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Welcome back to the Internet! You've spent a week or so holed up in your parents house using a Windows 95 computer at barbaric Wi-Fi speeds, and now you're ready to get back to the porn and kitten GIFs that make life worth living. Before you return to your full-time unpaid hobbies of Redditing, Wiki editing, and writing BuzzFeed Community posts, why don't you take a moment to reflect on the future of your beloved technology? We believe that 2014 will be a big year for tech, largely because every year since 1820 has been a big year for tech. But how? We're glad we forced you to ask that question. There are many things that will surprise us in 2014. Even the greatest prognosticators, from Nostrodaumus to Nate Silver, get it wrong sometimes. We can offer you a few things that we're pretty sure are going to happen in 2014, and if we're wrong, we're pretty confident you'll read so many Internet lists that you'll have forgotten about our predictions by end of business today. Without further ado, here are 10 Predictions for Technology in 2014.
People Finally Get Sick of LinkedIn
Raise your hand if you've ever gotten anything out of LinkedIn. Okay, Steve, the project manager from Boise, put your hand down, and ... great, no one is left with their hand up.
You have to wonder if there has ever been a website that helps so few that has been used by so many. LinkedIn banks on something dictators and Sarah Palin have leveraged for years: fear. Collectively, the Internet is afraid that if we take our resumés off of LinkedIn, we'll miss out on that message that we've been handed our dream job despite our complete lack of relevant connections. This may just be the year that we realized that the emperor of the online job market has no clothes.
But, we're going to keep our account open, you know, just in case, because why not, I mean, it can't hurt right?
More Tech IPOs for Rich People to Get Excited About
Twitter's IPO probably didn't affect you directly, unless you consider having to endure a bunch of terrible joke tweets as affecting you. Your rich uncle went through a whole range of emotions, similar to those experienced when you begin a relationship, before he bought in. First, he had no idea Twitter existed, and then he was nervous, scared, and flirtatious. Finally, he took the plunge. Then, he scored.
The unexpected success of Twitter and Facebook stock has set the stage for a bunch of IPOs. Forbes predicts IPOs from Dropbox, AirBnB, and Uber before year's end. Square is another buzzworthy IPO candidate. Who knows? If we're truly lucky, this will create a new tech bubble that our parent's can get involved in. Now they can gamble and lose our younger siblings' college funds just as they lost yours when the last tech bubble burst. It is the circle of life. Don't worry about your rich uncle; he will come out just fine, as always.
Wireless Internet Providers Continue to Suck
When will we be delivered from the tyranny of Wi-Fi companies? How long until we can stream Netflix without service interruptions or being told that we have the "turbo" package, but we're actually going to want "ultra turbo" if we want to check our email in a reasonable amount of time? Unless you live in Kansas City, Autin, Provo, or Palo Alto, you're going to have to wait a while for Google Fiber to liberate you. In the meantime, hold your router up to the Internet gods in supplication and hope that the day soon comes that the oppressive hand of Time Warner and its competitors see the light, or, more likely, get some legitimate competition.
BuzzFeed Remains Buzzworthy
BuzzFeed blowback shifted into high gear in 2013. The website got blasted for their smiles-only book review policy, Maddox put BuzzFeed in his crosshairs (with a poorly argued understanding of copyright law, but the video still went viral), and we all had a laugh at buzzfeedminusgifs. Despite taking heat from all sides, the listicle behemoth endured it all and remained stronger than ever. Haters and clones will continue to come at BuzzFeed in 2014, but the site will continue to be the go-to move for your friends from high school. The site's inevitable fall from grace won't happen because of indie blogger screeds; it will happen when a new shiny site comes along and captures the zeitgeist. Regardless of how badly those decrying the death of journalism, writing, and thought in general may wish for its failure, 2014 will be another literally next-level Amazeballs year that restores BuzzFeed's faith in its ability to turn a profit.
No One Buys A Smart Watch Except For Your Weird Cousin
"I love modern technology, but I hate the convenience of a phone, computer or tablet. Hey, remember watches? It was so great to have a clunky device attached to my wrist all the time. I really miss that. If only I could have the opportunity to awkwardly type and navigate with one hand on a very small screen!"
Obviously, we don't see this as a likely internal monologue for many consumers. We predict that regular watches will continue to be status symbols for aging rich people, and smart watches will be remembered as yet another chapter in the great book of tech inventions that no one asked for and few wanted.
Google Glass Becomes the New Fedora, Revolutionizing Creepy Weird Guy Culture
Perhaps Google Glass is a great idea, but house money is on people still being weirded out by the concept, at least for a few more years. For the time being, we predict that the Google Glass will remain a favorite of ComicCon attendees, Renaissance Faire regulars (only when they aren't at the Renaissance Faire of course, they totally aren't period), and anime fans. As with most things beloved in nerd culture, Google Glass will prove to be awesome, and in five years, bros will be wearing them. When this happens, there will be an app to tell if a girl is wearing thong or not. That's called progress, people.
Cable Does Something Desperate
Many Americans are an ESPN substitute away from dropping cable like a high school girlfriend over Thanksgiving break. Netflix and Hulu provide better content than all the other cable channels combined, and HBO is rumored to be close to offering a stand alone streaming service. This year, cable haters found a loophole that got them NFL Sunday Ticket, thanks to a lifehack of a Madden promotion, and we can't help but interpret this as a sign of things to come. Even our parents are starting to ditch the overpriced, inane cable channels in favor or Apple TV. It's adapt or die time for cable television. Expect some desperation moves for better or worse from cable giants in 2014.
Selfies Will Become Gauche
2013 was the year of the selfie, culminating in "selfie" being named Word of the Year. There has been much selfie soul searching in the past few weeks (take a listen to Linguist Geoff Nunberg's take courtesy of NPR's Fresh Air if you missed it). Popular opinion seems to be that selfies are a narcissistic tool of teenagers aiming to make the opposite sex as thirsty as possible. We're already starting to see selfie backlash among adults, a sentiment that selfies make you look a bit vain and a bit naive. Tumblrs like selfiesatfunerals highlight the aura clueless vanity around the selfie. If 2013 was the Year of the Selfie, 2014 will be the year the world starts asking people to step out of their photo and get a better view of whatever it is they are attempting to photograph.
Facebook Will Never Die
Predicting the death of Facebook has been a tech blogger hobby for years now. 2014 will be yet another year that Facebook defies the haters and continues on strong. No, we aren't happy with Facebook either; no one's ideal social media experience involves Candy Crush invitations and Upworthy videos. But, remember this: your mom is on Facebook. Your mom was never on Myspace, but your mom, who still has an AOL email address and uses a PC from 2002, loves Facebook. You may eventually leave Facebook completely, but it will be a long time before America's favorite source for distant relative news heads to the tech graveyard.
The Privacy Wars Are Just Getting Started
Edward Snowden and Chelsea Manning fired the first major shots in the battle between privacy advocates and government surveillance, but this conflict is far from over. Foreign countries have taken action against NSA spying by forming BRICS, an alliance comprised of Brazil, Russia, India, China, and South Africa, that plans to build telecommunications infrastructure circumventing America. Major tech companies have aligned against the NSA, forming the Reform Government Surveillance Coalition. It will be interesting to see how the U.S. Government responds to the forces aligning against NSA policies. If this leads to a political showdown, it will be the closest watched and most important tech story of 2014.
