We all have fantasies of coaching our favorite sports teams, but when you're Larry David and you talk about those dreams on the Howard Stern Show, someone might write a TV script about it.
Possibly inspired by the "so terrible it's actually brilliant" Seinfeld spec script titled "The Twin Towers" that went viral last week for imagining an episode set after 9/11, a guy named Steven Matoren has written his own spec script just for fun—and maybe to "get noticed as a capable TV writer," he wrote in a post for BroBible. It's not a Seinfeld script, but it does star Seinfeld co-creator David in an episode of his HBO series Curb Your Enthusiasm, which, thank the lord, is soon returning for another 10-episode season.
It's not unusual. There are plenty of fan-written scripts floating around the internet, but the vast majority of them are terrible. Matoren's, however, is pretty (pretty) good. It's titled "Larry and the Jets" and imagines if David somehow became the coach of the NFL team. He also butts heads with Tim Tebow for some reason. Matoren says he got the idea from that Stern interview where David talked about masturbation, whether or not he'd ever slept with a Palestinian woman, and how he could actually be a good coach.
"I see many things that I know I could fix," David said. "I read this article where it says the odds are in your favor if you don't punt. But teams don't go for it enough, I think on fourth down... I'd be a fantastic coach."
As Matoren notes in his blog post, the actual Curb Your Enthusiasm doesn't use scripts, opting to instead have the actors ad-lib everything while following a loose outline, but that didn't stop him from capturing the show's essence. Here's a taste:
LARRY: What are you doing?
LEON: Putting you out of your f---ing misery. The Jets make you miserable Larry. And If you're miserable, I'm miserable. I can't have that s--t.
LARRY: I enjoy it. Reminds me of my childhood.
LEON: You think I'm going to sit here and let you drag me into your misery?
LARRY: You're free to leave any time Leon.
LEON: That ain't gonna happen.
LARRY: Of course it's not.
LEON: You make a mean f---ing ice tea Larry. I can't give this s--t up. You got me hooked.
You can read the entire script here.