F.O.H. Fridays: 7 Weekly Rap Series No One Wants To Hear

For the past 12 weeks, Kanye West has been unleashing a song every Friday in a weekly series he’s dubbed G.O.O.D. Fridays. His series made perfect sense to us; we’re happy to hear anything ’Ye puts out and these days he’s got more than enough to spare. But as of late, it seems like everyone is imitating Kanye (who can take credit for popularizing weekly leaks on a mass scale, but not being the originator—which is something Mickey Factz and Crooked I may have a claim on) by doing their own weekly series. Swizz Beatz has Monster Mondays, Timbaland recently announced Timbo Tuesdays, Slim Thug has Thug Thursdays, and the list goes on and on. All of which raises the question: how about Fuck Outta Here Fridays? Seriously, this is fucking ridiculous. As long as everyone and their cousin is jocking the trend, we figured we’d cook up some of our own. Hence, F.O.H. Fridays: 7 Weekly Rap Series No One Wants To Hear. So keep one hand in the air, if you really don’t care.

The Based God will drop songs at 7:30 on the dot every Sunday because that dude is fucking crazy. Besides tweeting about fucking Kanye in the ass, he’ll keep rapping about how he looks like Jesus, Ellen Degeneres, and Paris Hilton.

Now that posse cuts are all the rage again, Wale will get into the mix with Murdered On My Own Shit Mondays. Just like on his mixtape Back To The Feature, Mr. Folarin will drop a posse cut every week...where he may or may not get shown up by guests like J. Cole (who some say killed him on “Beautiful Bliss”), Lil Wayne (on “Nike Boots [Remix]”), and Pusha T (on “Back In The Go-Go”). And possibly the engineer.

Every week, Yung Berg will drop a different song about a chain he lost, from the Batman Chain to the infamous Transformers Chain to the still-on-layaway Sweet Tarts Chain. On every song he’ll say he doesn’t care about how he lost the chain because he just bought a brand new one and that’s he’s got plenty of money. Although no one will give a shit about any of the tracks he drops (after all, it’s Yung Berg), the series will come to an abrupt end when Maino, Freddie Foxx, and Trick Trick all get fed up and give Berg the beatdown of his life and leave him barefoot and shivering.

Get ready for bangers like “I’ll Take That Charge,” “Sloppy Seconds,” and “I’m One Hit Away,” because Memphis Bleek, Consequence, Tony Yayo, Slick Pulla, Trife Diesel (aka Trife Da God), Gunplay, and Spliff Star have all joined forces to create the ultimate weed carrying super-group, The Here’s-Your-Backup-Phone Conglomerate.

Trying to shed his image as an ignorant rapper, Waka will start releasing “smart” songs where he tackles complex issues like financial regulation, chemical compounds, and astrophysics. THINK SQUAD!!!!!!

Hip-hop’s most confused rapper ever is back with False Prophet Fridays. He’ll start the series off making songs about how God is great, how Jesus is the only way to salvation, and how we should do unto others as we would want done to ourselves. But the very next week he’ll rap about how weed is great, selling crack is the only way out to get rich, and how he’ll shoot you in the face or stab you if you dare bite his style. But then he’ll find God again and go back to rapping about being good...and then he’ll forget about God and rap about picking up prostitutes in his Range...

Gone is the glamor and glitz of La Flare’s usual self. Recorded exclusively via a prison phone, Solitary Confinement Saturdays will find a morose Gucci rapping from a jail cell about how lonely he is and how bad prison food tastes. And yes, we’re aware that Gucci is out of jail for now. But we’re not worried—he’ll get locked up again for something soon enough.