10 Ways The Internet Ruins Your Sex Life

Though the Internet has revolutionized the way we watch other people have sex, it can actually ruin your sex life. That may sound like just another Internet conspiracy, but think about it. Online dating means that you are easily replaceable if you underperform. The blogosphere is such that you are one Jezebel essay away from infamy every time you hop into the sack. If you're banging a Twitter personality, you’re sexual inadequacies could become a hashtag before you even finish the deed. Love has always been a battlefield, but now sex is a minefield because your partner has so many digital ways to blow up your spot. It's not all sex tapes and Craigslist ads folks. Here are 10 Ways the Internet Ruins Your Sex Life.

Though feminist blogs and corporations that pander to women are doing their best to populate the Internet with images of "real women," (which usually just means super models who put on ten pounds for the shoot btw) most of the Internet is still filled with images of women presented as unrealistic objects. Even the most mundane Google searches return pictures of busty babes in nurse outfits and co-eds wearing sports bras in yoga class. Because most of these images are carefully photoshopped, there is no way that any woman we actually sleep with could match these crazy standards of beauty the Internet creates for us. Sure, women feel the pressure of living in a society that expects them to conform to these images, but shouldn't we pity the men who have been conditioned to want a real life version of that busty anime character he saw on YouTube once?

Before the rise of online dating, women were limited to the shitty choice of men they came across in real life. All you had to do was be the best option available at the bar that night and you were on your way to a life with a woman way out of your league. Now, females can easily find guys who treat them like human beings rather than property and are way better looking than you. The moment a woman signs up for OKCupid, her inbox crashes. It's a wonder that men are able to perform at all when every woman is just one Tinder swipe away from calling in your understudy.

There are many ways to get laid thanks to the Internet. But, as the players in the audience know, there are also many ways to get caught sneaking around. If you leave Facebook open, one of your girlfriends might scan your messages. If you forgot to close Tinder, you may just light a fire under your relationship. If send a Snapchat of your dick to someone you love, she might screenshot it and send it to someone else you love. If you're going to juggle multiple partners at once, you can't even look at your phone around any of them without risking the chance that your erotic house of cards might come tumbling down.

Whenever your phone's not in your pocket, you feel emptiness where that phone used to be. As soon as you put down your phone to take a shower, you remember a killer tweet. The moment you plug your phone into the charger across the room, you remember there was that great article on Grantland Complex you forgot to read. Luckily, all of those obstacles can be overcome; all you have to do is grab your phone. When's the one time you can't grab your phone? During sex. If you go for your phone mid-coitus, your girl's going to think you're making a covert sex tape without permission. But no matter how good the sex is, sometimes you're just thinking about all the YouTube videos you're missing.

Finally, it's just you and your girl all alone. You move to the bed. She slips into something more comfortable. You turn out the lights. She lies right next to you. That's right, it's time to watch Mad Men. Netflix scarfs up most of the free time you have in life. Your fitness suffers; your hobbies suffer; and, let's face it, your sex life suffers. It's okay. It's natural. Binge-watching is something you and your partner need to do together. Just be safe; make sure you know when to call it quits. Pro tip: binge a show that is basically porn, like True Blood or Californication and your libido can't help but kick in.

Here are the facts: Time Warner Internet rarely works well. Their technicians give you a fifteen hour window that you have to be available for them to drop by and fix it. This means that you can't get down without fear that your monogamous sex life is about to turn into a really weird porno. That's right: if you are having sex and the Time Warner guy comes over, he is legally allowed to join in, no questions asked. It's in your wireless contract. Don't worry: if the Time Warner guy fucks your girlfriend, he has to give you a new modem, because that's how they fix every customer service problem.

No one likes to have sex while they're grieving. Well, some girls do, and those girls are the best. Stacey, I'm so sorry about your aunt ... Where was I? Right, so girls generally don't want to hook up while they're grieving. That was fine when people only really mourned family members and celebrities they actually gave a shit about. This week, the Internet produced dozens of emotional think pieces about a socialite, a 90-something year-old actor who hadn't done anything relevant in your lifetime, and a professional wrestler. Your newsfeed was clogged with remembrances of these celebs that the majority of your Facebook friends had never actually thought of until they read "23 Amazeballs Moments That Happen Before Mickey Rooney Totally Died' on BuzzFeed. Just plan for the possibility that everyone you know will be grief stricken for the rest of your life.

"25 Things That Drive Guys Totally Wild;" "37 Ways to Make Him Crazy in Bed;" "84 Sex Moves That Will Bring Him to the Brink of Erotic Insanity." Cosmo and the their copy cats are attempting to kill the male gender with unconventional sexual maneuvers! Now, when you just want to have normal, run-of-the-mill awesome sex, girls are going to try to put their fingers up your ass or put your leg behind their head or rub ice cubes on your balls. Thanks to list after list outlining ways to "spice up" bedroom behavior, for many women the bedroom has become a kinky laboratory. While there's nothing wrong with a little adventure, sometimes you just want to have sex without trying to reinvent the goddamn wheel.

Before the Internet, people with kinky fetishes thought they were the only ones who had those tendencies and suppressed those desires like a normal, unfulfilled person. Now, a quick Google search will yield a whole community of people into whatever fucked up thing you're into. Whether your lady wants you to rub peanut butter on her nipples and have you lick it off while barking like a dog or wants you to dress up in a princess costume while you take her from behind while singing "Some Day My Prince Will Come," she is going to find a group of people online who think it is a totally okay thing to do. As a culture, we've decided that if you can find four other freaks into the same freaky shit you like, then whatever depraved stuff you want to do is totally normal. We've entered a new frontier people. Sex will never be the same again.

She's probably going to blog about it. She's not a writer? Doesn't matter. The experience was pretty mundane? Guess what dawg, blog posts are pretty mundane. It's so hard to get experimental in the sack these days without it giving some millenial a transformational experience. Every time you try something even a little kinky, you open your laptop to see an essay about it on Huffington Post the next morning. If you sleep with a twenty-something, an essay about what your partner learned and how it made them a better person is pretty much guaranteed to show up on Thought Catalog, Nerve, or XOJane. Of course, if this happens, you can take solace in the fact that at least your O face isn't part of a GIF set on BuzzFeed.