12 Tips From Social Media Gurus That Are Complete Bullsh*t

Social media gurus are the insurance salesmen and used car dealers of the twenty-first century. No, strike that, actually they’re worse. Many of these self-styled experts are more like the snake oil salesmen of the 19th century, peddling cures that that don’t fix anything, blogging endlessly and saying nothing. Just like those old-timey elixir peddlers, sometime the cure can have worse consequences than the original symptoms. Sadly, many of the dumbest trends on Facebook and Twitter were actually recommended to companies and individuals by people they were paying. To enumerate the many offenses of these social media experts would take weeks, but let’s start with 12 Tips From Social Media Gurus That Are Complete Bullsh*t.

You don't have to be an early adopter of anything if you don't want to. Don't let the tech blogs pressure you. Social media posts take time and energy out of your valuable day. Why waste time that could be spent drinking beer or taking a walk on crafting a Google+ post? If you're doing anything beyond Twitter and Facebook, make sure you have a reason to be there. For example, if you don't take interesting pictures, Instagram may not be the best place for you. And if you don't like the feeling of dumping your resumé into a gaping digital maw, never to be seen again, LinkedIn may not be your jam.

#relevant. Being relevant only works if you actually have something relevant to say. Cluelessly adding to the social media noise around a topic is going to make you sound like an ass. Tweeting something like "Go mad for our Beeferoni during #MarchMadness" is only going to bring you real lifelong enemies and make it more difficult to sleep at night.

Time is money. Successful social media strategies take time. Therefore, spending tons of time on social media might not necessarily be the best use of your resources. If you find yourself scheduling tweets, whipping up blog posts, and seeking out perfect photo-ops for your Instagram filter for hours a day, take a step back. What are you getting out of all of this expended energy? How would your bottom line or your exposure really be altered if you took a step back? No one enjoys managing their social media accounts, so make sure you're at least getting something out of it.

"Some asshole you met once at a shitty party would like to add you to their network on LinkedIn." There is nothing worse than a LinkedIn email. There is nothing more disappointing than getting a half-dozen new Twitter followers and seeing that all of them are accounts with 100K+ followers that have the word "connect" in their Twitter bio. You know the guy on the street who shoves a flier into your hand that you immediately toss in the garbage when he's out of sight? If you add followers and friends just to see the numbers go up, you're being just about as effective as the flier man.

These feel so intrusive and weird. "Hey @muddycreekU. Thanks for the follow!!! :-) For more info about me and my –" DELETE. IGNORE. UNFOLLOW. If you follow me and I don't know you, I'll probably take the time to cruise your feed and see if you're worth the follow back. No spambot-y automatic message is going to make me click that button. In fact, these messages are the fastest way to get me to click "Unfollow."

This makes you look like a pussy. Anonymous comments are perhaps the worst thing about the Internet. I'm told to quit writing at least five times a week on these very pages (Joke's on them. I don't have ANY other marketable skills besides loading trucks, and this pays slightly better), but disabling comments means that the trolls win. Even if there is only one thoughtful comment for every ten mean-spirited trollings, the average audience member will skip through the hate and appreciate that you engage with the comments that matter.

Contrary to what your parents may have told you, yourself may not be that great. If "yourself" is a hot girl running, carefree, through a wheat(?) field, then sure, be that. Otherwise, give it some thought before you let your whole self hang out. The idea that your personal brand (eternally sorry for using that phrase) or your corporate identity can be an extension of yourself is nice, and can potentially work, but there are probably parts of yourself that you should hide from the Internet. Think about what you do well. That could be pithy phrases, cool photos, or insightful blog posts. Great, now, everything else, the things you don't do well, keep them to yourself.

Congratulations, a bunch of spambots, shills, and teenagers on #teamfollowback have boosted you over 100,000 followers. If you want to be successful on social media, you have to define success for yourself. If you decide that number of followers, or worse yet, that elusive metric of "engagement" is the only way you define success, you have already set yourself up for failure. Not only does begging for followers look cheap, but it doesn't even get you anywhere. As my grandmother always said, if you're going to whore yourself out, at least get something in return.

On the back of every ice cream container and bag of chips, there is a little blurb in a rustic font labeled "Our Story." It often tells the tale of two college buddies who started making some bullshit in their basement and then some corporation bought them out and started making way more of it. How inspiring. I remember reading one such story on the back of frozen Margarita tube that talked about how the co-founders "combined their love of the beach with their love of business." Of course, I proceeded to purchase the store's entire supply in order to support their grand vision.

There is no hard and fast rule for dealing with negative criticism. If you are being offered thoughtful negative criticism, then a response might be warranted. If the negativity is the result of a misunderstanding, clearing up the confusion could make you look good. However, trolls gonna troll, and unless you have a response that will own them, it may not be worth the trouble. Above is my favorite anonymous comment and editorial response that has appeared below any of my articles.

No, it's not funny, cute, or charming. It is weird and we don't like it. Though there are a few businesses that have pulled off the "I'm the cool brand that sounds like your quirky best friend" thing, most of them are just terrible. No, I don't want my laundry detergent making hashtag jokes. I don't want my frozen pizza chiming in about the important news of the day. I don't want my cereal wishing me a happy birthday. Corporate personhood is already terrible enough in terms of government legislation (Fuck Hobby Lobby, am I right ladies?), we don't need corporate personhood on Twitter too.

There are already too many videos, blog posts, and tweets to consume in a day, don't add one more just because you think you're supposed to. Believe it or not, the old saying that it's about quality not quantity holds true today. No, you shouldn't go weeks without posting anything or the web will think you've packed it all in for a life in a mountain commune. That being said, don't think that we need a vlog from you three times a day to remember that you still exist. People don't like wasting minutes of their life on content that isn't really saying anything when they could be catching up on the latest Twitter beefs or masturbating instead. Make whatever you create worth the time it takes people to consume it.