond a twerk here and there, the Kids' Choice Awards are upfront at every turn. This is a venue for shamelessly plugging upcoming films and selling sugary breakfast cereal to innocent children—nothing more.
Children must love the Kids' Choice Awards. Nickelodeon manages to get real star-wattage from film, music, sports, and even professional wrestling. Rather than allow these stars to give indulgent speeches or be montaged into something that is supposed to have meaning with a capital "M," they speak as few sentences as their PR people demand and then get slimed.
Watching the Kids' Choice Awards as an adult is a strange thing. You can see the cracks. You notice just how stage-mother-prepared the child stars are. You can't help but see the desperation in the eyes of fading older stars whose song and dance only works on the kids these days. But rather than dwell on the KCA's meaning in the broader culture, we'd rather snark on it. Here is everything we learned from the Kids' Choice Awards.