Darren Aronofsky just dropped his highly anticipated trailer for Noah, a film based on this book called the Bible, and it's just as Ridley Scott-esque as cynics expected. Yesterday, the director tweeted an announcement of the trailer premiere and asked viewers to weigh in.
Which is exactly what we did.
Associate Editor Ross Scarano wonders:
"Why isn't Noah saving the velociraptors?"
"Darren, is R-Crowes gonna get those gils like the Costner did in Waterworld, living on the water and all that?"
"How come Eve's hand is glowing like the scary librarian ghost in Ghostbusters when she picks the apple?"
"Which metal bassists inspired Crowe's various hair-dos?"
"Also, where's the drunk nudity?"
"D, I took some serious screengrabs and really sat with them—did you leave out platypuses because they're just too weird? Or did I miss them?"
"I mean, I'm gonna see it."
Deputy Editor Justin Monroe says:
"I love how god makes it so animals that would normally kill each other politely board the arc in orderly fashion, no drama, in not just this but basically every Noah's Ark story."
"D, how does incest/inbreeding among the animal and human populations saved on the ark affect our modern world? Is we stupider more?"
"Did Noah save two vampires and two zombies as well?"
"Over/under 10 deaths by ark animals?"
"That drop of rain shot stirs my heart."
"I would see it, but not with any real excitement. Biblical movies need to be more oblique for me to enjoy them. Though Prince of Egypt is on heavy laserdisc rotation for me."
Staff Writer Tara Aquino says:
"Why do all these characters have exceptionally white teeth? What about the filth? The grime? The lack of plumbing and Colgate?"
"Are you a Game of Thrones fan and was that old white-haired dude a knock-off of Walder Frey?"
"Can we expect a Morgan Freeman cameo?"
"Honestly, was Russell Crowe secretly envious that Hugh Jackman played Jean Valjean and thus opted to copy his Les Mis shaved head look?"
"Emma Watson running through the woods, getting her Katniss Everdeen on? I see you girl."
"Three words: More Logan Lerman."
"Dat music. I feel you, D."
"I'm sold. But this is coming from someone who'll stop channel surfing when I see some Jesus story on The History Channel."
Senior Staff Writer Matt Barone says:
"D, will Russell Crowe drink his own urine in a scene, as a wink-wink to Waterworld?"
"Don't you kind of wish it was Mickey Rourke and not Russell Crowe? I do."
"How many times did you watch Evan Almighty to gain inspiration?"
"Does part of you wish you could've had this say "The Director of The Fountain," since, you know, that's more in line with Noah than Black Swan? Sorry, still too soon?"
"D, does Crowe get an awesome masturbation dream sequence like Natalie Portman did in Black Swan?"
"Do you feel Lifetime breathing down your neck after the network dropped a Flowers in the Attic trailer at the same time you dropped yours?"
"This bores me. It looks like a dozen other movies I've seen before. But it's Aronofsky so I'll be there eager for it."