Love me Tinder. Where eHarmony and Match succeeded by serving the khaki pants-wearing divorced bank teller crowd, and OKCupid made its bones catering to the wannabe Suicide Girl in all of us, Tinder is there for the drunk and horny, wherever they may be. There’s only one problem. There are a lot more drunk, horny guys than drunk, horny girls trolling for strange on the web. While most guys’ Tinder inboxes receive a message or two once in a blue moon, many women could be scheduling enough anonymous sex to fill a forty-hour work week. If you are a man, your odds of igniting Tinder flames are lower; thus we are here to help you stack the kindling in your favor.
All you have on Tinder is your profile picture. Sure, you get a pithy statement of interest, but nobody reads that shit, and odds are you tried to sound deep and just ended up sounding stupid. No, Tinder is all about pics, and those pictures don’t just need to be worth a thousand words. Those pics need to be worth a trip to the bar to meet up with a stranger. Get ready to find lust in a hopeless place (the Internet); this is A Man’s Guide to Choosing Tinder Profile Pics.
Love me Tinder. Where eHarmony and Match succeeded by serving the khaki pants-wearing divorced bank teller crowd, and OKCupid made its bones catering to the wannabe Suicide Girl in all of us, Tinder is there for the drunk and horny, wherever they may be. There’s only one problem. There are a lot more drunk, horny guys than drunk, horny girls trolling for strange on the web. While most guys’ Tinder inboxes receive a message or two once in a blue moon, many women could be scheduling enough anonymous sex to fill a forty-hour work week. If you are a man, your odds of igniting Tinder flames are lower; thus we are here to help you stack the kindling in your favor.
All you have on Tinder is your profile picture. Sure, you get a pithy statement of interest, but nobody reads that shit, and odds are you tried to sound deep and just ended up sounding stupid. No, Tinder is all about pics, and those pictures don’t just need to be worth a thousand words. Those pics need to be worth a trip to the bar to meet up with a stranger. Get ready to find lust in a hopeless place (the Internet); this is A Man’s Guide to Choosing Tinder Profile Pics.
Don't Post a Pic of You and Your Ex
We'll address this first because it should go without saying. Unless you're an airline, you shouldn't be advertising your baggage situation. There are so many guys and girls on Tinder who put up photos with an attractive member of the opposite sex. What is the point? Did you think that no one would believe that you've ever been in the company of another woman before? Is this an attempt at a "look I'm datable" seal of approval? Whatever your motives, resist the urge. A potential match is just going to have flashbacks to the time she was fucking that married guy and woke up to find a copy of The Scarlet letter with a butcher knife through it on her doorstep. Keep your exes where they belong: in the past and out of your pics.
Do Include a Pic With Your Pet
Man's best friend is always man's best wingman. Including a picture with a baby will either play as "trying to hard" or "damaged goods" (unless it is actually you're kid, then you do you). But, a picture with a beloved pet can go far. It shows you're sensitive and caring, and the cuteness of your pug could distract from the ugliness of your mug. Sure, you might lose a couple ladies who have canine or feline allergies, but the potential gains far outweigh the risks. Offer to dog sit for your buddy next time he goes out of town, and make sure to schedule a puppy photoshoot. It's simple really: care for the pooch, get the cooch.
Don't Include More Than One "Quirky Picture"
A big trend across social media and dating sites is showing the world just how fun and weird and spontaneous you are. Apparently, one photo of you riding a unicycle or dressed as a Pixar character for Halloween is enough to show us just how much of a free spirit you are. It is totally understandable if you want to include one such picture in your profile. We will not hate the player as we continue to hate the game. But, don't lay it on too hard with the schmaltz; this is a dating profile, not the program for your vaudevillian one-man show. You get one off-beat photo to show just how much of an individual you are, and it should be placed at the end of your series, as punctuation to a few photos that allow ladies to properly objectify you.
Don't Just Include Party Photos
Partying is like the beach and sex: everyone likes it so there is no need to talk about how much you like it. Resist the urge to show the world that you are a beer pong master or keg stand king. You are looking for casual sex with strangers; odds are you are a pretty outgoing guy. So, there is no need to demonstrate your red solo cup credentials. Yes, you're going to fuck, but there's a chance the lady would like to have something resembling intelligent conversation before, during, or after. Most women expect to talk about something other than Edward Forty-Hands post-coitus, so see if you can't muster up just an ounce of class in those profile pics.
Don't Use Group Pictures
Even if you are a modern-day Adonis, Tinder group pics will make a girl second-guess you. Group pictures are the go-to move of self-conscious ladies on Tinder. Many lovely women rely on the cheerleader effect to up their hotness rating; they know that game. Even if you are more Mr. Hyde than Dr. Jekyll, this is the moment to show the ladies that you are confident in who you are, just as I just confidently made a musical theatre reference in a men's mag. It should only be you in the picture, and maybe your cute dog or cat.
Do Keep Your Shirt On
You've been doing the ab roller like a boss. Congratulations. You've finally incorporated a little cardio into your years of a strictly bench and biceps gym regimen. You finally have a six-pack. No matter how many bags of Doritos you skipped to get it, you should still should keep that shit under wraps. Though no sane woman on Tinder expects to bring you home to mom, you shouldn't give the impression that you are a 24/7 meat market. If you want to give potential suitors tickets to the gun show, wear a tight shirt, post a picture where you "happen to be flexing your muscles" while helping a friend move, or find some other way to subtly show off your assets. There are all sorts of ways to display your physique without posting pics from the time you went skins in your recreational Frisbee league. If you've got real muscles, don't worry, they will still be evident underneath your v-neck.
Don't Post "Model Shots" (Unless You're a Model)
Every female under the age of 35 has had a horny photography student do a Terry Richardson inspired black and white series of her wearing horn-rimmed glasses and knee socks in a bathtub at one point or another. When a man puts evidence of a Zoolander style photoshoot in their profile, it tells us they went to great lengths to get their glamour shots. That's just going to make you look vain. If you have a buddy who is willing to take some photos of your good side (and then use Photoshop to make it actually your good side), by all means be our guest. Just ask your boy to keep the shoot natural enough that it doesn't look too staged. These aren't headshots. Hell, these aren't even LinkedIn profile pics. Easy on the ocular highlights and black-and-white filters.
Don't Use A Selfie
If you have the time to go trolling for semi-anonymous Internet-initiated sex, you have the time to have someone take your picture. This is not the place for bathroom selfies. Save those for Snapchat, you dick-pic loving son of a gun. It's simple really: pick up your iPhone, walk into the living room, ask your roommate to take your picture, make him take it again, and this time actually fucking try, and then you're set. Remember, friends don't let friends post selfies on Tinder. And you shouldn't wish a shirtless selfie on your worst enemy.
Do Show Yourself Being Excellent
In the 2000 film The Tao of Steve, Donal Logue's character has three rules for seduction. The second always stuck with me: be excellent. It doesn't matter what you're good at, but don't be afraid to toss in a picture of yourself doing what you love. If you're a lax bro, an outdoorsman, a chess master, or LARPer (okay, not a LARPer) show that there is more to your life than booze and sex. Of course, if you are a brewer or own a sex toy shop, those rules don't apply to you. The point is that she is going to look at one hundred pictures of flannel-shirted, five o'clock shadowed dudes standing in front of faded murals. Offer something a bit more individual than your best J.Crew catalogue shot and maybe you'll get a chance to practice your other favorite hobby tonight.
Do Avoid Bragging
I know what you're thinking. He just told me to be excellent. There is a fine-line between being excellent and looking like the "Gaston" number from Beauty and the Beast (second musical reference in one article. Fuck. I promise I'll listen to Rick Ross after I'm finished writing this or something). For example, it's okay to have a picture from when you ran that marathon, but spare us the photo with the medal around your neck. It's cool to have a photo with a suit and a briefcase, but spare of the pic of you pointing at your name plaque on the door. If you happen to be the star of the Harry Potter franchise, maybe post a shot from your Broadway turn in Equus instead (just not the nudie pics, Danny). It's okay to share your interests with the world, but save your accomplishments for your résumé.
