Yesterday Rob Ford, the crack-smoking mayor of Toronto, continued on his mission to offend the maximum number of humans possible by denying allegations of improper conduct with staffer Olivia Gondek with some colorful descriptors. Let's not mince words: Ford told us: "It says I wanted to eat her pussy, I’ve never said that in my life to her."

And, in case we needed to know why he would deny himself (We didn't! Good lord, we didn't!), he elaborated, saying, "I'm happily married. I've got more than enough to eat at home." 

And with that, Mayor Rob Ford became our hero the most outspoken politician maybe ever, and was uncerimoniously punted from the city council. Now we'll never be able to gaze upon his quivering double chin without thinking about where it's been (and where it hasn't). 

Below, find 10 things we wish Rob Ford would have admitted to eating instead. You know, things we wouldn't have nightmares about. Choosing something different to eat could have saved his job.

1. The worm at the bottom of the mezcal bottle


2. Mushrooms

3. Crayons

4. Sketti (spaghetti with butter and ketchup, as popularized by Honey Boo Boo).

5. Salvia 


6. Horse meat

7. Newly-harvested human intestines

8. Cronuts procured from a man paid to stand on line for him. (Props for supporting small businesses, though.)

9. An entire package of Oreos (even the rats couldn't resist—how can we fault the man?

10. His own foot. Wait—he already did that!