In an extensive interview with The Hollywood Reporter, actor and former model Alan Ritchson opened up about attempting suicide during the lengthy post-production on his directorial debut.
Ritchson, who has since found fame thanks to his performance in the leading role in Reacher, said he was trying to focus on the post-production of Dark Web: Cicada 3301, which started production in 2018 and released in 2021, when he suffered an existential crisis while balancing countless other acting jobs. "I was reeling from the fallout and the fatigue, and it got to the point where I was stuck in bed for weeks," shared the 41-year-old actor.
It was thanks to D.J. Viola, who was also a producer on the project, for helping the project come together while he struggled with his mental health. "Sometimes you just need someone to pull the chair up next to your bed," he added. But in 2019, he went into his attic, put a cord over the rafters, and tied it around his neck.
"I hung myself," he said. "It all happened so fast, and I was dangling there." He said his three sons appeared to him in a vision, in their mid-30s. "They calmly asked me not to do it, and told me that they wanted me to be here, alive and part of their lives," he said. Ritchson was able to pull himself up but blacked out. He called a doctor after the experience and was diagnosed as bipolar at age 36.
During his first visit to the doctor, he stormed out upon hearing the diagnosis. But then he turned around. "Deep down, I was comforted to know, ‘OK, there’s a name for this,’" he said. "I walked back in his office and he didn’t miss a beat. I’m sure he’d had like 300 patients over the years do the exact same thing."
He and his wife Catherine Ritchson later reconnected through an experience using MDMA, which he said resulted in the "biggest light bulb" moment for him. "I held her and we talked about suicide, and she’s like, ‘Please don’t do this to us.’ I kept saying, ‘I won’t. I won’t,’" said Ritchson, who noted that MDMA is a proven PTSD treatment for veterans. "But the problem is I loved it and wanted to do it every day. She never did it again. But, for me, for a year or two, it became like therapy. It allowed me to write and be productive. Thankfully, I was able to move past it."
Prior to his acting career, Ritchson worked as a model for brands including Calvin Klein. He described the experience as "like legalized sex trafficking," and suggested the lack of regulation in the industry was to blame. "I was put in horrific environments where sexual abuse was the goal and the paycheck that you were desperate for in order to survive was the carrot, I can’t count on two hands. It was quite often," he said.
One particular experience put him off modeling for good. "I was working a lot at the time, and was one of the highest paid models at the agency. I was booked for a shoot for this very famous photographer," he said. "I was sent into a hotel room to do nudes with the promise that if I did the shoot, he would offer me a very lucrative campaign for a magazine and a clothing line. I was sexually assaulted by this guy."
After the incident, he drove "straight to the agency" he was working for at the time, and told them, "'Fuck you for sending me there. You knew what was going to happen, and you did it anyway.'" The agent responded with what Ritchson described as a "coy smile" and told him it wasn't "a big deal." He told them to never call him again.
"I quit the industry and it was the last photo shoot I’ve ever had," he continued. "Those pictures were never seen or published. That was it. I swore it off and thank God acting found me at the exact same time so I was able to make a switch to a new career, but it left some scars.”
If you or someone you know needs help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
