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Everyone has books that they haul out of the basement or attic during the holidays to remind them of their childhood Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa experience. Your parents might even still read one aloud in front of the whole family. Perhaps you have taken the mantle of narrating these old standards for your little relatives during holiday get-togethers.
There are also those books that ended up in that box in your attic and you aren't sure exactly how they got there. Maybe they came in a two-for-one deal, were picked up by your mother on an overzealous Black Friday, or the ‘rents bought them at Borders during a going-out-of-business sale. And maybe they're unintentionally terrifying, or downright absurd, like jolly Saint Nick getting arrested.
The holidays are once again upon us and, in the spirit of charity, we wanted to shout out those quirky, weird, zany holiday books that didn’t quite make the cut of eternal holiday nostalgia, and maybe even ended up being donated to your local Goodwill. These are The 25 Most Ridiculous Holiday Children's Books.
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Written by Brenden Gallagher (@muddycreekU)
25. How Santa Lost his Job
Author: Stephen Krensky
Illustrator: S.D. Schindler
Published: 2004
So, maybe your brother lost his job this year, and his kids are having trouble coping with, or even understanding, the new changes in their life. Looks like it's time for their favorite book-loving uncle to come to the rescue with the gift of clarity.
In this book, Muckle, one of the younger elves, has developed a new way to deliver toys, and it looks like there is no place for St. Nick in this new world order. We are still waiting for our copy to arrive in the mail, but we are hoping for a scene where Santa dives head first into a bottle of Wild Turkey and starts screaming at Mrs. Claus about how "these days nobody has any goddamn loyalty."
24. What Does Santa Do on Boxing Day?
Author: Becky Plenderleith
Illustrator: Becky Plenderleith
Published: 2008
Have you ever wondered what Santa gets up to the day after Christmas? Yeah, neither have we. It's kind of like a movie about what the Hobbits do after they get back to the Shire or what Batman gets into between threats to Gotham. No one gives a damn. This is why we change the channel when athletes give interviews about their family life. We only care about the moment you earn in the spotlight, bro, don't try to prolong it.
23. Santa Claus Goes on a Diet
Author: Charlene Christie
Illustrator: Peipei
Published: 2012
We are down with Michelle Obama's healthy eating crusade. We are even somewhat down with Mayor Bloomberg's soda ban. But the very fabric of Christmas is caked in sugar and slathered in butter. Overzealous parents who want to make their children feel awful for being a little husky all year round now have a new piece of ammunition. Let us raise our yuletide celery sticks in joy.
22. Marvel Super Hero Squad: King of the North Pole
Author: Lisa Shea
Illustrator: Dario Brizuela
Published: 2012
What happens when Thor's archnemisis gets it into his head that he should rule the North Pole, and creates an army of Frost Giants to unseat Santa and his elves? An equally relevant question might be, with the constant stream of Marvel Universe films at the megaplex, how long until they've used and recycled every other superhero premise and this becomes a summer blockbuster starring Megan Fox as a sexy Mrs. Claus who just won't take it any more and Randy Quaid as her hapless husband?
21. Hershel and the Hanukkah Goblins
Author: Eric A. Kimmel
Illustrator: Trina Schart Hyman
Published: 1994
Speaking of compelling action film premises, get a load of the story of old Hershel. When a horde of holiday-hating hobgoblins are "destroying dreidels and pitching potato latkes on the floor," Hershel, armed with nothing more than pickles, eggs, and his trusty dreidel, is the only hope. This one is sure to keep you on the edge of your seat.
20. How Do Dinosaurs Say Happy Chanukah?
Author: Jane Yolen
Illustrator: Mark Teague
Published: 2012
After their first dinosaur-themed holiday book, How Do Dinosaurs Say Merry Christmas?, was a smashing success, Yolen and Teague follow-up with a brontosaurus' take on Chanukah. This text asks some of the tough questions that have been burning inside of us all, such as "Do [dinosaurs] fidget and fuss through candlelight prayer?" and "Does [a dinosaur] blow out the candles when no one is there?" Do tell.
19. The Night Santa Lost his Pants
Author: David Lorah
Illustrator: Nicholas Tish
Published: 2007
We witnessed the same experience chronicled in this book at our office holiday party last year, but there was nothing heart-warming, or even humorous, about it. We will really miss Steve from Accounting. It was funny, he was so quiet around the office, but I guess when you put on the red suit, it can really go to your head. In retrospect, when he said he "really shouldn't" have another shot of Johnny Walker, we should have listened....
Anyway, this book is ridiculous, but was illustrated by an 11-year-old boy and a portion of the proceeds go towards helping needy families, like Steve's family is now.
18. The Haunted Tea-Cosy: A Dispirited and Distasteful Diversion for Christmas
Author: Edward Gorey
Illustrator: Edward Gorey
Published: 1998
Children and adults alike find themselves drawn to the quirky, morbid work of Edward Gorey. Given his playfully macabre sensibility, it only makes sense that his first book in 25 years would be a strange spin on A Christmas Carol. Featuring the "Spectre of Christmas that Never Was" and the "Spectre of Christmas that Isn't," this is the kind of book for that kid who thinks they're "too old" for child's stories or "too cool" to chill with the extended fam.
17. A Christmas Memory
Author: Truman Capote
Illustrator: n/a
Published: 1956
Granted, this touching chronicle of Capote's Alabama childhood isn't itself too ridiculous. Anyone who has read In Cold Blood or seen Capote might have a tough time reading this one to the little tykes around the tree, though.
Even the most cynical writers, it seems, can find heartwarming moments. If you find your heart melting too fast while indulging your nostalgic side with A Christmas Memory, remember Capote was the man who said, "Finishing a book is just like if you took a child out in the backyard and shot it."
16. The Flying Canoe: A Christmas Story
Author: Eric A. Kimmel
Illustrator: Daniel San Souci
Published: 2011
That's right, folks: From the author of Hershel and the Hanukkah Goblins comes the story your children have been waiting for. Some children prefer superheroes and others prefer goofy cartoon characters, but every child will be delighted by French-Canadian fur trappers in a flying boat!
A great obstacle stands in their way, however. Will they be able to stay quiet throughout their journey? If not, they will not reach their homeland. Don't worry. No spoilers here, as we know you've already dropped this one in your online shopping carts after reading that synopsis.
15. Carter and his Crazy Christmas Tree
Author: Steven Tuttle
Illustrator: Steven Tuttle
Published: 2012
We couldn't find too much about this book online. With a cover that is one of the trippiest things this side of a Phish concert and the book coming to us from the guy who wrote Pete and the Paranormal Pizza, this is sure to weird out any children in your extended family. But, hey, what do we know? This title is currently the 58,326th ranked e-book on Amazon and is sure to continue its meteoric rise up the Kindle charts.
14. Santa's Kwanzaa
Author: Garen Eileen Thomas
Illustrator: Guy Francis
Published: 2004
Isn't this against the rules? Can you take an icon from another holiday and appropriate it as your own? According to Garen Eileen Thomas, you can. This book tells the tale of "Santa Kwaz" who promptly celebrates Kwanzaa after he finishes delivering his gifts.
While the mixing of holidays is already a bit confusing, the book also assumes a relatively in-depth familiarity with Kwanzaa. There are dozens of books to give your tykes if you want to educate them about Kwanzaa—this just isn't one of them.
13. Zigazak!: A Magical Hanukkah Night
Author: Eric A. Kimmel
Illustrator: John Goodell
Published: 2001
Two monsters arrive in the town of Brisk to ruin Hanukkah. They don't do it with claws or fire-breathing, but rather with a magic word. The word "Zigazak!" makes driedels dance and latkes fly. A rabbi who has a magical power to see the good in things is the only man who can stop them. We are envious of this rabbi, as narcotics and alcohol are the only ways we can activate a similar magical power in ourselves.
12. Dawson's Creek: A Capeside Christmas
Author: C.J. Anders
Illustrator: n/a
Published: 2000
This one is more appropriate for tweens edging out of that picture book phase. If you are searching high and low for the perfect gift to help you relate to that angst-ridden teenager contemplating hanging herself from your family tree, this might be the right move.
Sure, she's never heard of Dawson's Creek, but certain things are timeless. If Boy Meets World can enjoy a reboot, why wouldn't your emotional young relative enjoy Dawson saving the town's Christmas Follies? If you were worried that there wouldn't be the requisite amount of teen romance, fear not, because when a "tremendous ice storm hits...frozen hearts begin to melt."
11. Who is Eating My House?
Author: Kristi Benton
Illustrator: Kristi Benton
Published: 2012
When we become mothers and fathers, we would love nothing more than than to read them a book that tells of the eating of a gingerbread house from the Gingerbread Man's point of view. We want our children to see the shame the cookie man would feel in not being able to keep a roof over his family's head and the take in the resolve that he and his family would find deep within when it comes time to rebuild.
In short, this is the kind of book that would written by a woman whose Amazon author page looks like this.
10. Attack of the Sugar Plum Fairies: A Story for Demented Children
Author: John H. Carroll
Illustrator: n/a
Published: 2011
We are all for developing little girls into young feminists. They might be facing the glass ceiling as soon as they open that first lemonade stand, so prepping them with a children's book is probably a good call.
In this Yuletide tale, the Sugar Plum Fairies have been held out of the Elven Labor Union (it is also never too early to teach the kids about solidarity, either), even though they are made to dance in skimpy clothing in the bitter cold of the North Pole at incredibly low wages. These fairies are mad as hell and they aren't going to take it anymore.
9. What Does Mrs. Claus Do?
Author: Kate Wharton
Illustrator: Christian Slade
Published: 2008
You've always wondered how Mrs. Claus spends her time, right? I mean, I know that we are kept up at night contemplating what athletes' and rappers' wives are doing. Wait no, we're not. It's not a sexist thing, we don't care what Meryl Streep, Nikki Minaj, or Brooklyn Decker's significant others are up to either. If you're banging the guy...you still ain't the guy.
8. Santa Cow Island
Author: Cooper Edens
Illustrator: Daniel Lane
Published: 1999
While the original 1998 Santa Cows was relatively charming and mildly ridiculous, telling the tale of 'Twas the Night Before Christmas but replacing Santa with bovine gift givers, the franchise really jumped the shark with this one. They followed this gem up with yet another sequel where the cows are Hollywood filmmakers, Santa Cow Studios. Rumor has it the series will take a darker turn with a Christopher Nolan reboot in 2015.
7. The Latke Who Couldn't Stop Screaming: A Christmas Story
Author: Lemony Snicket (Daniel Handler)
Illustrator: Lisa Brown
Published: 2007
We readily admit that the ridiculousness of this book is a bit more intentional than most of the others on the list. Still, this is in the running for most ridiculous titles in any library.
The Latke Who Couldn't Stop Screaming is a sharp discussion of the differences between Hanukkah and Christmas geared toward your not-yet-worldly little ones. Following a frustrated latke through a maze of narrow-minded Christmas trappings with seasoned dark, humorous children's author Daniel Handler (a.k.a. Lemony Snicket) at the helm makes this one book on the list that the whole family can enjoy—unironically.
6. Pennsylvania Dutch Night Before Christmas
Author: Chet Williams, James Rice
Illustrator: James Rice
Published: 2000
This is just one of the "Night Before Christmas" series books that reinvent 'Twas the Night Before Christmas with a relatively offensive cultural twist. It was hard to choose between this and the "Hillbilly," "Redneck," and "Cajun" takes on the classic Clement Clarke Moore poem featured in this collection.
So, let's just call this a shout-out to the entire series. If the young lad or lass on your list is too young for Breaking Amish, perhaps this is the best way introduce them to the bearded, suspender-wearing folk who only party like it's 1743.
5. The Twelve Days of Christmas in New Jersey
Author: Maraget Woollatt
Illustrator: Rich Rossi
Published: 2008
We found many worthy potential targets in publisher Sterling's "Twelve Days of Christmas in America" series: one can only imagine the hippie B.S. that must be contained in the Washington version and the redneckery that must come standard in the Oklahoma, South Carolina, and Texas tomes. Of course, we finally settled on New Jersey as the most ridiculous of the series.
Anyone who has spent even one day of Christmas in New Jersey knows that it is not something to be immortalized on the page. While we like a lot of the choices made here, including 7 Jersey Devils, 6 Sandy Castles, and 5 Golden Lighthouse beams, we have some suggestions of our own. How about three of the worst cities in America, two aging rock stars who are extremely overrated, and one Governor whose recent popularity makes us forget his distaste for the poor....
4. The Kvetch Who Stole Hanukkah
Author: Susan Isakoff Berlin
Illustrator: Peter Welling
Published: 2010
"The latkes smell bad, the dreidels make me dizzy, and to hear the children laugh puts me in a tizzy." —The Kvetch
We actually think this is a pretty clever send-up of the Dr. Seuss original, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, while also serving as a tongue-in-cheek commentary on the comparative lack of Hanukkah-themed children's books out there. That being said, that we live in a world where parody holiday children's books exist is amazing and ridiculous in its own right.
3. I Ate Billy on Christmas
Author: Roman Dirge
Illustrator: Steven Daily
Published: 2007
This the story of a girl who's older brother is eaten by a monster. It is also a story about her feeling that she is probably better off because of this. Rather than risking her neck to get her brother back, young Lumie focuses on enjoying the brotherless life and figuring out what to feed the monster that ate her sibling. On the positive side, this book teaches children the important lesson of pragmatism.
2. The Christmas Sweater: A Picture Book
Author: Glenn Beck, Kevin Balfe, Jason Wright, Chris Schoebinger
Illustrator: Brandon Dorman
Published: 2009
When we hear Glenn Beck's unrelenting vitriol, we think, "That dude needs to write a Christmas book." Well, he did, with the help of three other people (two helped with the novel, a third chipped in on the picture book version). Apparently the tale of a kid who's disappointed because his out-of-touch mother gives him a hand-knit sweater instead of the bike he really wants was too complex for just one author.
The book, which teaches us that sometimes "a sweater is more than just a sweater," should be under the tree of any burgeoning neo-cons on your Christmas list. If you can't get enough Glenn Beck, you can pick up his follow-up, The Snow Angel, or any of his dozen his adult books full of hate-mongering, deluded fascist drivel.
1. I Wish Daddy Didn't Drink So Much
Author: Judith Vigna
Illustrator: Judith Vigna
Published: 1998
Lest you think that this was a handy bit of Photoshop, check out the Amazon page, where you can buy that perfect gift for the uncle in your life who is destroying his own life and taking his family down with him. I Wish Daddy Didn't Drink So Much takes you on a journey with "young Lisa [who] share[s] her feelings and frustrations about the duality of her father's behavior, its immediate effect on their holiday celebration, and the long term-effects on her family." Merry fu*hic*ckin' Christmas.