In a video shared by Kutcher to his Instagram, Kunis informed Kutcher that they are uncoupling while looking at the cover of the magazine on her phone.
"It's over between us," she deadpanned.
After Kutcher feigned shock, Kunis quoted from the headline to say that she felt "suffocated." She also said that she's taking their two kids. The In Touch story claimed that she left over a "very dark secret" being exposed, but when Kutcher asked for details, Kunis was stumped.
"I don’t know, I only have this photo," she said.
Kutcher shared the lighthearted video and took an additional shot at the other times tabloids have misreported aspects of their life.
"I guess it’s over," he wrote. [H]ave fun selling magazines this week. Maybe next week my wife will be having twins. For the third time. But who’s counting."
Kutcher has particularly good standing to clown tabloids. He's behind A Plus, a site that attempts to spread only positive journalism a la Upworthy or Good. The majority of the site now belongs to its analog posi vibes predecessor, Chicken Soup for the Soul.