Image via Complex Original
In Season 7 of 30 Rock, Pizzarina Sbarro explains the concept of Pokemonning, the quest to capture as many archetypes of men (or women, if you're a man) as possible in an effort to satisfy every part of one's being. "You gotta catch 'em all," the heiress to the Sbarro slice and calzone fortune explains.
In 2015, there's a very intense, real-life Pokemon battle going on—one with higher stakes than any battle Ash Ketchum or Brock ever participated in—as Taylor Swift and Cara Delevingne try to scoop up as many celebrity BFFs as possible (Taylor used to do more traditional, romantic Pokemonning, but then she went all "Blank Space" on us). No one hangs out with famous people harder than these two girls, no one Instagrams as many selfies, and no one—by like a million country miles—is photographed with their friends doing "normal New York City things" as Taylor and Cara.
But if the Blue Version of the Pokemon Gameboy game has taught me anything, it's that there are no ties in life. There can only be one true champion, a Pokemon trainer to rule them all while the other blonde scoops up her model and rapper friends and cowers away in ignominy.
It's time to declare a winner in the Race for the Most BFFs Ever. But this isn't a simple counting game—there's a lot more to this. So, I'll examine who has the most best friends, the most loyal best friends, and the best best friends (because, to stick with the Pokemon analogy, a Charizard is better than a Charmander). This could get ugly.
Who has the most BFFs?
Let's start with the basic numbers, since those things never lie. Here's a list of every famous person (I'm taking the word "famous" here to mean "someone you don't need to Google") Taylor and Cara have captured on their Instagrams in the past year:
Taylor Swift
Cara Delevingne (Whoaaaaa)
Cara Delevingne
Taylor Swift (Whoaaaaa, again)
Final Score: Cara Delevingne—43, Taylor Swift—24
To be honest, I really thought Taylor was going to take this portion of the contest, but Cara is downright prolific in her friend-collecting. Now, you could argue that Cara benefits from being a model and actress whereas Taylor is just a musician, to which I'd say, don't hate the player, hate the game. And you might also posit that Taylor has as many BFFs as Cara, she simply just doesn't document them as often. But come on, we're talking about a closet megalomaniac who just copyrighted basic phrases—there's NO WAY Tay Swift withholds fire grams out of some sense of humility. Advantage: Cara.
Whose hoes are loyal?
What's the point of collecting best friends if they won't destroy other human beings for you? Taylor knows loyalty. She devotes a ton of time to specific group of celebs and photographs them often. Then when it's time for them to go to war for Tay Tay, they don't hesitate:
Did you guys know Diplo's dead now?
Cara may embody the ethos "Gotta catch 'em all" better than Taylor does, but if you look at the model's Instagram enough, it starts to resemble the page of one of those psychos who walks around Hollywood all day hoping to snap a selfie with a star. You get the feeling that she always has her iPhone at the ready, especially at celeb-heavy gatherings like fashion shows and award show after-parties. That sort of strategy does numbers, but it doesn't promote BFF retention. Advantage: Taylor.
Who has the coolest BFFs?
As you can see above, Taylor has Jay Z AND Beyoncé AND Justin Timberlake. That's pretty real, almost enough to just call this whole thing off and declare Tay Tay the winner. But hold your horses.
Taylor has captured celebs who probably fit your mother's idea of who's cool. THAT JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE SURE CAN JIVE! The thing about Cara's horde of best friends—Nicki Minaj, Travis Scott, Kate Moss, Kanye, every single one of the Kardashians—is that they're arbiters of cool in a much more tangible, forward-thinking way than Taylor's group ever will be. Lena Dunham isn't setting any trends. In fact, as Girls has proved time and time again, she's just following them. Right, Alison Williams's butt?
Also, Taylor's roster is glaringly WHITE. Advantage: Cara.
The Final Verdict
Cara wins, Taylor loses. Cara is just too focused on collecting friends, and she's just that much cooler than Taylor. Swiftie might have the many faces of White Privilege riding for her, but that's just not quite enough.
God it feels really good to finally settle this. Sorry T-Swift.
