The 25 Worst Christmas Movies of All Time

There is really only one good reason to make a movie, just as there is only one good reason to write a novel, paint a picture, or compose a symphony: Some idea, some notion, some feeling stirs in the creator the need to express what is within to the world.

Unfortunately, Hollywood could give a shit about artistic expression. All year long, the movie industry pumps out whatever fluff promises the greatest return on investment, and not even the spirit of Christmas, which is supposed to be more meaningful than bottom lines and dollar signs, can change that.

The stakes are high during the holidays. A hit like It's A Wonderful Life, A Christmas Story, or Elf can run on cable forever and net everyone involved lots of cash. There are, however, lots of awful films left strewn in their path, reserved for bargain bins even during the holidays. These are those films that are good for little more than stocking stuffers. These are the cinematic versions of those terrible toys you got when you were a tot. These are The 25 Worst Christmas Movies of All Time.

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Written by Brenden Gallagher (@muddycreekU)

Director: Arlene Sanford
Stars: Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Jessica Biel
Shitty Gift Equivalent: A cross-country ticket on a Greyhound bus.

Who knew that between JTT and Jessica Biel, Biel would end up the movie star? Certainly not your sister. JTT was Tiger Beat bait during his Home Improvement years, and this was one of many crass attempts to cash in on his tween sex appeal.

It would be hard for even his most ardent fangirls to get behind I'll Be Home for Christmas. You see, JTT's character Jake has to get home, from Cali back to New York, for Christmas dinner or his daddy won't gift him a vintage Porsche. We can hear your heartstrings being tugged just hearing that.

After Home Improvement and a string of crappy Disney films, JTT left the hearts and minds of Generation Y as they grew into a love for more mature figures like Ryan Gosling. Don't feel bad for the dude though, he has studied at Harvard, St. Andrew's, and Columbia, so we feel like he'll be just fine.

Director: John R. Cherry III
Stars: Jim Varney, Douglas Seale, Oliver Clark, Noelle Parker
Shitty Gift Equivalent: Studying Shakespeare, performing Coward, and then spending your entire adult life playing an ad company created clown.

His films are not masterpieces, but we admittedly have a soft spot for the work of Ernest P. Worrell as portrayed by the late Jim Varney. So, apparently, did the rest of America.

Ernest was created by advertising company Carden and Cherry to sell things like Dairy Products and used cars. Varney's initial spots were a hit and soon he was placed in national spots for big name products, a TV show, and finally his own series of feature films, including Ernest Saves Christmas, in which he helps Santa Claus find a successor.

Varney was a classically trained actor, though he was still best known as Ernest when died at the age of 50 of lung cancer, his life's dream of playing Hamlet unfulfilled. Shortly before he died, Varney said this, "I've had Ernest in my pocket all this time, and he's always been something I can go back to and make a living. I would like to do some new techniques, stories that haven't been done before. I want to be artsy-craftsy and get into my Orson Welles stage." Rest in peace, Jim.

Director: Joe Roth
Stars: Tim Allen, Jamie Lee Curtis, Dan Aykroyd, M. Emmet Walsh
Shitty Gift Equivalent: Lifetime chairmanship of the block's Holiday Committee.

It seems that Hollywood loves nothing more than to produce paeans to commercialism under the guise of learning the true meaning of Christmas. Shaken into an absurdly deep bout of Empty Nest Syndrome by the departure of their daughter for the Peace Corps, Nora and Luther Krank (Jamie Lee Curtis and Christmas movie mainstay/reformed coke dealer Tim Allen) decide to save the money they would have spent on the holiday for a cruise. Their choice sends predictable shock waves through the community.

While this is supposed to remind us of how Christmas is a time of community togetherness, it reminds us how people in the suburbs need to get a life and mind their own business. The ending (SPOILER ALERT, but not really) involves Tim Allen learning the true meaning of Christmas from some woman with cancer, which is apparently the only possible ending to such a film.

Director: Robert Vince
Stars: Craig Anton, Andrew Astor, Charisse Baker
Shitty Gift Equivalent: A litter of athletic Golden Retrievers with bladder control issues.

Santa Buddies comes with an esteemed pedigree. This is the fourth film in the "Air Buddies" spin-off series of the nine-film Air Bud franchise. Wow. At Complex Pop Culture, we are always awaiting new Air Bud Movies. We go to midnight showings in our Air Bud "furrie" get-ups hoping to score with fellow "BudHeads" (That's what we call ourselves.). [Author's Note: A buddy of mine once suggested scripting a film where Air Bud plays a hot-shot attorney entitled Air Bud: Attorney At Paw, and I really wanted to shoehorn that joke in here somehow.]

This particular chapter in the illustrious Air Bud saga provides everything you have come to expect from these films: namely, dogs doing human stuff...lots of dogs doing human stuff. Oh, and (SPOILER ALERT) they do some reindeer stuff, too.

Director: Catherine Hardwicke
Stars: Keisha Castle-Hughes, Oscar Isaac, Hiam Abbass
Shitty Gift Equivalent: A gift certificate to Applebee's, to be shared with your childhood Sunday School Teacher, where she will ask you if you "still abstain from pre-marital sex."

We assume even those of you brought up in hippie-ass, non-religious homes know the plot of this one, so we can skip over that. It's just the Biblical story with way more "wise men" action.

The film lives up to the low expectations that come with Biblical movies—and will likely only live on in church movie libraries—but it will be remembered for a strange coincidence. Keisha Castle-Hughes, who you may remember as the Whale Rider in Whale Rider, found out she was pregnant while filming her portrayal of Mary. The not-so-virgin birth stirred up controversy among people who really ought to have better things to do.

If you are one of those people, you can read about her experience on this celebrity baby blog. If you do so, please consider your permission to view any content on our site rescinded.

Director: David Winkler
Stars: Shannen Doherty, Ty Olsson, Conrad Coats
Shitty Gift Equivalent: Shannen Doherty.

One of our favorite tropes on film is when criminals, who are supposed to have been good at their "job," make stupid mistakes as soon as the film begins. After a con gone bad draws media attention, Cate Dove (Doherty) elects to return to her childhood neighborhood in Connecticut and babysit her niece and nephew while laying low.

While staffers at Complex's NYC offices do everything they can to avoid going to Connecticut, particularly if they have family there, it is by no mean's an out-of-the-way backwater state. ESPN is there for God's sake, as well as...other stuff?

Anyway, we're no crime experts, but don't you usually want to distance yourself from your identity when laying low rather than chilling with family? Also, her childhood town is called Comfort—oh sweet sweet irony. Even with witty banter that produces lines like "I've always wondered it Santa wears boxers or briefs" (Wasn't that gag played out by '92?), not much is done to counter the weakness of the feeble plot.

Director: John D. Hancock
Stars: Sam Elliott, Cloris Leachman, Rutanya Alda, Abe Vigoda
Shitty Gift Equivalent: A worn leather belt (because that's the only way we connected with our emotionally distant fathers).

After Jessica's (Rebecca Harrell Tickell) mother dies, her father, played by token cow poke par excellence and mustache king Sam Elliott, grows even more emotionally distant. All of that somehow slowly begins to change when young Jessica finds a wounded reindeer in the woods, who she believes fell from Santa's sleigh.

Believe us, it takes a lot more than a deer in the woods to connect with a repressed, hardass father. He would likely poach it and cook up venison burgers. Perhaps we would bond over how much we appreciate the "game-y taste" as a change of pace from your everyday patties, but that is about the extent of it.

Director: Seth Gordon
Stars: Reese Witherspoon, Vince Vaughn, Mary Steenburgen, Robert Duvall, Sissy Spacek, Jon Voight
Shitty Gift Equivalent: A weekend getaway...with the in-laws.

We are all for the slice-of-life, gritty realism that you find in many memorable low-budget and foreign films. Some mundane, everyday experiences, however, might not be worth an entire film. One such event is trying to make it to both your divorced parents' and your girl's divorced parents' place on Christmas (an obvious sign that your relationship will last forever and ever).

Not only does Four Christmases chronicle an unremarkable experience, but it also forces some sort of meaning out of a painful ritual that we are just supposed to grin and bear. And despite the relatively run-of-the-mill plot, the script goes out of its way to manufacture ridiculous circumstances in order to facilitate the story. But, again, as every other angle on the holiday has been exploited for media gain, they figured they might as well give this one a shot too.

Director: Roger Kumble
Stars: Ryan Reynolds, Amy Smart, Anna Faris, Chris Klein
Shitty Gift Equivalent: An audio compilation of lame teens complaining how they are always in the "friend zone."

It takes place during Christmas, but this Ryan Reynolds vehicle is less a "Christmas film" than it is a statement of complaint about the dreaded "friend zone." These movies always paint the "friend" in said "zone" sympathetically, but here's the thing: If you befriend a hot girl when what you really want is to get into her pants, you're the bad person, not her.

If you act like a confidante just so you can sniff her panty drawer when she walks out of the room, you are not in the right. It doesn't matter if you are overweight or a nerd—you aren't treating her like a real person. Just like this movie, you're trying to be something you're not, bro. Give it up.

Director: David Steiman
Stars: Bill Goldberg, Douglas Smith, Emilie de Ravin
Shitty Gift Equivalent: A book on dating written by Brett Ratner.

This isn't the first time we say it, and certainly won't be the last, but, generally speaking, professional wrestlers make poor leading men. This is doubly true of Christmas movies. Even a director who was once an assistant to eloquent genius Brett Ratner can't overcome the long odds of making a truly great film starring a former great WWE star. When it comes to works of art detailing Santa's descent into madness and the inevitable ensuing killing spree, we'll take Weird Al's musical version any day.

Director: Rossano Brazzi
Stars: Rossano Brazzi, Paul Tripp, Mischa Auer
Shitty Gift Equivalent: An eviction notice.

Santa's behind on his rent again and his miser landlord is ready to collect. Now, we understand that the landlord is supposed to be the villain here, but come on, we all know that guy who walks around in red velour track suits, always buying things for people, trying to make himself look like he's got it like that. The guy's a deadbeat.

What does Santa do? He calls up the lawyer who wrote ol' St. Nick when he was younger, saying he would help if he ever needed anything. Yeah, just like the dude in your building who wears those track suits. You owe him a favor or some cash, he's at your door every damn day. You need something from him? He's a ghost.

Director: David Dobkin
Stars: Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Rachel Weisz, Kathy Bates
Shitty Gift Equivalent: A scrapbook of all the ways your older brother is better than you.

You know there are truly a finite number of potential Christmas movie plots when Hollywood wonders what's up with Santa Claus's also immortal younger brother who is a repo man in Chicago and wants to open an off-track betting shop. The results are about as good as could reasonably be expected from such a plot.

Those unfortunate enough to receive this on Blu-ray also got a bonus DVD of Ludacris's video of the cleverly titled "Ludachrismas." Reports indicate that the Ludacris video is the more thoughtful, entertaining artwork of the two. We'll let you be the judge.

Director: John Shepphird
Stars: Connie Sellecca, Corbin Bernsen, Cole Sprouse
Shitty Gift Equivalent: Pics of your girl cheating on you with a fat balding old man.

We've all had the same thought: "Man, that song about that kid's mom cheating on his dad with Santa needs to become a feature film." Your lips to God's ears. In this film, a little boy sees his mommy kissing Santa—well, his Dad dressed as Santa—and then vows to have his revenge.

He is quite naughty all year, doing everything in his power to make sure Santa skips his house next Christmas Eve. We would have preferred a film where Santa actually destroyed a marriage and young Justin had to come to grips with having a single Mom. No, Santa would never become his step-dad. You know he can't be tamed and has a couple thousand women in every town.

Director: Brian Levant
Stars: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sinbad, Phil Hartman
Shitty Gift Equivalent: A shopping tour of the Mall of America with all the females of your extended family.

If you truly want to witness an acting clinic, check out the performances in Jingle All the Way. Reports from the film's production tell us that action superstar Arnold Schwarzenegger was drawn to the role because he had "experienced last minute Christmas shopping himself." We are thrilled that his method preparation was able to be infused into this masterful performance alongside the immortal Sinbad.

Furthermore, as Sinbad generally only improvises on film, Arnold also tried his hand at making up lines as he felt them organically. The give and take between them is what make this celebration of commercialism a success on the level of Citizen Kane or The Godfather.

Director: John Whitesell
Stars: Danny DeVito, Matthew Broderick, Kristin Davis, Kristin Chenoweth
Shitty Gift Equivalent: Partial blindness from a Christmas light voltage overdose.

What do these three facts have in common? One: This film, about neighbors competing to have the most garishly decorated house, was first titled "All Lit Up" and then "Wreck the Halls" before finally arriving at its final title, "Deck the Halls." Two: Matthew Broderick trained for several months to prepare for the "speed skating" scene in the film. Three: Kristin Davis reportedly agonized over being cast as Matthew Broderick's wife in the film, even going as far as to seek permission from Broderick's wife, Sarah Jessica Parker, and lobbying for changes in the film's "sexual" scenes.

The answer: All three facts illustrate how much time and energy can be spent on an utterly worthless cinematic endeavor.

Director: Glen Morgan
Stars: Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacy Chabert, Katie Cassidy
Shitty Gift Equivalent: A candy cane shiv through the neck.

Sorority houses need better security. It seems like every time you see a sorority house on film, these poor, beautiful ladies are doomed. If they aren't being killed, they are being ogled or screwed as is the case in Belushi's famous Peeping Tom scene from Animal House. And though the thought of the late John Belushi ogling your daughter's naked breasts isn't as bad as her death, it is relatively close.

We were shocked to find that this sorority slasher flick (a remake of Bob Clark's 1974 anti-holiday classic) drew the ire of a numerous religious and social groups, as the filmmakers were just following the rules of movies featuring sorority houses. One of the groups called "Operation Just Say 'Merry Christmas'" sells Livestrong-style bracelets that will make you look like an asshole in front of your Jewish friends.

Director: Jules Bass, Arthur Rankin Jr.
Stars: Red Buttons, Ethel Merman, Mickey Rooney, Shelley Winters
Shitty Gift Equivalent: Bad acid.

Sure, the amount of sequels produced each year in Hollywood has gotten out of hand, but Tinseltown execs have nothing on Rankin-Bass Productions, who went back to the Frosty/Rudolph well something like 10 times before creating this travesty. Rudolph and Frosty's Christmas in July is the Empire Strikes Back of Christmas claymation films.

First Rudolph's nose stops glowing when he is accused of theft, then Frosty is blackmailed into giving up his hat to the evil wizard king Winterbolt, who plans to use it to raise an evil snowman army. What is this, the Christopher Nolan reboot? This may shock you to hear this, but this was the last Rudolph/Frosty joint Rankin-Bass ever produced.

Director: David Zucker
Stars: Trace Adkins, Kelsey Grammer, Kevin P. Farley
Shitty Gift Equivalent: A visit from the racist uncle who listens to Rush Limbaugh and tells you to get a job even though you already have one.

Conservative comedy is rarely funny. If you find genuine humor in Larry the Cable Guy or those T-shirts that tell Obama to "Keep the Change," you are simply wrong. But the dregs of conservative comedy are not only unfunny, they are also offensive.

This retelling of the Christmas Carol with a Michael Moore caricature as Scrooge is certainly that. If a plot point in your film involves the Angel of Death, played by "Honky-Tonk Badonkadonk" singer Trace Adkins, guiding Scrooge on a tour of a futuristic Los Angeles completely taken over by radical Islamists, then we have a problem. The only time scenes like this are acceptable is when they come as show-within-a-show social commentary on South Park, The Simpsons, or the like. The fact that the creative mind behind Airplane! made this is enough to make us develop the serious kind of drinking problem.

Director: Mike Mitchell
Stars: Ben Affleck, James Gandolfini, Christina Applegate, Catherine O'Hara
Shitty Gift Equivalent: A Ben Affleck: Leading Man: 2000-2006 illustrated coffee table book.

We all know that Ben Affleck has made some awful movies. Your boy starred in Gigli, Reindeer Games, and Pearl Harbor in less than three years. This one might just be the worst. The movie was so bad that the studio didn't even flinch when asked to release it in October to avoid conflicting with Paycheck, Affleck's holiday blockbuster.

It is amazing that the touching plot of a bratty millionaire who bribes the family who now lives in his childhood home to play his parents for the holidays and then falls in love with their daughter didn't hit it big. We're not sure if Ben Affleck actually had an agent from 2000-2006 or was just paying off his end of a Faustian bargain with the Devil involving the success of Good Will Hunting.

Director: Troy Miler
Stars: Michael Keaton, Kelly Preston, Dweezil Zappa, Ahmet Zappa, Moon Unit Zappa
Shitty Gift Equivalent: A magical harmonica that brings your dead family members back to life as snowmen.

How many of you who grew up with asshole fathers dream of him being reincarnated as a snowman during the holidays? That's what we thought. While Jack Frost (yes, that is the name of Michael Keaton's character in this movie) is a selfish dick to his family, he does manage to give his son a magical harmonica that will bring him back to life as a snowman when he dies. Thanks Dad! This sure makes up for you missing all of my hockey games! Surprisingly, the film was a box office failure.

Director: Jeffrey Mandel
Stars: Dan Haggerty, Julie Austin, Deanna Lund
Shitty Gift Equivalent: A "Be the Victim in Your Very Own Pagan Ritual" kit.

This horror film doubles as a cautionary tale for all of the fathers out there: Don't let your kids perform pagan "Anti-Christmas" rituals in the woods.

Look, we know that these rituals are some of your favorite parts of Christmas time, but they never turn out well. It might just awaken an elf who is a central figure in a modern day, Neo-Nazi plot to bring about the master race, or rather, the race of half-human/half-elves that Hitler really wanted.

Luckily, in this film, Kristen, our wannabe Pagan heroine, runs into Mike, an alcoholic ex-cop turned mall Santa, but your daughter may not be so lucky. You have been warned.

Director: René Cardona
Stars: José Elías Moreno, Cesáro Quezadas "Pulgarcito," José Luis Aguirre "Trotsky"
Shitty Gift Equivalent: A machine that lets Santa Claus and Satan manipulate your dreams.

Presented without commentary: In this Mexican gem, St. Nick does battle with Satan. Though Santa is stuck in his Toyland Castle in outer space until Christmas Eve, he can remotely tap into the minds of little girls who are being tormented by Satan's minions.

This proves not to be enough to overcome Pitch, the wily demon-servant who is wrecking havoc on Mexico's children. Santa is given enchanted sleeping powder and a magical flower by Merlin (yes, that Merlin) and a key to Earth by Vulcan (yes, the Vulcan of Roman lore). Will he be able to make his usual Christmas rounds or will Pitch and the ruthless children of Mexico City be too much for him to handle? ¡Ay, caramba!

Director: John Murlowski
Stars: Hulk Hogan, Don Stark, Garrett Morris, Mila Kunis
Shitty Gift Equivalent: An Atomic Drop to the nads, brother.

Once again, with the exception of Andre the Giant's turn in The Princess Bride, professional wrestlers do not usually do well when they leave the squared circle for the silver screen. That didn't stop the Hulkster from perpetrating heinous cinematic crimes for over a decade, from Mr. Nanny to 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain.

In Santa with Muscles, which is perhaps Terry "Hulk" Hogan's finest work, he plays a millionaire who gets amnesia after falling down a garbage chute and believes he is Santa Claus. Ed Begley Jr. plays an ne'er-do-well businessman who hopes to close an orphanage in order to get to the magic crystals underneath. Old Royal Rumble VHS tapes from the '80s have a more believable and compelling story line than this.

Director: Lee Harry
Stars: Eric Freeman, James Newman, Elizatbeth Kaitan
Shitty Gift Equivalent: A trash can to be shot through.

A film with a title like this surely deserves a shitty sequel, and boy, did it get one. One of our favorite aspects of Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is that it uses ample footage from the original film in "flashbacks," which even the filmmakers admit was a cost-cutting move.

The film has been immortalized by the Internet, largely due to Eric Freeman's awful performance as murdering-brother-of-murderer Ricky Caldwell. Freeman's utterance of the phrase, "Garbage Day!" has lived on in meme form. The legendarily awful actor's delivery of the line also made a list of the top 10 cheesiest horror one-liners of all time.

Director: Nicholas Webster
Stars: John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck, Bill McCutcheon
Shitty Gift Equivalent: Anal probe.

Martians, much like us Earthlings, don't know a good thing when they see it. A wise man among the Martians decided that the tightly-wound kids of Mars need to learn how to cut loose. They kidnap the one man who can help them, Santa Claus. Makes sense to us. But then some opposition Martians try to kill him. Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth!

Not only is this the worst Christmas movie ever made, it is also considered among the worst films of all time. Its depths of ineptitude are so great that it has inspired novelizations, Internet homages, and musical adaptations. The film has even received the greatest honor that a bad film can earn, mockery on Mystery Science Theatre 3000.