It’s looking like 6 to 10 inches this weekend. Of snow. But also dick. Hey, mom.
I hope I’m not the first person to tell you that we’re supposed to get a buttload of snow in NYC this weekend thanks to a jerk storm named Jonas. Read here if you have any actual concerns for your safety, because I’m no meteorology expert.
But I am an expert in sexual intercourse.
I lied. Couldn’t be farther from that.
As a nerd watching life from its sidelines, let me live my high school cool girl dreams for a couple sentences when I say we’ll all be stuck inside, and we’re all going to want to touch each other. Here’s how you have the best hookup experience of your freaking little lives this weekend [Writer’s note: how much do you want to bet we will get zero snow this weekend? I digress].
First, since the storm is named Jonas, identify which Jonas Brother this weekend is going to be for you. I’m definitely going with Nick Jonas—the sexy, bad boy storm probably definitely making out with Kate Hudson. A storm valued for its acting as well as singing that also has a strong interest in gay rights advocacy. If you’re going with the Kevin Jonas storm, gooooood luck. It’s going to be reaaaal boring, and reaaaal married. If you’re going with the Joe Jonas, I just learned your storm is in a band called DNCE.
There’s a Jonas Brothers song called “Before the Storm” featuring Miley Cyrus. Is this all a super elaborate PR strategy to gear up for a Jonas Brothers reunion tour? If so, it’s working for me.
Now that we know the brother tone of our own personal Jonas storm, let’s deal with the actual sex part. If you’re in a relationship, you’re light years ahead of most people. If you’re single, get to your nearest dating app immediately and swipe right on every single person regardless of their face for like a solid 20 minutes. You’re bound to match with someone you can spend two days with. Or go to Craigslist and connect with these people looking for snowstorm lovers. (Snowstorm Lovers—great band name for the taking if anyone wants it).
While you’re waiting for your lover to come over, which might take years if you’re in Jersey City and they’re coming from Bed-Stuy, take time to get to know that one Craigslist roommate you have that you still need to bond with. Find out where they’re from. Say “Wow, no way” when they say they’re an analyst or consultant.
Now on to the most important supply: Food. (Psh, water!? It’s for quitters.) Seamless deliveries are going to be sketchy, which means you’ll probably have to make your own food. Sprint to your nearest bodega and buy all the Top Ramen you can get your grubby little hands on. If you’re not a ramen person, probably the most important wisdom I can impart to you is this: don’t eat any foods that your stomach will hate you for later. This is my favorite thing on the internet, and it applies to this situation:
This whole weekend is a golden opportunity to get intimate on a whole new level, and to also get weird sexually. Don’t mess this up for me. I mean you. Here’s a list of quick tips:
- Try not to poop the entire weekend. NYC apartments are unforgiving.
- Login to your friend’s mom’s Netflix account and put on the “Fireplace for Your Home: Birchwood Edition.” I don’t know what it is about the “Birchwood Edition” that is visually or audibly any different than the other “Fireplace for your Home” options, but the birchwood definitely will make you appear sexier. Trust me.
- For those heterosexuals out there, make sure you create a stockpile of all the birth control you need before the snow hits. Storms lead to spikes in pregnancy rates. Take note on who has a baby 9 months from this weekend. They better name that baby Nick Jonas!!!
- Gay, straight, whatever, stock. up. on. that. protection. people. Your bodega might be closed, and you don’t want to use your Craigslist roommates condoms. Herpes isn’t worth it!
- If you’re into roleplaying, it might be sexy if you wear all of your coats at once.
- If the power goes out, I hope you all stay safe, and I hope you all make out by candlelight. Don’t pull a Ricky Martin and drip hot wax on each other, because you won’t be able to get to a hospital.
- And to conclude, I made a sexy Spotify playlist for you to use. It’s 2 and a half hours long, and you may notice a theme: