5. Vintage, Not Old

The difference between a hipster bar and a dive bar is the backstory of the old clutter filling the space. The Christmas lights strung year-round in your favorite dive bar came from somebody’s uncle’s attic. The story begins and ends there. The Christmas lights in your favorite hipster bar were harvested from a foreclosed home that housed an outsider artist who you haven’t heard of but recently inspired an upcoming album that will be very well reviewed. The stringed lights were appraised at having significant value by reliable sources, but the mustachioed owners of the bar handcrafted better, greener bulbs to use instead of the originals. This halved the value of the lights, but they now use a quarter less energy. You can read all about it on the cute plaque next to the bathroom door.

The bathroom door is made from wood from a tree felled during a storm in the late 19th century; there’s a plaque detailing this, too. And have you read the plaque for the chair you’re sitting on? You’ll have to stand to read it; it’s underneath your ass.